My Neighbor's Husband

Needless to say, my real dating life is non-existent. I work six days at the salon, and the seventh, I’m home binge-watching TV and subsisting on frozen bean and cheese burritos. Plus, my seventh day at home usually isn’t a Saturday or a Sunday. Usually, it’s Tuesdays because weekends at Pretty Pink are busy times, and I get some of my best tips then. Who’s home on a Tuesday to hang out? No one, and as a result, I haven’t been out on a date in months.

So here I am on a Tuesday, taking my dog for a walk. It’s a gorgeous, sunny day and the warm breeze wafts on my bare shoulders. I’m wearing a tank top but then curse myself. I forgot to apply sunscreen before coming out, and by the time I get back, I’ll probably be as pink as a baby’s butt with the beginnings of a burn. Oh well. At least I’ll have gotten some exercise, which I don’t do enough of as is.

We’re ambling along the concrete sidewalk past manicured lawns and the neat, square houses that populate my neighborhood when suddenly, a noise startles me. I look around. Where did it come from? The source isn’t obvious and everything looks the same as usual. I don’t live in a rich area, so the homes are modest. They’re mostly one-story affairs, with bright white shutters, box hedges, and a front porch decorated with potted plants. I don’t know my neighbors well, but we do our best to make the neighborhood presentable.

But then there’s that sound again. I stop to listen and realize that we’re coming upon a cheery yellow house with begonias out front and a smart silver BMW parked in the driveway. Ah, it’s the Joneses. Mr. and Mrs. Jones are a childless couple in their thirties who just moved in last month. I haven’t gotten a chance to talk with them yet, but they seem pretty normal. Amelia Jones is a slim blonde who’s a professor at a nearby community college, and Dane Jones works in real estate. I don’t know what he does exactly, but I heard he’s in business for himself.

Even more, Dane Jones is hot. I’ve seen him from afar while watering my lawn, and he’s absolutely gorgeous. That one time I saw him, he was out doing some yardwork with his shirt off, and I couldn’t help but stare at those huge, rippling bronzed muscles, as well as his six pack abs and wide shoulders. He has thick black hair that was soaked with sweat on the day that I saw him, and his jeans fit him snugly, emphasizing that huge package beneath.

Oh my god, I shouldn’t be thinking like this. He’s a married man, for crying out loud! How can I be envisioning his package when his wife is the only one with dibs on that? Yet, it must have been the fact that I haven’t been out on a real date in a long time because I couldn’t help but stare at Dane Jones’s jeans. His rod was so long and huge that it literally reached down his pant leg and almost touched his knee. I gasped, squinting in the bright sunlight. Was this guy for real? Was it even physically possible?

Good thing he didn’t notice me because the handsome man kept mowing his lawn, raising a ruckus with that giant mower. Grass clippings flew everywhere, and that bronzed body continued to pour sweat. God, I’d love to lick him all over, before unbuttoning his jeans and revealing his huge monster. Then I’d like to lick that as well, even if he’s definitely off-limits.

But ever since seeing him mow the lawn that day, I haven’t seen much of the Joneses since. I’ll see Mrs. Jones pull up in her silver BMW and then get out to go into the house, or I’ll see Mr. Jones’s big truck parked out front. Sometimes I’ll observe both husband and wife come out of the house to go grocery shopping, or occasionally they’ll have evening cocktails on their porch. But otherwise, I have no idea what they’re up to. Maybe I’ll talk to them at our upcoming neighborhood block party and learn more. I hope I don’t come off as too interested when I do because that would be embarrassing.

As I walk past the yellow house, I see that the silver BMW is in the driveway. Interesting. So Mrs. Jones isn’t at the university today, although I suppose that’s completely possible. Professors don’t teach every day, so she probably doesn’t have to be on campus unless she has a class to teach or a meeting of some sort.

But then, the noise comes again and this time it’s more clear. It’s more of an unnnnh, followed by some swift pants and then a slapping sound. What the hell? What’s going on?