My Neighbor's Husband

I seize her lips with my own, devouring that soft plushness. How in the world did this just happen? I’ve just agreed to go on these so-called “doggie dates” with my girlfriend, her crazy golden retriever, and a strange mutt who could be infected with rabies. But because it’s with Margot, I’m looking forward to it. It makes me happy to see her happy, and I growl against her lips.

How did this become my life? Previously, I was a man in an unhappy marriage, living like roommates with my ice queen wife. Now, I’m happily settled in with a curvy girl, and couldn’t be more happy. Margot has helped me remember what it feels like to be alive, and I’m grateful to her for it.

But now our kiss is becoming heated. I slide my hand around her waist, pulling that curvy form tight to me when suddenly, there’s a harsh rap on the front door.

“Ignore it,” I breathe against her lips. “Whoever it is will go away.”

Margot sighs a bit and kisses me more. But then the harsh raps start again, accompanied by the insistent ding of the bell. Fuck! Who the hell would be so immature? I bet it’s some twelve-year-old ne’er-do-well who’s going to run off my porch laughing when I finally open the door. Well, he’s got a second think coming.

Breaking away from my girl, I rise to my full height with a murderous expression before stalking to the hall closet and yanking out an aluminum baseball bat.

“Fuck ‘em,” I grunt, stalking over to the door. “I’m going to beat the shit out of whoever this is.”

“Dane, it’s not so bad,” begins Margot from the couch, her face still flushed from our kisses. But when I open the door, both my girlfriend and I stop to stare, our mouths falling open. Because it’s my ex-wife, Amelia on the doorstep, with her blonde hair in waves about her shoulders and a panicked look on her face.

“Dane,” she says without any greeting. “Good thing I found you because I’m pregnant. You’re going to be a father.”

10

Margot

The blood rushes out of my face when I see the woman at the door. Of course I know who this is. This is Dane’s ex-wife, the one I caught him having sex with when I took that fateful walk a few months back. She looks even more beautiful than before, if that’s possible. Her blonde hair waves about her face like Aphrodite, and her skin glows a peachy pink. Oh my gosh, is it the pregnancy hormones? Of course, even though she’s the one who’s with child, I’m the one who’s about thirty pounds heavier than her. Amelia still appears svelte and slim, despite the slightly baggy clothes she’s wearing.

“I’m pregnant,” she tells Dane. “It’s your baby.”

Dane glances over his shoulder at me.

“Amelia, now is not a good time,” he growls.

But I jump up, and Amelia looks startled when she sees me standing behind her ex.

“Oh um, I didn’t realize you had guests,” she says shame-facedly. “I can come back.”

This is where I summon my most mature self. I have to be an adult about this. I can’t be some schmuck who lets her own self-interest get in the way of what needs to be done. With a gracious smile, I shake my head.

“No it’s okay. I can tell that this is an important conversation, so I’ll just make myself scarce,” I say. “I’ll step into the bedroom and you guys go ahead and talk in the living room. You’ll have plenty of privacy.”

Dane looks agonized.

“No, Margot, it’s fine,” he begins. “My ex, Amelia, and I can talk later. Tonight was supposed to be our date night.”

I wave my hands in front of my face merrily.

“Oh no, it’s okay. Every night is date night for us because we live so close,” I trill with a false smile. “You guys go ahead and talk. I’ll just make myself scarce.”

With that, I scamper into the bedroom just down the hallway and move to shut the door. But I don’t shut it. I close it almost all the way so that there’s still a sliver open, and then crouch forwards, trying to listen.

This is pathetic. I easily could have gone home because like I mentioned, I only live down the street. In fact, Buster would welcome my presence at home. Yet instead, I’m purposefully trying to eavesdrop because Dane means so much to me, and I can’t believe this is happening. Is Amelia telling the truth? Is my boyfriend going to be a father? Holy cow.

As I stay perfectly motionless behind the door, I hear Amelia step into the living room and Dane shut the door behind her.

“Have a seat,” he says in a surly tone.

She falls to the comfortable brown sofa with a graceful sigh.

“Thanks. Being pregnant is tiring. Not only am I eating for two, but I also sleep ten hours a night now. I guess making a baby takes a lot of energy.”