“I’m good,” I said quietly, shuffling some papers around before picking up my book bag. “How about you?”
And Jock smiled that dead smile then.
“Good, good. Listen, you wanna study together sometimes? I hear you’re a smart girl and I need help with this stuff.”
I balked. I really didn’t want to, I didn’t want to go to the library with this guy, spend one minute with him when I could be with Jason or Brent. But there were so many pairs of eyes on me, that I had to do what everyone expected, conform to everyone’s expectations.
“Sure,” I managed in a quietly strangled voice, every fiber in my being rebelling. “Sure Jock, that sounds good,” I tried again with a small smile.
And the big man puffed up with pride, looking like a rooster that had just cornered a pea hen, ready to do the dirty.
“Great,” he cawed. “I’ll see you later then,” he said before striding outside, joining a couple of his football buddies, their heads a foot above the crowd, proud, like a bunch of towering nutcrackers.
I turned to gather my books but not before June came racing up to me.
“Oh my god, Katy, you just got asked out by Jock McMahon!” she squealed.
My heart dropped.
“No that’s not true,” I muttered, head down, hoping no one could hear. “It’s just a study session, not a date.”
But June scoffed at that one.
“I don’t think so,” she singsonged. “I think someone just got asked out and girl, you are going to rock it!” she squealed, not caring who heard.
My heart dropped again. I didn’t want to be in this position, I didn’t want to be seen with Jock, didn’t want to date him, didn’t even want to be within five feet of him. So why didn’t you say no? a voice inside screamed. Because, I shook my head miserably, girls like me don’t get to choose when an acknowledged “hottie” like Jock comes calling. You have to do what people expect.
And it made me so angry, this feeling that I had to live up to people’s expectations, bow to their whims. But what could I do? I was literally the trashy girl from the trailer park, lucky to get any scraps much less a hunk of goodness like Jock McMahon. And if they knew about what was happening between me, Jason and Brent? Holy shit, every bad thing they already thought about me would be confirmed, I was only living up to their prejudices. So I walked slowly into the hallway, defeated, cheeks burning, heart heavy, with June chattering non-stop beside me, tossing all sorts of nonsense into the air.
“Oh my god, you have to look pretty,” she breathed. “You’re gonna get your hair and nails done, right? Luscious Spa over at the corner of Main and Second?”
“Oh my god, where do you think you’re going to study? The Corner Café? The Coffee Source? Or maybe that new place near school with the free wifi and fancy pastries? Oh my god!” she babbled, her words like a bee in my ear.
And finally I couldn’t take it anymore and whirled on her, voice firm.
“June-bug, I appreciate your support but none of that is going to happen,” I said determinedly. “First, Jock doesn’t study much, he’s too busy with practice and friends, so it was probably nothing. Second, you know I don’t have money to get my nails done, a manicure is thirty bucks. And last, if it does happen and that’s a big if, we’ll be studying in the library. It’s the only place that makes sense,” I said firmly.
But June wasn’t put off at all.
“Whatever Katy, he’ll come calling, I’m sure,” she singsonged as she danced off to her next class. “Look pretty Katy, this is your big chance!”
And my cheeks colored once again, but this time it was because I was kinda mad. Why did I have to like Jock? Why did I have to conform to expectations, swoon when everyone expected me to? Why was there this godawful feeling that I had to belong? But I knew where it came from. It’s because I’m poor, I’m the poor girl at a rich school, and they reminded me day in and day out of how lucky I was to be here. Not overtly saying anything, god no, but rather small things, like June had just done with the comment about the manicure. And so I tried to fit in, tried to be the good girl and do what people expected but those expectations were starting to crush me. I needed to get free, fast, to break out of this trance. And Jason and Brent … they were my answers.
CHAPTER FIVE
Jason
I went through the motions of the day like a zombie. I don’t see Katy at school much because we’re on completely different tracks. The brunette’s with the normal kids, kids who have a shot at going to college, kids who are smart and have after-school tutors to help them puzzle through their classes, do their homework for them if need be. By contrast, I’m on the “vocational” track, or the path for those kids who aren’t headed to college, no way, we’re gonna be mechanics, steelworkers, A/C repairmen, plumbers, all the good shit.