Breathe (Sea Breeze 1)

I laughed at his eagerness. “These ear buds are fine.”

He shook his head. “You say that now, but if you ever use wireless ear buds you would know it’s not true.”

I sighed and agreed, “Okay.”

He seemed so excited about being able to give me something I didn’t want to spoil it. I liked seeing him act like a little boy. My insides turned to mush during the times he opened up enough to show his vulnerable side.

“I’ll listen to you as I go to sleep at night,” I assured the little boy who seemed anxious about his gift.

He closed his eyes tightly. “You don’t know how good thinking about it makes me feel, but now I am going to have a harder time going to sleep at night knowing I’m singing in your ears.”

He opened his eyes to look at me, I saw something there I’d only wished for, or my heart was lying to me.

* * *

Chapter Eight

A note greeted me when I arrived at work the next day. Ms. Mary sighed heavily and handed it to me as soon as I walked in. I glanced over at the table, and a wave of disappointment hit me at the sight of the empty seat where I had hoped Jax would be sitting.

“No need to be so upset. Read the note, and then hurry along and get ready.”

I walked back to the laundry room before opening the letter. I didn’t want to read anything in front of Ms. Mary’s prying eyes.

Sadie,

I am sorry I won’t be at breakfast this morning. I have been so busy wallowing in my not being able to have you, and then being given the gift of...my air...that I forgot about a movie premier I am expected at tonight. I am flying out to Hollywood this morning early and I will be back as soon as this is over. I intend to get on a plane and head right back to you as soon as possible. Please forgive me. I will see you soon. Miss me.

Jax

I swallowed the lump in my throat, aggravated with myself more than anything. Jax was a famous rock star. He had a band and people who depended upon him. He had to go to things such as movie premiers. I knew the more time I spent with him would make things like this hard on me, but I also needed to decide whether or not I wanted to be with him enough to get over this. I changed quickly and splashed my face with cold water. I needed to focus, not think about Jax and his real life. It was something I would never know or understand. I needed to get a grip. I dried my face on a towel and walked back into the kitchen.

“Where do I start?”

Ms. Mary turned to me. I gave her a smile, and she frowned, and then reluctantly smiled back. “I got ten pounds of potatoes over there fresh out of my garden. Start scrubbing 'em, then get them all peeled for me.”

I nodded and went right to work. Cleaning potatoes proved to be a great way to get my mind off other things. I wished I didn’t miss him so much. Two days and I was so addicted to his presence I was lost without him. But then I remembered my iPod, and I jumped up and went to my bag and pulled it out. I’d sat in my room the previous night figuring it out. I found Jax’s latest album and put the ear buds in my ears. Listening to him helped. I didn’t see a star on the stage when I heard him sing. I saw the guy sitting on his bed with his old guitar, grinning at me. His voice helped the potatoes, and the morning, go faster. I got so lost in my thoughts and the music I jumped when someone tapped my shoulder. Marcus gazed down at me.

“Lost in the music, I see,” he said smiling.

I nodded and slipped the ear buds out of my ears. “Yes, I guess I was.”

Marcus pulled up a stool and sat down beside me. “Let me guess who you’re listening too. Could it be the number one chart topper for the past three weeks, Jax Stone?”

I was glad Marcus seemed to be in a teasing mood. I nodded and grinned up at him. “I guess I’m pretty obvious.”

Marcus sighed. “Unfortunately, yes, you are.”

“I know I spend all my time with Jax. I only have this summer with him, then he will walk out of my life, and I will have to learn to keep living.”

Marcus leaned back against the wall and frowned. “You know when he leaves this summer, it’s over. I mean, he has told you this, surely.”

I thought about how to answer. It was between Jax and me, but Marcus was my friend and he needed some answers. He deserved some answers. “We both know trying to have a relationship, while he rocks the world and I finish high school, is impossible. We knew this going into the relationship, and we both agreed being together now was what we wanted.”

Marcus stared at the large bucket of potatoes. “And you are okay with this? I mean, you’re fine with dating him now? Then he just walks away when the summer ends and you won’t be heartbroken?”

I let out a short laugh. “I didn’t say my heart wouldn’t be broken. I’m afraid it is inevitable.”

Marcus leaned forward on his knees and studied me. “Then why are you doing this to yourself?” he asked low enough so no one nearby could hear him.

I put the last potato back in the bucket. “It’s too late now, Marcus. I love him. I no longer have a choice.”

He reacted like I slapped him, and I hated hurting him, but I knew he needed to know.

“He doesn’t deserve it. He can have any girl in the world’s love, and he took yours. Someone who deserves so much more than a summer fling.”

He stood and started to walk away, but stopped and glanced back at me. “If you were mine, I would never let you go.” He left the kitchen.

The rest of the day went slow, and I was glad when it was over. I went to change clothes and started out the door when Ms. Mary called my name.

“I forgot to tell you, there will be a car waiting to take you home out front when you’re ready.”

I sighed and thought about riding home alone in one of his cars and shook my head. “It’s okay, I want to ride my bike home tonight. It’s still early, and I want some fresh air.”

Ms. Mary shook her head. “He ain’t gonna like hearing that. You rest assured Kane will tell him you rode your bike home.”

I smiled and opened the door. “He is my...friend, Ms. Mary, not my keeper,” I replied.

Riding home on my bike while the sun set was really pleasant. I stopped at the public beach and sat for a few minutes while I watched families enjoying the last bit of daylight. Red-skinned tourists covered the beach, and I recognized several kids from school working at the chair, umbrella, and wave runner rentals. Everyone seemed to be closing down for the day. I took in a deep breath and let the wet ocean air fill my lungs. Something about the air here seemed healing to me. As if it made everything okay just by being clean and pure and full of something beautiful.

“Sadie White?”

I heard my name and turned to see a girl I recognized from biology class standing beside me in a red one-piece bathing suit. I couldn't remember her last name, but I remembered her first. “Yes, Amanda, right?”

She smiled a friendly smile and nodded. “Yep, I haven’t seen you since school let out.”

I nodded. “I've been working.”

She grinned. “Don’t you know the great thing about being a local is you can work at the beach?”

I thought the exact same thing at the beginning of summer. I’d wanted to have a job on the beach back then, but now things were much different. “I’m sure it is, but I make good money doing domestic work.”

She frowned. “But where is the fun in that...unless there are cute boys around? You should come take the lifeguard test. Lifeguarding is so much fun. Hot guys are everywhere...a lot of times you get to work with one!”

She nodded her head toward a tall, blond, tanned guy coming down the lifeguard ladder in a pair of red swim trunks. “Like Todd Mitchell! He will be a senior this year and is going to Tuscaloosa next fall to the university! He is soooo cute! Can you swim?”

I nodded, trying to keep up with her quick paced conversation. “Yes, but I am happy with where I am right now. However, if I get too bored, I will remember the lifeguard job.”

She frowned prettily, and in a way that reminded me of Barbie’s little sister.

“Okay, I guess. Hey, you should come to the July 4th party at Dylan McCovey’s. He has a house on the beach, and he throws a party every July 4th. It is sooo awesome! You should come!”

For some reason, this bubbly girl liked me. Me, with no personality. And I didn’t want to let her down again. “Okay, well, sure. Um, I’ll let you know. I have to check on my work schedule and everything.” I thought about Jax and wondered if he would want to spend July 4th with me.

Amanda nodded and reached into her bright-pink, polka-dotted bag and pulled out a cell phone. “What’s your number?”

I thought about it a minute. I wasn’t sure what to tell her. Jessica owned a cell phone, but the bill wasn’t always paid on it. I figured I could give her the cell number and hope Jessica would tell me when she called, if it worked this week.

“555-9987.”

She punched it into her slim, pink cell phone and slipped it back into her bag.

“Cool, I’ll call you later this week and see if you can make it.”

I nodded, and we said our goodbyes. She turned and bounced away. She seemed so happy and friendly. Everything I wished I could be. However, I didn’t necessarily want to bounce when I walked. I went back to my bike and headed home. I would be home in time to make dinner for Jessica.

The moment I walked in the door Mom called from her room, “Sadie? Is that you?”

“Yes,” I replied, as I walked back to see her so we wouldn’t have to yell at each other. I stopped when I got to her bedroom door and found her standing in her panties and bra in front of the window unit with a large cup of ice in her hand.

“The heat is killing me, Sadie! I swear, I can’t wait until I have my body back.”

I sighed and bit my tongue from reminding her this was her fault. “I bet,” was all I allowed myself to say.

“So, you’re home early today. You didn’t get fired, did you?” she asked all serious, as the idea of me without a job began to take root in her thoughts.

I shook my head and leaned against the doorframe. “No, the family is out tonight, so I got to come home early.”

She still didn’t know about Jax. I didn’t want her to find out and get it in her head I could somehow get money out of Jax. Mooching off men was her gig, not mine. I didn’t want any man to take care of me. I wanted to be self-sufficient. I never wanted my teenage daughter to have to pay the bills and cook the meals.

“Hmmm, well that works out good for me and the baby. We are starving, and the thought of working in a hot kitchen is just too much.”

I nodded and turned. The kitchen contained all I needed to make tacos, and Jessica loved tacos. I got the meat out of the freezer and put it in some warm water to thaw.

“I’ve got to go to the clinic tomorrow to have a check up. Are you working?”

I wanted to laugh at her question. I’d worked every day since school had been out, except of course for Sundays. Not that I was complaining, because if I didn’t work, I didn’t make money...and I didn’t see Jax.

“Yes,” I called back.

“Oh poo! I hate driving.”

I didn’t respond. Instead, I searched through the cabinet for the taco seasoning.

“You know, I’ll be thirty-one weeks this Monday, and, in two months time, I’ll have this baby. I haven’t even picked out a name yet.”

A nervous knot grew in my stomach at the thought of a real baby being brought home. The baby hadn’t seemed real as long as it remained unnamed, but naming it somehow made it real, and made me very nervous.

“I was thinking I liked the name Sasha if it is a girl. You know stick with the S names. Sadie, Sasha.”

I said nothing.

“Or if it is a boy, how about Sam?”

I tried to ignore her. I really did not want to give this baby a name. It made my insides do funny things. The thought of baby food, formula, diapers, and, well, a baby, scared me. I could see Jessica coming home and saying she couldn’t take it and handing the baby to me. I had no idea what to do with a baby. I really needed her to be the mom. I needed her to be a grown up with this baby. Because I wasn’t ready.

“Okay...so, you don’t like that name?” she called out again.

“No, I like it. I just don’t really have a preference.”

She remained quiet for a moment, and I wondered if she picked up on my fear. And then she said, “Well, I think it is going to be a girl, so I am going to name her Sasha Jewel White.”

I swallowed the lump that appeared in my throat and forced out a reply. “Sure, Mom. Sounds good.”

Jessica ate in front of the window unit in her underwear, and I ate alone at the table. After we finished, I washed up the dishes and went to get a shower. I would be getting in bed earlier than usual, and sleep suddenly seemed very appealing.