Marcus’s words surprised me. I didn’t realize he was leaving so soon.
“Really?” I asked, hearing the sadness in my voice.
He nodded and looked away from me.
“Well, make sure to come tell me ‘bye,’” I reminded him, thinking that at least this goodbye wasn’t going to zap me of life.
He gazed at me with a strange expression on his face as if he wanted to say something but was fighting himself about it. “Yeah. I will,” he finally said half-heartedly.
“Well, the good news is I will not be going anywhere, and you can call me anytime and I will be more than willing to, uh, I don’t know, take you to dinner, a movie, or a--ouch!”
I jumped, and Preston shot daggers at Marcus.
“What did you do that for?” he challenged.
Marcus rolled his eyes. “I stopped you before you made an even bigger idiot of yourself.”
Preston snorted. “Is he always this moody around you?”
I grinned and shook my head. “Nope.”
Preston broke out into a grin. “So, you don’t like the competition, do you, big boy?” he teased, and Marcus glared at his friend and sighed before he turned to me.
“What he doesn’t realize is that the competition isn’t even at this table.”
Preston frowned, and then like a light went on he sat back, and he grew serious, which was a first.
“Can I get you something to drink...wait, OMG it is you! Ah, I can’t believe it! Jax Stone’s girlfriend.”
The girl rummaged through her apron and pulled out a piece of paper and handed me a pen. “Can I have your autograph, please?”
I was too shocked to respond, or move for that matter. I looked at Marcus, and I guess he noticed the panic in my eyes, because he took the paper and pen and handed it back to the girl.
“Uh, why don’t you take our drink order instead?”
The girl’s grin fell, and I dropped my eyes to my hands. I wasn’t sure what to say or how to respond. This was not something I had seen coming.
Marcus ordered me a Coke, and then took my hand. “I guess you haven’t been around town lately?” he asked cautiously.
I shook my head, but didn’t meet his gaze.
He sighed deeply and leaned down toward me. “Things are going to be a little different for you, for a while at least. You’re still on the news some, and, well, around this small town, you’re a star. No one has ever gotten as close to fame as you have.”
I closed my eyes. This wasn’t supposed to be happening. Jax had left me to keep this from happening. Was my life going to always be this way? When would everyone realize the rock star had left me? I was no longer his, and I was no longer interesting. I was just Sadie White.
“Sadie, look at me, please,” Marcus whispered.
I met his eyes slowly and noticed the waitress pointing our way.
“Great, she is announcing my presence,” I muttered.
Marcus turned around to see the girls looking our way. He turned to Preston. “Could you go put those pretty boy looks to good use and distract the ‘OMG’ squad over there.”
Preston nodded. “Sure.” He went over to the girls, and, almost immediately, he had them giggling and smiling at him.
Relief washed over me. “Do you think he will go to school with me and do that?” I asked quietly.
Marcus chuckled. “No, you’ll be on your own there. But, remember, they will get over it. It’s just Jax recorded a new song, and it’s rumored all over the news that it is about you. It hit number one its first week on the radio. The buzz is being fed a little more.”
I swallowed the lump in my throat. “What does the song say?” I heard myself asking. Why I wanted to know was beyond me. This was going to be painful but I still wanted to know.
Marcus dropped his hands from mine and shifted in his seat. “Enough for me to know it is about you,” he said with no emotion to his voice.
I nodded and turned my attention to watching the world outside the window. Preston returned with our Cokes and sat them at the table.
“Thanks for that,” I said, nodding toward the giggling girls who now only had eyes for Preston.
He shrugged and grinned. “Not a problem. I’m glad these good looks are good for something.” He winked and took a sip of his Coke.
I relaxed and took a drink too. I had so much to take in today. Our two had become three, and I needed to get ready for a baby in the house. And then there was the fact I was apparently well known by complete strangers. I let my mind go to Jax’s new song, and my heart raced when I thought about it. I had watched him writing out at the gazebo as I worked in the gardens the last few weeks we were together. Back then, I had never dreamed what he was working on was about me. If it was about me, what did it say? Were the words going to rip into me and bring the dark blanket back? Would Marcus have to come back into my room and force me out of my pain? I needed to know what the words said. I needed to know if he spoke of what we had, with joy or sorrow. Did he find light in our memories, or were they fading for him?
I ordered my burger, and we ate with only simple small talk. Marcus and Preston talked about Rock’s upcoming wedding, and then football. Finally, once I knew I was strong enough to hear the answer, I asked Marcus, “Will the words hurt me?” I knew he was going to know what I was talking about.
Marcus smiled sadly and shook his head. “I don’t think so, Sadie, but that depends on what hurts you. He describes you and how he feels about you. If that is going to be painful, then yes.”
I swallowed to keep my throat from closing up.
Preston cleared his throat, “What are you talking about?”
Marcus squeezed my hand. “Jax’s new number one.”
Preston’s eyes widened, and he gawked at me, and then back at Marcus, “That’s about Sadie?”
Marcus raised his eyebrows as if to dare him to say more. “Yes, it is.” He threw his words out like a challenge.
“Hell, no wonder people want her autograph,” he mumbled and took a bite of his sandwich.
I had to hear that song. “Preston, I want to go out to your Jeep and listen to the radio. Do you mind?”
He shook his head. “Nah, the keys are in it.”
Marcus stood and let me out. I started to walk toward the door, and he grabbed my hand. I turned back to him.
“Are you going to be okay by yourself?” he asked in a hushed tone.
“I need to do this alone,” I assured him, and he let me go.
I sat and flipped through a few channels until I found one that I knew would most likely play it often, and I waited. I didn’t have to wait long. The moment the guitar began, I knew whose song it was. I had heard those exact chords being played outside while I worked in the garden. Even if this song wasn’t for me, he had written it when he had been with me. When he was mine. Because of that, it was special to me. And then his voice joined the music, and I got lost.
“Your eyes hold the key to my soul. Your hands heal all my pain, and you’re everything that makes this boy whole. When you breathe, it sends warmth through my veins. When you laugh, my body goes insane. You’re all I need to survive. Your body is what makes me feel alive.
“Don’t cry. I’m not that strong. I can’t stand here when your heart is broken. How I long to be all you need. But instead, I’m everything that’s wrong. No, no, don’t cry. I’m not that strong. I can’t stand here when your heart is broken. How I long to be all you need. But instead I’m everything that’s wrong.
“The day you walked into my life. I knew it was no sacrifice to let you in. I wanted nothing more than to win your heart. And once I had it, my poison ruined everything. So now all I can do is stand here alone with my guitar and sing.
“Don’t cry. I’m not that strong. I can’t stand here when your heat is broken. How I long to be all you need. But instead I’m everything that’s wrong. No, no, don’t cry. I’m not that strong. I can’t stand here, when your heart is broken How I long to be all you need. But instead, I’m everything that’s wrong.”
“And that, my friends, is Jax Stone’s new chart-topping ‘Don’t Cry.’” The D.J.’s voice droned on, and I reached and turned off the radio.
It did hurt. The pain was there. But his voice had been like a balm to my wounds. I had something now that would help ease the hurt. It wouldn’t make it go away, of course, but hearing his voice was enough to ease the pain if only for a short time. I could make it from day to day if I could just hear his voice. If I could just hear my song.
* * *
Chapter Eighteen
Sam didn’t sleep at night. He slept wonderfully during the day while I worked, but in the evenings he stayed awake. Jessica seemed to be in some sort of depression, and when I came in the door, she handed me Sam and went in her room and cried. Ms. Mary said this was normal. Jessica suffered from the “Baby Blues,” so I didn’t worry about it, too much, except I wasn’t getting any sleep. Jessica slept all night, and if I tried to wake her, she burst into tears. When she cried, Sam cried, so I just left her alone. He and I bonded during this time. I talked to him about everything I couldn’t say to anyone else. I told him about life with Jessica and how he would love her, but not to ever expect a normal mom. I assured him that he’d be fine, because I would always be there if he needed me. I told him about Jax. I emptied my soul to a newborn baby, but it made it easier to breathe freely again when I talked about him. Sam cooed and smiled and kicked. He liked for me to talk, so I did. I made him happy, and it helped me cope.
No matter how special these times in the wee hours of the morning were, it still wore on me. I fought the urge to crawl up in a corner at work and sleep. Some nights Sam slept two hours at a time, if I would put him beside my bed. Those nights I always functioned better having had at least five hours sleep. Jessica and I didn’t talk much. When I came home, she went in her room to cry and listen to 80s music. I always took Sam to her before I left each morning, fed with a clean diaper and clothes on for the day. I called her from work and reminded her about feeding time because she just didn’t seem to have it together. I was starting to get nervous about leaving him at home with her, but I reminded myself she was the mom, not me.
School started back. Marcus had left two weeks before, and I stood in the yard and waved as he drove away. At first, I panicked because I worried about what would happen if I found myself back in the dark blanket. But then I remembered Sam, and Jessica’s unstable behavior, and I knew that scenario could not happen. I had someone to take care of now. I couldn’t lose it again. My life no longer belonged to me. Sometimes, it seemed like my time with Jax happened in another lifetime. But then the memories of his smile and his laugh reminded me of how close we had been to happiness. I sighed and grabbed my book bag and gazed down at Sam, sound asleep. I left my door open and left him in the bassinet by my bed. I opened Jessica’s door, and she turned and stared at me with red swollen eyes.
“I’m going to be late if I don’t go. I fed him an hour ago, and he has on a clean diaper. He is asleep in my room.” I stopped there and forced myself not to give her any directions on taking care of her child.
She yawned and stretched. “All right, thanks, Sadie. I know I have needed you a lot lately. I just can’t seem to get it together.” She sounded almost wounded.
I nodded and left her there. I didn’t know what to say to her, because what I wanted to say was “Grow up! You have a baby!” and I knew I couldn’t, so I just left.
My bike ride to school was short, and I was there and in the building in plenty of time to find my new locker and my first period class. People watched me, and a few whispered, but I ignored them and focused on my task at hand. I received a top locker this year in the middle of the hall. Apparently, the seniors were given the better locker location.
“Hey stranger,” a familiar voice said behind me, and I turned to see Amanda.
I hadn’t spent much time with her because she didn’t hang out with her brother and his friends. “Hey Amanda, how are you?”
She smiled and shrugged. “Great! Finally a senior!”
I smiled and wished I cared. “Yep, finally seniors,” I said, feigning excitement.
Her eyes seemed sympathetic. “I’m sorry about everything that happened and all. Marcus told me some of it before he left because he wants me to watch out for you and call him if you need him.”
I couldn’t help but smile at her words. “Your brother is a very good friend whom I do not deserve,” I admitted and turned to put the rest of my books in my locker before I ran late for class.
She chuckled. “Yeah, well, that would be because he wishes you cared about him like you do Jax Stone.” She froze and bit her lip when she saw me wince. “I’m so sorry, I... Marcus told me not to talk about Jax….”