But even as his good intentions seemed pure and grounded in sound logic his heart was in agony, calling him an idiot for letting her go. He and Josie had had a good marriage but in the end they’d been way too different to be truly compatible. He’d known that for a long time but he’d been committed to making it work because of Tyler. What he felt with Miranda was unlike anything he’d ever experienced. It was as if he’d suddenly taken a deep cleansing breath for the first time in the purest of mountain air. When he was with her he felt alive. So, if he felt that way, shouldn’t he at least meet her son and test the waters?
The stakes were too high for maybe, he reminded himself. It was either yes or no. Either he had the balls to face his grief head-on and work to healing the hole inside of him or he’d accept that it was simply too hard and say goodbye to Miranda forever. Basically, it was a cut-and-dried situation. He could pretty it up all he wanted with reasons and excuses and justifications but it really boiled down to those basic issues. Either he was in, or he was out.
He already knew how it felt to say no. The minute the words had left his mouth he wished he could reel them back in. On the surface it seemed the right thing to do. He was being the bigger man. But everything in him screamed this was wrong. She belonged with him. And he would do anything to make that happen. Even if it meant dealing with his unresolved issues.
How long did he expect to keep running from his grief? He’d never really answered the question. Denial was a powerful thing. And it had a firm grip on his life. But he was tired of living a half life, of running away from his pain and being afraid of hanging his son’s pictures on the wall.
His son’s memory didn’t belong tucked away in a box in a dark closet. He wanted people to see Tyler’s picture hanging on the wall and ask about him. He wanted to be able to tell people how his son had been spirited, smart and athletic. He wanted to be able to share that his son meant more to him than simply a tragedy in his past. And that was where he’d relegated him to by refusing to face it.
He’d deal with the pain somehow because that was part of the healing. But he would also accept the joy that was waiting for him around the corner. His life didn’t have to be over. Like Miranda had pointed out, if he wasn’t going to live his life, he might as well have climbed into the ground beside Tyler.
And he wasn’t ready to give up just yet.
He grabbed a phone book and looked for the first grief counselor he could find. Within seconds he had dialed and booked an appointment before he lost his nerve. He didn’t know if he was ready but there was only one way to find out.
* * *
MIRANDA NEEDED SOMETHING to distract her from her heartbreak over Jeremiah, so when the weekend came around she decided she and Talen would go visit her parents. She hesitated a long moment. She hadn’t wanted Talen to see the lifestyle her parents were living in but she realized she couldn’t shelter him forever. Her parents had problems and the only way they were going to get through it was if the family came together to help them. Even if they didn’t realize they needed the help. But even so, Miranda talked to Talen during the car ride to cover some bases.
“Hey, buddy, before we go visit Grandma and Grandpa we need to talk first.” She took a deep breath before continuing. “Do you remember when I told you that Grandma has a hard time throwing things away? And that Grandpa likes to hang out in his shop a lot?”
“Yes. Mamu says that Grandma Sinclair has a ghost living with her. What does that mean?” Talen asked.
Miranda frowned. Mamu had never said anything like that to her before. In fact, she’d never offered much of an opinion when Miranda had shared her concerns about her mother’s living conditions. She’d have to ask Mamu what she meant by that. “Well, Grandma is having a really hard time right now. And we need to try to help her see that the way she is living isn’t good for her. You think you can do that for me, buddy?”
“I’ll help Grandma. Do you think Grandpa will teach me how to carve like him? Mamu says I’m very good.”
Tears stung Miranda’s eyes. In another world, one where Simone was alive and well, her father would’ve been happy to pass on his skills to the next generation. In this world, her father hadn’t picked up a carving tool in at least two years. “Maybe. But I think today we need to focus on Grandma. Okay?”
“Okay. How can we help?”
“Well, I thought we could offer to help her clean up a little bit. She has a hard time organizing, so I thought maybe if we helped her, then she would be able to get a start on a very big job. Now, here’s the important part and I need you to pay attention.... Grandma’s really sensitive about her house. So try to remember not to make a comment about if it smells or if it’s disgusting. We don’t want to hurt her feelings. Okay?”