She closed her eyes and took in a deep breath. “Oh Lord, it’s not that, Brock! I love that boy like there’s no tomorrow, but he needs you. He already doesn’t have a mama.”
“And I’m guessing you think that’s my fault.”
Her mouth fell open. “I never said that, Brock Shaw. That’s something you’ve put on your own shoulders, and you’ve decided to carry that burden with you. It wasn’t your fault.”
I scoffed. Her words spoken only moments ago felt like they had burned a hole in the middle of my chest. “Like you just said, Mama, I always put the bulls first, and that’s what I did that night. I put a ride first, and look what it cost me. Look what it cost Blayze.”
Her hand came up and touched the side of my face. “Brock, the end result would have been the same regardless. You wouldn’t have been able to change the outcome.”
“It was the stress of her handling everything alone. I caused it because I was never there for her. Dirk told me not to ride; he was furious with me for climbing onto that bull.”
“We both know Dirk loved Kaci and was angry at the time, but he’s never blamed you.” Another long breath was pulled into my mother’s lungs before she let it out. “Your father and I were going to wait to talk to you about this . . . but we both agree you have to decide what your future is going to be, son. Blayze needs you, and you need to make a decision.”
My heart seized in my chest. “Are you asking me to give up bull riding?”
“You have a five-year-old boy who misses you when you’re gone. I know you try to fly home during the week when you can, but you’re sometimes gone for a few weeks at a time. You’re missing his games, and your daddy and I are getting older. We’d like to travel and see the world. I’ve raised my boys, Brock. Now it’s time for you to raise yours.”
I threw the dishcloth onto the counter. “So this is why Ty jumped all over me. You all decided to get together and have . . . what? A family talk about how shitty a father I am?”
She frowned.
“Did the three of you decide this was the right time, right in the middle of the season, to lay this shit on me? Is Ty still bitter ’cause he can’t climb up onto a bull anymore, so he wants to make sure I don’t either?”
“What? No! This has nothing to do with your brother, and everything to do with you being a father and your son needing you.”
Her words were hitting so hard it felt like someone was jabbing me with a knife. I knew it was true. Every single word. True. “Fine. I’ll hire someone to travel with me, so Blayze can come on the road with me, and we’ll just stay gone. Give all of you the space to do what you want, whenever you want.”
A look of horror swept over her face. “He’s about to start kindergarten, Brock. You can’t rip him away from everything he knows!”
“I’m his dad, remember?”
I turned away from my mother and started out of the kitchen. I needed to get the hell out of there before I said something I was going to regret.
Her words only brought to light what I worked so hard to try and keep buried. I was running. From my past. From the guilt that crept into my dreams every night. Hell, I was running from my own family. Every single time I looked Ty in the eyes, I questioned why it wasn’t me who had gotten hurt. Why him and not me. I had deserved it, not my brother.
Hitting Ty on the shoulder with my own, I walked by him and out the front door, and he called out, “Who are you pissed at now?”
“Me,” I whispered, low enough so no one would be able to hear.
Three hours later, I tipped the bottle back and finished off my beer. I’d lost track of how much I’d drunk since I’d walked into the Blue Moose.
“You’ve got Mom pretty worried.”
I looked at Ty and scoffed. “Yeah, well, I’m a big boy. I can take care of myself.”
A voice from my other side said, “You’re drunk, is what you are.”
When I turned, the entire room felt like it was spinning. My eyes landed on Tanner, our younger brother.
Tanner was on the rodeo circuit. He was part of a roping team. He was the header, and his best friend from high school, Chance, was the heeler. They were ranked number three in the world, and I was proud of them both. Mama was just glad Tanner hadn’t fallen in love with being on top of a bull. He’d tried it once and had gotten thrown and stepped on. That was enough for him. His only true love was being on top of a horse . . . and a woman.