Absolution (Honor Guard 1)

Her hands shook. She clutched her legs harder to hide the telltale sign of her panic.

“Come here. Let me show you just how much I adore you.” He massaged her neck.

She peered at him over her shoulder, but averted her gaze before he saw too much. “Um, yeah. I mean, I have to—”

She gave up trying to make a coherent sentence, dropping her head back to her upraised knees. All the words she could say to end that sentence ran through her head. Get out. Leave. Stay.

Too much. Too fast.

Would her dad really have kept them apart? Could he have gone so far as to threaten Joseph’s job? Maybe even…his life? No way. She couldn’t believe it, couldn’t trust Joseph.

“What’s wrong?” He stopped massaging and tightened his grip on her shoulders. “Why won’t you look at me?”

She straightened, took a deep breath, and faced him, purposely making eye contact. “This was great. Really. A great way to end everything. You know? Now we can look back fondly, instead of with pain.”

“Look back? End things?” He stared, not moving. If not for the grinding of his teeth, she’d have thought he turned into a statue. His face turned red, and she cringed. “That’s all this is to you? A goodbye f**k? I tell you I love you, and you send me on my way?”

Her eyes filled with tears. She hugged her chest, feeling exposed and inappropriately naked. “Yes, of course. We were both horny. We used each other to fix it. What else would it have been?”

She ignored the tugging of her heart. Ignored its screams about what an idiot she was. She’d listened before. What had it gotten her? Nowhere good.

“Oh, yeah. Of course. How foolish of me to have thought you might feel something else.” He shoved off the bed, stomped to the trashcan, chucked the condom in it, and tugged on his jeans before storming into the bathroom. When he came out a minute later, he looked even angrier than before. “You’re worse than I’ll ever be. You thought I hurt you, but at least I didn’t seek to rip you apart. You refuse to listen to reason, won’t acknowledge the truth, and do it all without the tiniest bit of remorse. Do you even have a heart inside that cold chest of yours?”

Tears rolled down her cheeks, and she swallowed past the lump in her throat. He didn’t get it. Didn’t understand she couldn’t risk loving him again—couldn’t allow him in her life, only to break her heart once more. “I didn’t—”

“I never should have taken this assignment. Never should have allowed your dad to talk me into it. Now, I’m stuck in this room with you, and I can’t do anything about it.” The last word ended on a shout.

When he threw the bin containing his belongings across the room, she flinched. He glared at all the clothes he’d spilled out on the floor. She followed his gaze, gulping in a deep breath as she laid eyes on all of the things she’d deemed worthy enough to save. Scattered memories on the floor—taunting her feelings without remorse.

“Joseph, I don’t want to fight. I’m sorry if you’re—”

“Oh, stop it. You got what you wanted,” he sneered. He crammed his shoes on and yanked his shirt over his head. “You stay here. I’m going to get a phone. Quite frankly, I don’t want to be near you right now.”

She shot to her feet. “I thought I needed to stay with you.”

He checked his weapon, pivoting to her. His gaze traveled down every inch of her naked body. He paled and swung away from her, his shoulders hunched. “Not right now. You’re in more danger from me than any damn Cartel.” He opened the door and stepped out into the hallway. Without facing her, he turned his head to snarl, “And put your damn clothes on.”

The door banged closed behind him, and Eva collapsed to the bed. Oh God, what had she done? She hadn’t wanted to hurt him. She didn’t want to love him, either.

The idea of opening her heart to him, after she’d discovered just how horrible it could feel when he broke it, seemed too much for her. What if she allowed herself to care and he decided she was more trouble than she was worth, or grew sick of her temper and stubbornness? What if he left her for good after he realized she didn’t deserve him?

No. She couldn’t do it. She was right to push him away. To end things and save herself from more pain.

Why, then, did it hurt so much?

Chapter Five

Joseph leaned against the door, drawing in a shaky breath. He couldn’t believe after he’d made her listen to the truth, after he’d told her he loved her, that she’d told him she’d had fun and said goodbye.

What the f**k did she mean, anyway?

One didn’t pour their heart into another’s hands only to turn to say, “Well, I had fun, but I never really want to be with you again.” Did they? He damn well didn’t. He’d given himself to her in every way possible, and she’d rejected it all. She should have just shot him in the heart—it would have hurt a heck of a lot less.

He sighed, rubbing his neck. No, really, the whole thing reeked of unfairness. His treatment of her. Her blasé reaction to his confession. It all…well, it sucked. Yet, he would have sworn he’d seen something in her eyes while he’d made love to her, leading him to believe she’d felt more than base lust. Apparently, it had been put there by his own desire to have her love him, his own need to hold her until they turned old and gray.

Pain squeezed his heart, demanding he lash out at something. Anything. He needed to blow off some damn steam, or he would combust. She’d had an itch. He’d scratched it. Now, she wanted to move on. He damn well didn’t, but he couldn’t force her to have feelings for him. Couldn’t make her trust him or even want to trust him.

He’d been trying his damn best to get her to listen to him, and now that she had, it hadn’t changed a thing. He couldn’t blame her father this time, either. The anger lay solely at her feet. He didn’t like it one little f**king bit.

Helplessness didn’t sit well inside him. He never liked being out of control of his life, hated allowing someone the power to hurt him. He’d given too much to her, not to mention too much of himself. Time for that to change. Time to revert to his old way of life before Eva—not allowing anyone inside his brain. Or his heart.

Grunting, he stomped down the hallway and out of the hotel. He needed to hurry. Angry at her or not, he would still keep her safe from anything or anyone threatening her.