Below Deck

I knew she was holding something back, and like an idiot, I let it go and gave her time to come to me, to open herself up and give me everything. I realize now what she was holding back was probably the fact that she had better offers back in New York. Ones her father would approve of. Maybe she really did feel something for me, and I didn’t imagine the way she looked at me and the way she believed in me. Maybe she really thought we could have a future, but I was kidding myself for thinking I could be the one to give it to her.

As tied up in knots as I am over all of this, I still can’t stop wanting her. I still can’t stop needing her. I still can’t stop wishing I had enough to give her and hoping that everything Allyson said to me was all a bunch of bullshit meant to scare me away.

I’m a pussy, and I’m a fucking coward, because it did the trick.

“There you are. I’ve been looking everywhere for you.”

I close my eyes for a few minutes, wishing my heart didn’t still beat in double-time when I hear Mackenzie’s voice. Wishing I was immune to her and could just walk away without another look back.

Setting the tray of glasses from lunch on the counter in the stew pantry, I take a deep breath and turn around to find Mackenzie leaning against the counter in the galley, smiling at me with that soft, gorgeous smile of hers that lights up her entire face. I mentally yank the knife out of my chest Allyson stuck in there earlier, giving Mackenzie a smirk instead of wincing in pain.

“Well, you found me. What can I help you with?”

She rounds the edge of the island and walks over to the door of the pantry to stand in front of me.

“I just wanted to see what time you got off work. Thought we could do something fun tonight and talk before tomorrow gets here. I’ve got a problem I need your help with.”

Tomorrow. Her last morning on the boat and the day she’ll walk out of my life and back to all the offers and opportunities waiting for her back home with the snap of her fingers.

“Right, tomorrow will be here before you know it,” I reply with a light, breezy attitude I’m definitely not feeling. “I’m guessing you’re referring to the problem with your job? I’m sure you have nothing to worry about. It’s not like you need to work anyway, right?”

I laugh at my attempt at a joke, wanting to throw up with each fucking painful chuckle that comes out of my mouth.

Nothing about this is funny. Not the words that I’m saying and not the way Mackenzie’s smile immediately drops and all the blood rushes from her face. I want to take back the words I just said, but what’s the point? They’re true. Even if everything between us wasn’t a lie, even if every word out of Allyson’s mouth was bullshit, a lot of it was still right on target. Mackenzie has a perfect life waiting for her back in New York. And even if she pays her own way and doesn’t take a penny of her father’s money, she still can. And that’s the problem. I will never be able to give her that kind of safety or stability.

“But you’re right,” I continue with a fake fucking smile, ignoring the look of pain written all over her face, telling myself it doesn’t matter and she’ll be fine. “We should do something fun to celebrate your last day stuck on this boring, stupid boat. I get off work at nine. Meet me up on the sundeck and we’ll have a late dinner.”

I know I shouldn’t make these plans with her. I know I should just leave her alone and let her walk away, but I’m a Goddamn glutton for punishment. As much as I know it will hurt, I need this last night with her. I need one more night of being close to her. One more night of pretending like something more between us could actually work before I rip the Band-Aid off and come crashing back down to reality.

Bending down, I kiss the top of her head, clenching my hands into fists so I don’t wrap my arms around her, beg for her forgiveness and tell her I didn’t mean anything I said. I walk around her, whistling as I go, jamming my fists into the pockets of my shorts before I punch the wall of the galley on my way out.

I’m a pussy, and a fucking coward.

CHAPTER 24

Mackenzie

Allyson and Arianna supposedly started coming down with some sort of flu on our final leg of the journey back to St. Thomas, and I can’t say I’m not incredibly happy the over-the-top, formal dinner for our last night on the ship was cancelled. I was in no mood to wear a fancy dress, do my hair or put on make-up, and sit around a table pretending like I didn’t want to pick up my knife and stab both of them for what they’d done to my father.

Something tells me they don’t really have the flu, and they’re staying locked away together in Arianna’s room because my father told Allyson immediately after we talked, in no uncertain terms, that her life was over. That he knew what she’d been doing, and he’d be handing it all over to the authorities once we got back to St. Thomas, as well as handing her divorce papers.

I wanted to cheer and shout and be happy that my father finally stood up for himself and took back control of his life, and couldn’t wait to find Declan and tell him everything.

That excitement was short-lived when I found him down in the galley earlier. I was now in no mood to do anything other than curl up in a ball in my room and cry until I had nothing left in me. I planned on doing exactly that for the rest of the night, especially when Brooke found me and told me dinner was cancelled.

Of course I couldn’t hide what happened or pretend like everything was fine when my face was red and splotchy and my eyes were puffy from crying for hours. I told her everything that happened with my father. I told her it made me realize it was time to get a life and that I wanted that life to begin and end with Declan. I told her I was falling in love with him, and he just shattered my heart into a thousand pieces with his callous words.