“He was abusive?” she asked, sounding angry.
“Not physically. That would have required him to set down the bottle of whiskey he was nursing and get out of his recliner.” Turning to face her, he shook his head. “Joe Rafferty preferred the mental abuse of telling us how worthless and pathetic we were.”
“It sounds like it was the luckiest day of your lives,” Jessie agreed. “How old were you when he left?”
“I was thirteen and Sam was fifteen when he cut out for good,” Nate admitted. “We had been shoplifting food for a year or so, but it wasn’t until he left that we found a gun he left behind in the hall closet. That’s when we started holding up stores at gunpoint for the cash.” He shook his head as he turned back to the window. “We had the idea that if we kept the bills paid, we’d be able to stay in the house and not end up sleeping in a back alley somewhere or put into the foster care system.”
“How long were you able to keep up the ruse that you and Sam weren’t on your own?” she asked, frowning. “I wouldn’t think it would be all that easy.”
“I can’t remember exactly, but it wasn’t too long,” he admitted. “Probably a few months.”
“How did you get caught?” He detected sympathy in her voice that he neither wanted nor deserved.
Looking back he couldn’t believe how naive he’d been. “Sam was gone somewhere and I decided to hit a convenience store by myself because a final notice for the rent was posted on the door when I got home from school. I thought I would get the money we needed and everything would be fine.”
“You continued to go to school?” She sounded surprised. “Most children wouldn’t have tried to continue their education.”
“We thought that if we kept going to school and made sure all the bills got paid, no one would be the wiser about the old man leaving and we would avoid being separated in the foster-care system.” He shook his head. “I honestly don’t know how we figured we would get away with it, but we tried.”
“Children don’t think things through like adults,” Jessie said softly.
Nate walked over to sit on the coffee table in front of her. “That was apparent when Sam tried to take the blame and keep me out of trouble.” He shook his head. “We didn’t know it, but the police had been watching us and suspected we were the pair of kids robbing the stores around our neighborhood.”
“You were only trying to survive and stay together,” she said, reaching out to place her hand on his arm. “You were all the other had.”
“That didn’t make what we did right,” he insisted. He needed her to understand that he wasn’t telling her about his past to garner her sympathy. He was trying to explain why he had avoided making commitments and his fear of turning out to be like his father. “The bottom line is that I broke the law and even though the court records were sealed because we were underage, I’m still a convicted felon.” He took a deep breath. “The main reason I kept breaking off our relationship when things started getting too serious was the fear I have that I would somehow turn out to be like our worthless old man.”
She looked confused. “I’m afraid I don’t see what that has to do with—”
“Until our dad took off and left me and Sam to fend for ourselves, all I heard was how useless I was. Then when I got in trouble and ended up with a record, I started to believe I was going to turn out just like the son of bitch who sired me.” He took both of her hands in his. “All of my adult life, I’ve run from making a commitment because I didn’t want to saddle a woman with a man like that. I didn’t want my kids to suffer that kind of mental abuse. I don’t intend to be that kind of man, but there are no guarantees, darlin’. All I can do is promise that I’ll do everything in my power to be the best husband and father I can be.”
“But you’re nothing like your father,” she insisted. She reached up to cup his cheek with her palm, sending hope coursing through him. “You’re a good man, Nate. You’ve worked hard and earned everything you have. It sounds to me like that’s something your father would have never thought of doing.”
“I’m still a criminal,” he said, wishing he could go back in time and change that part of his life. “You deserve better than that, Jessie.”
“Stop it right now!” she said forcefully. “You had problems as a boy and a misguided belief that you could somehow make it all right. But you learned from your mistakes and thanks to Hank Calvert and his unique approach to teaching you right from wrong, you and your brothers have all turned your lives around. Any woman would be proud to call you her man.”