“Your love is a gift I will treasure forever,” he said.
She shook her head. “No, you won’t. You’ll shove it deep down inside you so you don’t have to deal with it. I’m just sorry that I couldn’t show you that life is more than your missions.”
But she had. And that was the part that scared him. He stalked back over to her, putting his hands on her shoulders. “Of course I saw that. Do you think I don’t crave this idyllic life with every fiber of my being?”
“Then why are you leaving?”
“Because I know how quickly this can be taken away. You know who makes the biggest sacrifices in Afghanistan?”
She shook her head.
“Those with the most to lose. Those with spouses and kids back home. It’s never the loners. And I’ve been shown a lot of karma in this life. Who’s to say if I try to make this work that we will have a lifetime together?”
“No one can guarantee that. No one,” she said.
She lifted her hand toward him, brushing her fingers over his brow. Then down the side of his face.
“I’m willing to take the chance, Jay.”
He knew he could make this easy on himself. Just open his arms and draw her into them. Pretend for her sake that everything would be okay. But he couldn’t do it. He didn’t want to cause her more pain by staying. And a part of him was sure he would. Or worse—he’d stay and she’d realize that the love she thought she had for him wasn’t real. He didn’t want to leave her. Hell, he wasn’t an idiot. It was just that he knew that by going now he’d save them a much bigger heartbreak later.
“I’m not willing to.”
Her arms dropped to her sides. She stared into his eyes with that electric-blue gaze of hers and he felt that she was peering deep into his soul. He hoped that she didn’t really see into that bottomless well because he’d seen too much in this lifetime. Things he never wanted her to know about. She sighed and then nodded.
“Okay, then.”
She walked around him to the front door and opened it. The sun was coming up over the horizon and the neighbors were out walking their dogs and getting ready for work. A perfect normal morning and yet he felt shell-shocked. As if he’d just withstood a barrage of enemy fire.
He wanted to pat down his body and look for holes but he knew exactly where the pain was coming from. He crossed the small hallway of her house and when he got to the threshold he knew that if he took one more step he’d never be welcomed back here again.
He was afraid of that step and hesitated. If he thought there was a way that he could have her and keep her for the rest of his life he wouldn’t do this but he couldn’t see it.
“Have a good life, Jay,” she said. “I hope you find some peace.”
He nodded, and as soon as he was outside on her front porch he heard the door close behind him with a finality that echoed down to his boots.
* * *
THREE DAYS LATER Jay went to the enlistment office on base to sign his papers, but the entire time his heart felt heavy and Alysse’s words kept ringing in his ears. Was he afraid to change?
The weather didn’t seem to notice his mood and stayed sunny and temperate as if to shame him with his own black thoughts. He missed Alysse more than he’d thought he would. He hadn’t had a single night’s sleep since he’d left her because he kept waking up to search for her.
Hell, he knew that was partly why he was right back here. This was the one place in the world that he trusted. Then he admitted that wasn’t true anymore. He trusted himself when he was with Alysse and he should never have left her.
In fact, he loved her. He’d been in love with her for the last four years. He’d struggled to keep his distance from her only because he’d never felt good enough for her. He still wasn’t sure that he was good enough for her, but the way she’d fought with him had told him that he was the man she wanted.
But leaving the way he had... Trying to sneak out on her again. He hoped he hadn’t killed her love for him. It was going to be impossible to win her back. He knew he could do it because she loved him, but he had to plan it. And do a better job than he had when he’d called her to the beach at the Hotel Del Coronado.
The first thing he did was to sign his separation papers for the Marines. Then he left Pendleton and headed toward the offices of Company B. Someone who worked as hard as Alysse deserved a man—a husband who worked just as hard, if not harder.
He pulled into the parking lot and felt a moment of sheer terror as he realized he’d left the only home he’d had since turning eighteen. To be honest, he hadn’t had a home since his mother had left when he was eight. His dad had never been good with people, a trait Jay guessed had been passed on to him. But he was damned sure he was going to be good with Alysse. And he’d do everything in his power to make sure they were never apart again.