Ten
“Yes, we do. I’ve been trying to ease my way into your life, but it’s not enough, is it?” he asked. He had no idea how to build a relationship. Or anything for that matter. He was an expert on breaking up companies and parceling off different parts of them. He was an ace at walking away before things got too hot and heavy. And here he was trying to convince the one woman who knew him best that he wanted to change.
She shrugged, and it was like an arrow to his heart. He knew that he wasn’t fooling her. There was not going to be an easy way for him to ease into this. Half-truths and grand gestures weren’t going to win her over. He was going to have to convince her of his sincerity.
She nibbled at her lower lip as she shook her head. “I don’t know. Tonight was nice and I really enjoyed it until that moment when—”
He didn’t understand what she meant. He silently cursed his adoptive parents, who’d shipped him away when he was old enough to start walking and talking. Even though they hadn’t been close, it would have benefited him to have at least observed them interacting together. Maybe he would have gleaned something he could use now with Cari.
“What moment?” he asked.
She nervously pushed a strand of hair back behind her ear and then rubbed her cheek against DJ’s head. Dec noticed that she held the baby closer and cuddled him like she drew strength from having their son in her arms.
“Cari?”
She sighed. “The moment that I realized I didn’t know if you were going to stick around. Or if it was going to be like last time…and I know I told you I changed, and I have, but I also care about you, Dec. It’s not love, I’m trying not to be too emotional or messy, but you’re my baby’s father and it’s hard not to care.”
Dec took a step back, not knowing what to say. He rubbed the back of his neck and cursed the wonderful legacy of his upbringing that had left him so hollow and empty inside that he ended up hurting this woman. He was trying to be what she needed, but he saw now that it was going to take a lot more than just trying to make her happy.
“I thought you knew that now I’m trying to find that bond with you,” he said. He didn’t want to have to talk about what he wanted. Or how a part of him wanted her to fill that emptiness that had been inside of him for too long.
“I don’t know. All I know is that I didn’t want to let you go, but I can’t hold you either. I’m not sure if you’re just enthralled with the newness of having a blood relative of your own or if this is something real.”
She’d hit the nail on the head with that observation and he shouldn’t be surprised. She was astute, and her staff had spent the better part of the week telling him she was empathetic. She’d want to ease his suffering to make this easier on him, but she had to keep her guard up because of who he was.
“I do want a bond with you, Cari. I can’t make you promises because I know how easily they can be broken. But I’m trying. Can that be enough for you? For now?” he asked. He’d wanted so little in this life, nothing that had caused this ache inside him at the thought of losing her. Tonight when he was alone he needed to examine this new weakness. This kind of caring was a detriment to a man in the middle of taking over a company. This was the worst possible time for her to be making him suddenly feel emotions.
She tipped her head and studied him. Something he noticed she did when she was weighing options. He hoped he measured up, and did his best to look sincere. He thought he saw doubt and maybe some disappointment in her eyes, so he furrowed his brow as he looked over at her.
“You look like you might punch me if I don’t say yes,” she said at last with a sad little half smile.
“That was me being sincere,” he said. He wasn’t even good at that. How the hell did he think he was going to manage a commitment to her and to his son? He was going to have to be in touch with his feelings and express them. Or would he? His own father never had, and Dec had scarcely known the man. He’d wanted to have fun with him, to have a closer bond.
She shook her head and gave a little laugh. “You shouldn’t look so fierce if you want people to think you are sincere.”
“I can’t help it. Ever since you walked into the conference room I haven’t felt blasé about a single thing. From the moment you came back in to my life nothing has been normal.”
“Uh, thanks?”
“I meant it as a compliment, but it’s clear to see you didn’t take it that way. I’m not good at this type of conversation. Should I leave?”