She closed her eyes as she listened to the reassuring beat of it. Being in his arms made her think that she didn’t have to worry about the issues Emma had raised this afternoon. Emma didn’t know Dec like Cari did. Surely a man who held her this tenderly couldn’t hurt her.
Thirteen
As night deepened around them, Dec held Cari in his arms. He wanted to make love to her again. In a proper bed instead of outside on the deck chair. But he didn’t regret his actions. He had waited too long to have her in his arms again. He’d thought he’d explode if he hadn’t gotten inside of her.
His determination to have her and to keep his Montrose cousins happy had set his mind to turning over what he was going to do next. It was hard to think when he had Cari in his arms. He fastened his pants, found her panties and put them in his pocket so that the housekeeper didn’t find them later and then stood up and lifted her into his arms.
She stirred and smiled up at him.
“I feel asleep,” she said.
“Yes, you did. Now I’m ready to sleep, too…with you in my arms. May I spend the night?”
“I was hoping you would. Just promise me if you do, you’ll still be here when I wake up.”
He hurt inside at the fact that she had to ask that. He didn’t blame her for needing reassurances. He’d done that with own actions and he was going to keep reminding her that he was here to stay.
“Yes, I will be,” he said.
She picked up the baby monitor before he carried her into the house and down the hall to her bedroom.
“How did you know where my bedroom was?”
“I checked it out earlier,” he said.
He set her on her feet and she put the baby monitor on her nightstand. “I’m going to wash up for bed.”
“Go ahead. I’ll use the hall bathroom and meet you back here.”
She gave him a tentative look as she entered the master bathroom, and he looked around her bedroom while he was in there alone. He’d noticed the baby pictures on her dresser earlier. Photos of DJ from the moment he’d arrived in the hospital being cradled in the arms of a very tired-looking Cari, all the way up to a photo of him from the Infinity Games company picnic two weeks ago.
She had chronicled her son’s life, and he looked at the pictures from the nine months when he’d been absent in their lives and realized that DJ wouldn’t have to know he’d been missing if he handled the next few days right.
But he knew that he was also going to have to be able to give Cari what she needed from him. And he suspected sex and a dinner companion weren’t going to be enough. He shoved his hands through his hair and left her bedroom to wash up. He cleaned himself and came back into her bedroom to find Cari lying in her bed.
She was propped up with some pillows behind her back and started when he opened the door. He stood there for a second and had no idea what to do next. Sure, he’d slept with women before—hell, he’d even slept with Cari—but it had been spontaneous and naturally flowed out of sex. This was different.
He was here because he wanted to be, and he felt a little vulnerable at that thought. It reminded him of his first night in his parents’ mansion and how much he wanted to stay there forever. He’d gotten his wish, but it hadn’t turned out exactly as he’d expected it to. But he’d been a kid with unrealistic dreams.
“Come to bed,” she said, pulling back the covers and inviting him into the room. She’d left the nightstand light turned on and it cast a soft glow into the room. He wanted to believe he belonged in there with her, but he knew that he didn’t. He was darkness and she was light.
He wanted to resist her. Despite what he’d been thinking all day, his gut instinct was to turn and run. Hadn’t he learned that life was easier when he didn’t rely on anyone? What kind of father could he be when he was still so afraid to stay in one place?
It didn’t change his feelings for DJ. He felt so much love for his son; he wanted only the best for him. And he questioned whether or not he was actually the best for DJ and for Cari.
Despite the fact that she’d filled that emptiness inside of him, he still didn’t know how to commit to her. He was still thinking of the gassed-up Maserati waiting outside and how he could be halfway to Canada before the sun rose if he wanted to be.
“Dec?”
He heard the quiver in her voice and knew she must be sensing what he was feeling. The trepidation after all these weeks of building up to tonight. Now that he was here, now that he’d gotten what he wanted, he was afraid to hold on to it. Hold on to her, he corrected himself.
Cari was different than anyone else he’d ever known, and that couldn’t be clearer than it was at this moment. He took one step toward her and she smiled at him, but he saw a hint of sadness in it. He was so afraid that he couldn’t be the man she needed him to be.