Never Got Over You

“You fired your CFO over breakfast last week for no reason.”

“There was definitely a reason.”

“Care to share it, then?”

“Not with someone who is no longer an employee.” I tossed her envelope into the trash. “Especially now that you’re going to the competition. I wouldn’t want Starbucks to know what I know.”

“You fired my best friend Carrie Edwards four weeks ago. Without warning, via email.” Her face reddened. “She now has to work with her husband at his lawn care company, just because you woke up one morning and felt like firing someone.”

I tapped my fingers against my desk and swallowed my thoughts. I fired Carrie Edwards because she followed me into the men’s bathroom at an executive night-party, because she drunkenly kissed me while rubbing her hand against my crotch and saying that she wanted me to help her fulfill a ‘screwing my boss’ fantasy. Although I’d gently pushed her away and attributed her behavior to drunkenness, she’d done it again days later when she was one-hundred percent sober.

“I wasn’t aware that she was married,” was all I could say.

“Exactly.” She scoffed. “Even if you did know, I’m sure you would’ve come up with another cruel way to let her go. So, don’t take this the wrong way, but you are literally the pettiest person I have ever worked for. I’m glad that I won’t be around to see you run this company into the ground in the not-so-distant future.”

“Wait a minute, hold that thought.” I tilted my head to the side. “Has Starbucks hired you to be their new Chief of Fortunetelling?” I asked. “Can I ask you a few questions about what’s to come in my own life or do your skills only work for a few things?”

“Sure.” She crossed her arms, smirking. “I’ll tell you exactly what’s about to happen in your fucking future, Mr. Holmes. Every executive onboard your yacht, right now, is ignoring your orders about the upcoming Stanton deal. Instead, they’re drawing up a pre-emptive contract which will give them the ability to sidestep you—whenever they want, and go straight to the board. You know, the sixteen people who actually give a damn about this company and don’t see it as another luxury purchase.”

I smiled. “Thank you so much for my fortune. I’m glad my future looks so bright.”

“You’re quite welcome, asshole.” She stormed out of the room, but then she came right back. “Is there a way for you to um, call the captain and bring the ship back to shore? I feel like my walk-off has less of an effect since I can’t really leave right now.”

“I’ll do you one even better,” I said, standing to my feet. My blood was now boiling upon hearing her “fortune,” because I knew it was true. I also knew that the only way I could put an end to this and let the board know that I was in charge, was to take immediate, mass action.

I walked to the top deck of the ship and stood near the high rails. “May I have everyone’s attention, please?” I spoke into the captain’s mic. “It’s come to my attention that all forty of the directors aboard have decided not to do what I asked and have sided with the board, so—” I paused, shrugging. “You’re all fired.”

“What?” “Are you effin serious?” “He has to be joking.”

They all stared at me, their faces a mix of shock, anger, and confusion.

“You’re more than welcome to spend the night in one of my guest rooms or lounges,” I said. “I purposely selected this superyacht because it can comfortably sleep fifty and the entertainment amenities are second to none. Has anyone tried the bowling alley on the third deck?”

No one answered.

“It’s pretty nice,” I said, smiling. “Eight lanes and glow in the dark balls.”

“Mr. Holmes…” Glinda was standing in front of me again, her face even redder than before. “With all due respect, since you’ve now fired everyone and we’re in the middle of the goddamn ocean, will we be heading to shore anytime soon?”

“I doubt it. I think I’m going to have the captain sail around until at least midnight.”

“So, how the hell do we all get off the ship?”

“I don’t know.” I shrugged. “Call the Coast Guard. Or since you have to run everything you do by the board, pick up your phone and call them.”

(of) me & you

Sean

“DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA how the shareholders are going to react once they find out what the hell you’ve done?”

“I swear on everything I own that I will do everything in my power to ruin you in the press if you do not hire back all forty of our executives by midnight!”

“You can’t make decisions like this without consulting YOUR BOARD first! But since you’re so damn smart, who is left to come to work tomorrow? How the hell are you going to run your business without?”