Never Got Over You

Once I hurled the bag into the bin, I took my precious time walking back toward my personal hell-on-earth: Girl Boss, Inc.

It was one of Fortune Magazine’s ‘Top 30 Start-Up Companies to Watch,’ and number one on my personal list of ‘Soul Sapping Jobs that Make Me Want to Die on the Spot.’ Every room inside the fifteen-story building was painted in cotton candy colored paint, and every hallway was lined with rose-gold framed quotes like, “You Go, Girl! You’ve Got This!” “Mascara On, Coffee Hot, Hustle Activated,” and “Girl Bossing Ain’t Easy! Chin Up and Prepare for War!” To make things more ridiculous, the executive team voted to make sure that every document we worked on was sprinkled with glitter and scented with rose perfume. Whenever we explained that this made no sense, we were met with a frown and forced to re-commit to the top three rules of the company:

1. Never Complain

2. Never Complain

3. Smile and See Numbers 1 & 2

“THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR being a team player and taking out tonight’s trash!” My boss, a picture-perfect brunette who only wore white and pink suits clapped her hands. “That was hashtag, very boss-like. Hashtag, OMG-humble, and hashtag goals. With that attitude and spirit, you can maybe make the type of money that I do in fifteen to twenty years!”

I froze my eyeballs to their sockets.

This can’t be my life right now …

“Ladies!” She continued clapping her hands. “Ladies! Could everyone gather around me for a quick pep talk?”

I stepped back and tried not to sigh. It never ceased to amaze me how she insisted on calling the staff “ladies,” when less than half of the team was female.

She cleared her throat and stood atop a stool. “So, as you all know, the next few weeks are going to be super crucial. It’s going to be a never-ending grind, but I believe in all of you so much. To make sure that you do your best work, I’m suspending the free coffee privileges, as well as the discounted lunch privileges.” She smiled. “This will test you and show you what ‘sacrifice’ means?especially since I’ll be insisting that each of you work an additional eight hours a week.”

A chorus of deep sighs and moans sounded from the back of the room.

“I’m sorry, what’s that?” She pressed her hand to her ear. “Is that negativity I hear? At Girl Boss, Inc.?”

Silence.

I hoped like hell that she wouldn’t make us “clear the bad energy” by engaging in the company’s shitty team dance and song.

“I thought so!” She smiled. “Anyway, now that Kate is off trash duty punishment, I’m sure she’s happy to return to her leader duties and help get you all to the finish line! I’m proud to call all of you my favorite ‘bishes’ and I hope I inspire you to be as amazing as I am someday.”

The room was still silent.

She mimed a round of applause and we all reluctantly gave it to her.

As soon as she stepped off the stool, she motioned for me to follow her into her office.

“So, now that I’ve formally taken you off dumpster duty, isn’t there something you want to say to me?” She smiled. “Something that rhymes with bank shoe?”

She can’t be serious right now. “I’m sorry, what?”

“No, not I’m sorry.” She placed her hands on my shoulders. “Try to think a little harder. It’s the first thing you should say in gratitude for me keeping you on my staff when I know how broke you are. I mean, if you lost this job, you’d probably be out on the street. I know you don’t make that much waitressing at that cafe.”

Clenching my fists at my side, I gritted my teeth. “Thank you.”

“So, can I count on you to not give your opinion to investors when they stop by this Friday?” she asked. “Because, as great as they were, they made me look bad. They made it seem like you were the boss and CEO of this company and?” She paused, laughing. “I’m sorry, I just?I can’t believe you thought you knew more than me about what rich and high-paying customers would want.”

I said nothing.

“Well, anyway! Glad we’re finally on the same page.” She flipped her hair, and then she pulled a notebook from her desk drawer. “Now, tell me all your ideas for the meeting. I’ll tidy them up before presenting them, and I’ll even let you be in the room when it happens, okay?”

I blinked. Then I blinked a few more times to make sure that this was actually my reality. That for the ninth month in a row, I was still dealing with this tyrant “bish” as my boss.

“Is there something in your eye, Kate?” She tilted her head to the side. “Do I need to get my First Aid kit?”