He gives me a concerned look. “What’s wrong?”
“Nothing. Sure, we can go by there on the way to the house. I just have an appointment this afternoon, so we can’t stay too long.”
“Okay.” He smiles and takes my hand. “Grab your coffee and breakfast. You can eat on the way.”
We arrive at the hospital, and after showing our identification, the receptionist gives us visitor passes and sends us up to the maternity ward. The door is open, so Killian knocks once and then we enter.
Dylan is sitting in the chair next to Christina’s bed. She’s holding their baby and they’re both speaking to him. They look up, and Dylan stands and walks over to us. He gives me a hug and then Killian.
“Congratulations, bro,” Killian says before walking over to Christina. He leans over the bed and gives her a kiss on her forehead. “He’s beautiful,” he tells her. “Looks just like his handsome uncle.” He shoots me a playful wink, and my stomach plummets.
I stand frozen in place as I watch everything like an outsider. Killian sanitizes his hands, and Christina hands him the baby. He holds him in his arms like a pro as he walks over to show me him.
“His name is Kyle,” his brother tells him.
“Hey there, Kyle,” Killian coos. “How much does he weigh? Ten pounds?” he jokes.
Christina laughs. “Funny! Seven pounds, four ounces.”
“Nice! Kid is going to be a linebacker.” Killian grins. Dylan laughs.
“Well, don’t hog him, Kill,” Christina chides. “Let Giselle hold him.” Killian looks up, and before I can get my facial expression under control, he sees the truth in my features. He flinches, suddenly realizing why I struggled to come here. He looks like he’s trying to make up an excuse as to why I can’t hold the baby. His gaze filled with apology. I look around and see Christina and Dylan watching us. Not wanting to seem rude or have to explain why I don’t want to hold their baby, I walk over to the sink and wash my hands.
Killian whispers, “Are you sure?” and I nod.
He places the baby into my arms. He’s so tiny. I lift him up to my nose to see if he smells like Reed did when he was born. He does. He smells like a tiny little miracle. My throat begins to close, and it becomes difficult to breathe. Tears blur my vision. Killian notices and steps forward, ready to take Kyle from me. Suddenly, I feel sick to my stomach. I hand him back the baby and dart to the bathroom, just making it to the toilet in time.
I throw up everything in my stomach as Killian holds my hair back for me. When there’s finally nothing left to throw up, I stand and wash my mouth out in the sink then wash my hands and face. I glance in the mirror and see Killian watching me. Concerned. He’s always concerned.
“I’m sorry.”
He shakes his head. “No, I am. First the comment about being a stay-at-home dad, then taking you to Julia’s birthday party, and now bringing you to see a baby. I know I’ve never been in a relationship before, but damn, I’m sucking at this.” He chuckles humorlessly.
“Kill…”
“No, I couldn’t figure out what was wrong yesterday at the party. I’m such an idiot.”
“No, you’re not. This is my problem, not yours. This is your family. Julia is your niece. Kyle is your nephew. Olivia and Nick have Reed and soon will have another baby. It’s something I’m going to have to get used to…but you don’t have to.” I close my eyes and shake my head. When I feel Killian’s hands on my hips, I open them back up. “Do you think maybe we rushed into things?” My eyes fill to the brim with tears.
“Baby, don’t do this,” Killian pleads.
“It’s just…” I can’t even get the words out. I don’t want to say what I’m thinking. I’m being selfish being with Killian. He deserves more. To be with a woman who isn’t as broken as I am. To become a father. I’m bringing nothing to this marriage, while he’s bringing everything.
“Giselle, please,” he begs. “Let’s go take a look at the house, okay?”
I nod my agreement, not wanting to disappoint him.
He has me wait for him outside the room while he tells his brother and Christina I’m not feeling well. The ride to the house is quiet, both of us lost in our own thoughts. When we arrive, the home is beautiful, but I can’t find it in me to get excited. I go through each room, taking measurements and making notes. Killian and I discuss what each room could be: a gym, office, reading room, guest room. But the entire time I keep thinking, if he were with someone else, the rooms would be labeled completely different: nursery, play room, library, game room.