I don’t realize until the door is shut that I wasn’t breathing, and I let out a much-needed breath, the tears releasing I didn’t know I was holding in. They race down my cheeks one after the next until Giselle comes out and finds me. She holds me to her chest as I let out every emotion I have had locked up inside of me.
As I come to accept every dream I ever had as a child, and even as an adult, of finding the kind of love my parents had—the kind of love I long for—won’t be coming true.
Ten
Nick
Well, that sure as shit didn’t go as planned…Then again, what the hell did I think would happen when I showed up at Olivia’s home unannounced? It’s not as if I exactly had a plan. I went there with the intention of discussing me being Reed’s dad, but then I took one look at him and choked. And Instead of doing what I set out to do, I once again, like an idiot, offered Olivia money. I knew in the back of my mind she wouldn’t accept it, but I had to try. Because for the first time in my life I’m at a complete and total loss as to what somebody wants from me. I have no clue how to make any of this right. She’s just so…mad. It’s obvious in the way she looks at our son and talks about him, she loves and wants him. But then why is she being so hostile toward me? God forbid she just tell me what the fuck she wants from me. And despite her denial, I know damn well she wants something from me…
Just like she wanted something from me nine months ago…That night I knew exactly what she wanted and gave it to her…but then again that want was mutual…fuck, was it mutual—until she walked away. I guess what has me going crazy is that when she showed up in the locker room, I thought for sure she wanted something from me. Everybody wants something. My dad wants money and respect. My mom wants to be accepted through status. Celeste wants to be financially stable, to feel taken care of while still feeling independent. But Liv’s a whole different story because according to her, she wants nothing. But if that’s true, then why the hell did she seek me out?
As I walk down the sidewalk away from her home, I think about how angry I made Olivia when I offered her money. I tried to explain I was just trying to do the right thing, but she wasn’t exactly understanding.
Liv reminds me of a mystery novel. One that keeps you guessing the entire time. The more I read, the more clues she lays down for me to find. But with every clue, I’m left even more confused. At least with a novel, you know when you get to the end, the author will tie all those clues together in a neat package. Everything that was confusing will finally make sense. And, with a novel, if you lack patience you can always flip to the end to see how it all turns out. But with Liv, there’s no end to turn to. I’m trying like hell not to run out of patience, but I’m afraid I may never figure out the mystery that is this woman.
I stop at the corner and pull the paper out of my pocket, needing to read the paternity results again. Like somewhere on this paper is the answer to all of my problems. I still can’t believe I’m actually a dad. A week ago, I was a football player, a son, a fiancé…Now, I’m a fucking dad. I shake my head in disbelief. What the hell do I even know about being a dad? Giselle wasn’t too far off base with what she said. The results may label me the father, but I haven’t the slightest clue as to what to do with a baby. And then what happens once he’s older? I grew up wishing for a dad who would love and pay attention to me. Wishing for a mom who would put me above herself just once. I grew up spending more time with Ms. Kelley, my nanny, than I did with my own parents. The day Fiona left, she looked at me and said having a baby with me would be a nightmare. A woman who had the shittiest life out of anyone I’ve ever known—raised by a drunken and drugged up mother in the worst part of North Carolina—actually left me because the thought of marrying and having a family with me was so terrible in her eyes.
I glance up and spot the old movie theater across the street. It reminds me of when I was younger and would ask my dad to take me to see the latest Star Wars film, but he would tell me he was too busy. The only time he would ever say yes to spending any time with me was when I would ask to play catch. I remember throwing the ball and his face lighting up. It was the only time I ever saw him truly get excited. The only time he would praise me. My heart constricts as I think about how good it would make me feel. I would’ve thrown that ball a million times if it meant having his attention. If it meant him telling me I was doing a good job. I didn’t want shit from him. I just wanted my dad.