Of course, on an intellectual level she acknowledged that she wasn’t directly responsible for any of that, but it didn’t erase the guilt. It didn’t erase the fact that, at just thirteen years old, Nick had killed for her and spent much of his young life in prison. Killing someone left its mark, and it had marked him; she’d seen it every time she visited him at that fucked-up place.
How did a person repay something like that? All he’d asked of her was that she be an enforcer within his pack. How could she refuse?
Shortly after the incident that led to Nick’s imprisonment, she had started disappearing in her wolf form for long periods of time. People had mistaken it for trauma, thought she couldn’t face what had happened to her and that she was left fragile and scarred. It was that very reason why Nick had offered her the position of enforcer: he thought giving her a sense of purpose would stop her from doing it. He was trying to get her “settled.”
What he didn’t understand was that she wasn’t fragile or traumatized at all. Oh, sure, she carried emotional scars, but who didn’t? One thing Roni had never done was feel sorry for herself. No. What right would she have to do that when, although the attack had been horrible, others had been through far worse? How could she make it all about her when her family had also been badly affected by what happened? No, Roni had come to accept the attack—she was nobody’s victim. But dealing with the aftermath . . . that had been a different story.
Remaining in her wolf form had been her escape from the oppressing guilt, the pitying looks, the shame, the sense of powerlessness, and the backlash of the attack. She’d battled against rumors, false versions of the incident, and utter hatred from those in her pack who blamed her for Nick being incarcerated.
The Alpha’s son, Nolan, had caused her the most trouble—pissed that the incident had drawn the attention of the anti-shifter extremists. The extremists had dug into his father’s background, searching for dirt . . . and they’d found some.
Apparently the Alpha, Mitchell, hadn’t left his old pack voluntarily; he’d been banished from it after being “under suspicion” of laundering drug money. In shifter-speak, that meant the rumor was true but the pack hadn’t wanted to make a fuss or it would have brought attention to them, so they’d banished him instead. This hadn’t washed down well with the pack he was currently acting as Alpha for, and dissention had quickly spread.
Shortly after Roni and her family had left the pack, Mitchell had been challenged and lost his position. It was rumored that the new Alpha had driven him, his mate, and Nolan out.
At that time in her life, it had felt like everything was falling apart around her. Even that, however, wouldn’t have led her to escape in her wolf form so much. No, what she had really needed an escape from was her family. The worst part of the aftermath was that they’d wanted to coddle and cocoon her. Her mother had become even more overbearing than ever before, literally monitoring every step Roni made. That overprotectiveness had never been good for her. It hadn’t helped her move on; it had prolonged that sense of helplessness she’d felt during the attack—a feeling no dominant female dealt with well. It had stifled Roni and driven her wolf insane.
She’d wanted to move away, make a fresh start, but how could she leave them? How could she leave a brother who’d killed for her, a mother who’d already been through so much—including losing her mate—and a brother who’d been forced to fight in an illegal fighting ring as a direct result of their family transferring to another pack? A transfer they had made for her. She couldn’t leave; she owed them all.
There had been only one other way to escape: remain in her wolf form. So whenever it got to be too much, that was what she did. Still, baring her soul wasn’t on her list of things to do, so she simply responded to Marcus’s question with: “I get bored easily; this job keeps me occupied.”
Marcus wasn’t buying that for a minute. But he decided not to push. Too much pressure would make Roni shut down rather than open up. “What else do you do to fight boredom?”
She sighed. “Look, I’m not good at this, okay.”
He flicked her a confused glance. “Good at what?”
“Small talk. Useless chatting.” To punctuate that, she shoved a lollipop into her mouth.
“I’m not making small talk. I want to know you.”
The lollipop was suddenly yanked from her mouth. “Hey!”
“You don’t get to do that with me, sweetheart.” His voice had been gentle, but it was also pure steel.
“Do what?”
“Evade conversation.” The female was almost constantly sucking on lollipops, and the sight was erotic enough to risk him coming in his jeans. He’d noticed that she did it when she was uncomfortable or anxious. He’d also seen her do it before battle, as if it helped her focus and think better. But she also did it when she didn’t want to talk. “It’s hard to get to know someone when the conversation is one-sided.”
“Why do you want to know me?”
He almost laughed at the confusion on her face. “You . . . intrigue me.”
He constantly surprised her, and she wasn’t sure if she liked it or not. Her wolf liked it a lot, liked his impish streak and wanted to play. “But . . . why?”
“I’ve watched you closely enough to learn things about you. You’re tough, smart, capable, and loyal—all qualities I like and admire. But for a very confident person, you hold back a lot and can be pretty uncomfortable in social situations. You can also be very self-conscious at times.” It was sort of cute.
She couldn’t help feeling a little defensive. Faking a delighted smile, she said, “Ooh, are we reeling off flaws today? If that’s the case, I’ve got some for you, Romeo.”
“Yeah?” He wondered if she even realized she was playing with him. Unlike her wolf, Roni was often too serious to play. “Hit me with them.”
“You come across as a smooth, easygoing flirt who’s all soft and cuddly. But in reality, you’re a dangerous fucker who’s simply very prettily dressed in charm.”
“Flattery won’t get you anywhere, Roni. Except, of course, if it’s accompanied by a kiss.”
“You hide behind the charm, flirt constantly, flash that bad-boy smile at everyone, and live by the ‘no strings attached’ rule. But in doing that, you’ve reduced yourself to a sex toy.” It made her wonder why and what he wanted to hide. Pain? Guilt? Shame? Loss? The guy was a puzzle, and that appealed to the curious side of her nature.