A Father's Secret

“Do I still need to burp him?” Sam asked, confused as to what to do next. “Or will I wake him too much?”

Erin had always done everything so competently, and the size of the task ahead of him now began to assume enormous proportions. Sure, he’d have nannies around the clock, but even so, there was a lot he still needed to learn because he wanted to be a hands-on dad.

She rose and collected a cloth from a small stack on a nearby table and put it on his shoulder. “Don’t worry, he won’t wake.”

After Riley had burped, Sam handed him over to Erin, who took him to his room to put him down in his crib.

“This is really hard for you,” he said as she came back into the room.

“Talk about the understatement of the year.”

“Why did you stop fighting?”

She gave him an incredulous look. “I beg your pardon?”

“Why did you stop fighting me, for custody of Riley?”

“I think that’s self-explanatory, don’t you?”

“On the face of things, yes. You’re strapped for cash, you soon won’t have the lodge to live in. But none of those things are insurmountable.” He chose his next words very carefully, delivered them with great reluctance. But he wanted the most honest response she was capable of. “Why did you give up?”

Shock turned to fiery anger in her eyes, twin spots of color highlighted her cheeks and her hands fisted on the arms of the easy chair she had settled into.

“How dare you!”

“I dare because I need to know, Erin. Why did you give up?” he repeated the question, enunciating the words very slowly. Prodding her to respond.

“I had to do what was best for Riley.”

“Are you saying you weren’t already? Don’t lie to me. I’ve seen the kind of mother you are—devoted to your last breath.”

Pain scored her features. “That may be so, but it’s not enough, is it? It doesn’t put food on a table, clothes on a child’s back, provide an education and opportunities in the world. Devoted doesn’t always mean safe.”

She got up from her chair and walked over to the montage of baby photos on the wall, lifting her finger to trace Riley’s newborn features. “Don’t you see? I may have given birth to him, but Riley’s yours. You want him. You’ve fought for him. You will do whatever it takes to protect him and to provide for him. If you were any less of a father in your heart and your mind I would have fought you. You can be certain of that.”

And suddenly Sam understood why she’d been prepared to sign the agreement uncontested. He was offering Riley what she’d been denied all her life. A loving parent, safety, security, a home. A future.

His heart swelled. He did offer all that to Riley, would give it unconditionally. But he wanted to give that to Erin, too. He got up to stand behind her and placed his hands on her shoulders, carefully turning her to face him. He could feel her bones through her shirt. He’d thought she looked drawn but it hadn’t occurred to him that she’d lost so much weight. He would make it right. He would make everything right.

If only she’d let him.

“Erin, I asked you before, if you were falling in love with me. I’d like to think that you were.”

“Why? So you can hold something else over my head? Destroy another piece of me? Don’t bother. I’m not worth it.”

Her voice was tight, as if it hurt to talk. She refused to meet his gaze and he could see the sheen of moisture in her eyes. Sure, he understood her hurt over his paternity claim, but her pain went so much further. Past giving up Riley. Past the baby who died in the squat house. Past the trouble she’d gotten into as a rebellious teen. All the way back to the little girl who’d grown up knowing her father hadn’t cared enough to stick around and that her mother didn’t love her.

“I misjudged you, Erin. It was a mistake, one I intend to rectify. You are everything I thought you were when I first met you. A loving and protective mother, and a capable and beautiful woman.”

She started to shake her head but he caught her chin and gently tilted her face up to his.

“I began to fall in love with you the first moment I saw you. I fought it—my God, I fought it. I’d been living in my own version of hell for so long I had convinced myself I didn’t deserve to feel anything for anyone, ever again. When it came to the crunch, I’d only let them down again. But my heart wouldn’t listen when I tried to tell myself you were off-limits.

“That night when you kissed me, it was everything I had dreamed of in a kiss. I knew I wanted more. I pushed you, even though I could see you were fighting your own battle with your attraction to me. I’d like to think that the first time we made love, it really was making love, and not just sex between us. I know it was for me. I love you, Erin Connell.”