Wanting What She Can't Have

“Our daughter’s beautiful, Bree. You would love her. She’s just like you. From her hair to her eyes—all the way through to her ability to get her own way.”

He felt a reluctant smile pull at his lips and he opened his eyes again. “Especially the latter,” he added.

“I’ve let you both down, though. I’ve been so wrapped in my own anger at you, at the whole damn world, and in my fear of getting hurt again that I failed Ruby as a father. But you should know that she’s fine. She’s wonderful. Catherine’s done a great job with her so far, and Alexis. Certainly a far better job than me.

“I felt so bad when Alexis arrived. She awakened something in me that I didn’t want to feel again. That I’d promised myself I would never feel again.” His voice trailed off as a thought occurred to him. “But you sent her to me, didn’t you? And me, the fool that I am, I sent her away.

“She tried, Bree, she tried to break me out—to make me be myself again, to live my life again, but the anger and the fear held me back.”

He dragged in another breath and let it go, noticing as he did so that his heart began to feel lighter. The darkness that had held him in its grip for so long was receding and with it came acceptance for Bree’s decision. She’d been willing to risk everything for him and for the dreams they’d woven together, come what may. He’d thought he’d known love, understood it, but he’d known and understood nothing at all. Somewhere, he had to find the courage Bree had had. The courage to risk everything, to love absolutely, all over again.

“I’m sorry I never understood you well enough, Bree, and I’m sorry I’ve been so stupidly angry with you for all this time—especially because I let it rob so much of your love from me. Thank you for our daughter,” he said roughly, bowing his head and closing his eyes. “Thank you for the all-too-few years you and I had together. I will always love you and you will always have a special piece of my heart.”

He got to his feet again, his movements stiff, and paused a moment to reflect on the woman his late wife had been before turning away from her grave and, he hoped, toward his future.

Sixteen

You’re doing the right thing.

The memory of Catherine’s words when he’d told her his plans was gently encouraging to Raoul as his car ate up the kilometers. Oh, of course he still had doubts. All he knew for sure was that he had to find out. There was something missing from his life. More particularly, someone. When he’d told Catherine he was going after Alexis, her first comment had been a simple “About time.” But it was the hug she’d given him when he’d left Ruby with her this morning, on Jenny’s day off, that had given him the most comfort. That and her words that he was doing what was right.

For so long he’d done the wrong thing, so long it had become habit, easier to slide into that than doing what he ought to have done all along. It didn’t negate the seriousness of how he’d treated Alexis, or how he’d summarily dismissed her. He hadn’t even had the courage to face her as she’d left, instead hiding in his work as he’d hidden from everything else this past year. Digging himself into things he could quantify and control, knowns versus unknowns.

But he was diving into the unknown now, in a headlong free fall. She was worth the risk.

As he left Christchurch and drove north, cruising through Kaiapoi and Rangiora and then further afield to Kaikoura he wondered what the hell he’d been thinking to send Alexis on this journey on her own. He hadn’t been thinking, though, that was the problem. Certainly not about anyone but his selfish and self-centered self.

That was all going to change. If Alexis let him.

As he passed through Kaikoura he realized he had about an hour and a half to his destination. Logically he knew he should take a break but now that he was on the road, nearing Alexis with every revolution of his tires, he couldn’t bring himself to stop.

He wondered how Ruby was doing. She’d been distraught when he’d left, almost moving him to tears over the way she’d kept reaching for him from her perch in Catherine’s arms. He’d had to pull over after ten minutes on the road and call Catherine to make sure she was okay—which, of course, she was.

On the phone Catherine had assured him it was perfectly normal behavior for a one-year-old, in fact for any child who was attached to their parent, and that he should take heart from the fact that Ruby so obviously loved him. Even so, it had done little to alleviate the feelings of guilt he bore for putting his daughter through such a harrowing scene. It made him think about the things Alexis had said to him, about him needing to be a constant in Ruby’s life. Well, she had that now, but he owed it to her to give her more. With any luck, after this journey, she’d have what she deserved. A father and a mother—and a brother or sister soon, too.