To Love Honour and Disobey

‘I guess being fought over is better than being unwanted.’ He glanced up in time to catch her quick flinch and wanted to cut out his tongue. He reached across and touched her hand. ‘Hey, I’m sorry.’

‘It’s OK.’ But her fingers slipped from his. ‘You’re right.’

He’d had no idea about her past. But now he did, it just reinforced his decision on what he planned to do with his own life. ‘I’m never having children.’

‘Me, either.’

His brows lifted—didn’t all women have a clucky side somewhere? ‘Why not?’

She was staring at the board. ‘Because I don’t want anyone else going through what I went through.’

OK, so they had more in common than he’d ever thought. ‘Nor do I.’

She suddenly broke into a big smile. ‘Time to pay up, big-shot. I just won.’

The longer they spent playing in the shade, the more outrageous the prizes for winning became—playful, teasing, and at one point, at her instigation, downright kinky. Seb’s sense of reality receded. It was like that mad week again—where all that mattered was touching her, being close to her. He simply couldn’t get enough.

Ana was brushing her hair when she heard Seb swear. She turned, surprised at the vehemence. ‘What’s wrong?’

‘We’re out of condoms.’ He growled, a bitter, frustrated sound. ‘Hell, the last time we had a holiday fling we got married. This time it’d be just the thing if I knocked you up.’

Her mind blanked. She heard a clatter and blindly reached out; her hand struck the wall. But the pain didn’t bring the world back.

‘Ana?’ He was beside her, his hands on her waist steadying her. ‘Are you OK? What happened?’

She opened her mouth to say ‘nothing’. But he was so close, watching so closely. She saw as his thoughts tracked back over what he’d said, and down that horrible thorny path. She swayed again, suddenly remembering. It happened sometimes—with something so simple, a word, an image perhaps, just something that triggered the avalanche of hurt. It swamped her. So fresh, so raw, it could have been yesterday.

‘Ana?’ His eyes narrowed. ‘What’s going on?’ He inhaled sharply. ‘No.’ He shook his head slowly. ‘No.’

She stared, unable to move as she watched him work it out.

‘Oh, my God. I did knock you up.’ He gaped. ‘Is that where you’ve been this last year—having my baby? Where the hell is it? What have you done?’

‘Nothing!’ She snapped. ‘I’ve done nothing. You’re wrong.’ She backed away from him right up against the wall. ‘You’re so far wrong.’

‘No, I’m not.’ He followed, trapping her with his big body. ‘Don’t even think about lying to me. Were you pregnant?’

She closed her eyes. ‘Yes.’

‘Then where—?’ He broke off. Took a breath and spoke with furious deliberation. ‘You said you don’t want kids. Did you…did you get rid of my baby?’

‘Of course I didn’t!’ she yelled in his face. ‘It’s because of what happened that I don’t want kids. I’m not going through that again. I’m not losing another child again.’

‘What happened?’ Horrified, he asked, ‘Damn it, tell me what happened.’

‘I had a miscarriage.’ She felt sick as the pain seared into her. She hadn’t spoken of it in months but all of a sudden it was present—right in the room—the agony.

‘My baby.’ His lips barely moved.

‘Yes.’

‘Miscarried.’ He looked down. There was a long silence.

She put her fingers to her forehead. Waiting, knowing the questions were coming and unable to bear having to answer them. She’d never wanted to have to answer them.

‘Why didn’t you tell me you were pregnant?’

She closed her eyes—just for a moment. ‘I didn’t want to.’

She heard his sharp inhalation and spoke quickly, preventing his interruption. ‘I was hurt.’ He’d shattered her illusions so ruthlessly that day when he’d come home more over the moon about his promotion than he’d ever been about marrying her. They’d rowed and she’d run. A couple of weeks later when she’d found out she was pregnant she had still been so hurt that there had been no way she was ever going to tell him. But a couple of weeks after that, reality had started to sink in. ‘I knew I was going to have to talk to you. I was just…’

‘Just what?’

She sighed. ‘Summoning courage.’ But then she’d had to find more courage deep inside than she’d ever dreamed she’d need.