Falling into Surrender (Falling 3)

Gabriel makes love to me during the entire car ride home. It’s different than what I’m used to, and I’m not sure why. He’s treating me like I’m made of glass. And when we are finished, I swear I can see regret in his eyes.

“What’s the matter?” I ask nervously.

“Nothing,” he reassures me. “I just don’t want to hurt you.”

I nod, trying to accept that he’s just being protective.

“We’re here,” he announces.

When I look out the window and realize we’re at his apartment, a bit of panic takes over.

“Alanna!” I say quickly. “I need to go to my apartment and see her.”

Then for a brief moment I wonder why she didn’t come with Gabriel to get me. It seems so unlike her. Perhaps she’s still feeling guilty, or maybe Gabriel told her he preferred to come alone. Either way, I need to see her, talk to her, and make sure that we’re all right.

“It’s okay,” Gabriel reassures me. “You’ll see her soon I promise.”

With a chaste kiss to my forehead, he redresses me and tugs me out of the car. I trail behind him, not really sure what he means, but I’m too overwhelmed to argue. As I walk through the fresh air, it finally hits me. I’m free. Not just from prison, but from running, from Eleanore, all of it. I can finally live without looking back over my shoulder. Although, I suspect, it will still take more time for that to really sink in.

As we step into the elevator, Gabriel seems a bit nervous and somewhat detached. He has his arm wrapped tightly around my shoulder, but I can tell his thoughts are elsewhere. When we finally arrive at the top floor and open his door, we’re greeted by a swarm of friendly faces. Alanna, Trevor, Angelina, and Abel are all waiting inside for us.

There’s a commotion all around me as I’m quickly scooped up for hugs… by everyone but Alanna. She is standing back nervously, watching me with a shy smile on her face. So not like the Alanna I know. I take a tentative step towards her, and her lips finally curl up into a full blown grin as she pulls me in for a bear hug.

Gabriel ushers the rest of the guests into the kitchen to get some drinks, and I’m left alone with Alanna. She pulls away from me slowly, concern furrowing her brow.

“Victoria, I want to explain…”

“It’s okay. It doesn’t have to be right now.”

“No, it does,” she states firmly. “I can’t stand walking around for one more day with this on my chest. You were refusing our letters and visits over the last couple of weeks, and I’ve been so racked with guilt. Please, just give me five minutes. Come out to the balcony with me?”

I glance across the room at Gabriel, and though Trevor is engaging him in conversation, he gives me a reassuring nod. I take Alanna’s outstretched hand and follow her out to the balcony. Once the glass door is shut behind us, we both sit down on the wicker chairs facing each other.

“Victoria, first of all, I have to say that I am so sorry I didn’t tell you before. I know it’s too late to say it now, but over the years I did try to tell you. Every time I thought I could, you would say something so nice, and I would chicken out. I couldn’t bear to have you hate me for what I did.”

“I don’t hate you,” I reply softly. “I just don’t understand what happened.”

Alanna takes a deep breath and her eyes fill with tears as she explains. “One night when I told you I was going out to do some errands, what I was really doing was looking to score. It had been over a week since my last fix, and I was broke, going through withdrawals and completely desperate. I was too ashamed to tell you how pathetic I was. I didn’t know how to get help. I didn’t want to admit to anyone that I had a problem.”

“You weren’t pathetic,” I intervene, placing my hand on hers. “You were in a bad way. We all do things we aren’t proud of at one time or another.”

“Well what I’m about to tell you is probably the most shameful thing I ever did,” she says regretfully. “Not long after I left the hotel that night, I realized there was a man following me. I don’t think he knew I was onto him, but I played it cool. I would lose him for a little while, and I walked into the seediest parts I could find, trying to make a deal with somebody. I just needed a little fix, that’s what I kept telling myself. After five different dealers refused me, and one even threatened to hurt me if I didn’t leave, I got really desperate. I kept walking, and the man kept following me. I figured he was obviously a creep, but he was probably only interested in one thing.”