“It’s okay Gabriel,” I reassure him. “It’s all in the past. We don’t have to worry about any of that now.”
“No, we do,” he says firmly. “You opened up to me, you trusted me. You told me about all of the abuse you endured, and I…. I was a selfish man Victoria. I didn’t really think about it, I just kept going with the way things were. Doing things to you that I shouldn’t have. I realize now that I’ve contributed to your pain, I’ve hurt you, and it’s not okay. It feels wrong to me now.”
“What are you talking about?” I ask. “You’ve never hurt me.”
His eyes fill with anguish as he stares at the floor, his shame written clearly across his face. “Yes, I have, Victoria. The things you like me to do to you. It isn’t right. I just think we should have a normal relationship now.”
“Are you talking about the sex?” I ask incredulously.
“Yes.”
“Gabriel, that’s ridiculous. You’ve never hurt me. It isn’t the same thing as what that man did to me, it’s not even in the same fucking realm.”
“No,” he growls. “Victoria, I took advantage of you. And the whole time you were gone, refusing to see me, I kept thinking that was why. Because I was just another asshole that let you down. You think it’s alright, but it’s not. How can it be?”
“It is right, Gabriel. That had nothing to do with why I couldn’t see you. This thing between us, it’s the only way I want now. And I know that you want it too. I don’t understand why you’re doing this. You said you wouldn’t be weird about it, and that’s exactly what you’re doing.”
Gabriel stands up and stalks across the room, pacing back and forth in front of the breakfast bar. “I don’t want to hurt you anymore,” he rasps. “I don’t ever want to hurt you.”
I stand up and follow him, wrapping my arms around his hard body. He turns into me and I press my cheek to his warm chest, inhaling the comforting scent that is uniquely Gabriel.
“Did you ever feel like this before?” I ask carefully. “When you were doing the same thing to countless other women?”
“No,” he says quietly.
“Well, why not? Why do you feel like that now?”
“Because.” He squeezes me in his arms. “I didn’t love them. I didn’t feel bad about doing it to them because they were all using me too. But it’s different with you…”
“But it wasn’t different before I told you what happened to me,” I interrupt. “And now all of the sudden it is?”
“I don’t know,’ Gabriel mutters, confusion settling in his eyes.
“You like dominating me,” I say. “You told me in the beginning that was part of who you are.”
“Of course I like it,” he groans. “But that doesn’t make it right.”
“Don’t you get it?” I plead. “I like what you do to me. More than that… I love it. In a world where it feels like there is uncertainty around every corner, the only place I feel safe, the only place I have ever felt safe, is when I’m in your arms, Gabriel. When I’m vulnerable to you. You’ve taught me how to trust again.”
He takes a deep breath, pulling me closer. “But…”
“No, Gabriel. You can’t change things now,” I say adamantly. “You can just love me for who I am. Just as I love you for who you are.”
“I don’t want you to wake up one day and realize that I’m a bad man, Victoria. That I’ve done bad things to you. I never want you to feel that way again.”
I reach up on my toes, kissing his neck softly as I run my fingers through his hair. “You’ve never hurt me, Gabriel. And I’m not delusional about what we have. I need you to trust me to know what I need from you, the same thing I’ve always needed from you. The man I fell in love with, that’s the man I want.”
He sighs as he pulls me into him, showering my face with gentle kisses while his hands skate beneath my shirt, heating my skin everywhere he touches.
“I want to bury myself in you, baby,” he says, his voice pained.