No Tomorrow

He and Blue have that in common—walking away without communicating.

My heart aches as I slowly lift my head to meet my mother’s eyes across the table. Her lips are pursed in a thin line, her chestnut eyes pooled with emotion. Without a word, she places her napkin on her plate and when she stands, I’m sure she’s going to follow my father’s lead and leave. Instead, she falls into the chair next to mine and pulls me into her arms.

“We’ll get through this,” she whispers. “I promise.”

I cling to her, my body racking with sobs, afraid to let go for fear of losing another person when I need them the most.

“I’m so sorry, Mom. I never wanted this to happen.”

She strokes my hair, like she did when I was young. “I know, Piper. It’s going to be okay. I’m here, and I’m not going anywhere.”

I wipe my eyes with my napkin. “I’m so scared. Now Dad hates me, I don’t know where Blue is, and I have no idea how I’m going to raise a baby by myself. I don’t know how to be a mother.”

“Shhh… one day at a time. That’s how you do it, just like everyone else.” She smiles softly. “And your father doesn’t hate you. He’s going to need some time to accept this, but he will. Trust me.”

“I’m just so confused…when I talked to the counselor she made me believe I could do this but now, I just don’t know, Mom. One minute I think I’m okay and the next I’m falling apart.”

“You can do this, Piper, if it’s really what you want. Do you want to keep the baby? Are you sure?”

Still sniffling, I level my eyes at her and nod. “It’s all I’ve been thinking about. And I’m positive I want to keep the baby. I can’t imagine giving her up and never knowing what happened to her. I couldn’t live with myself. I know I’d regret it.”

“Her?”

I can’t help but smile through my tears. “Yeah. I just know I’m going to have a little girl. I can feel it.”

My mother takes a deep breath, but she’s still smiling. “It’s a lot sooner than I was expecting, but I guess I’m going to be a grandmother.”

“It all feels surreal to me. I don’t think I’m really going to believe any of this until she’s here.”

“I think all mothers feel that way.” She hesitates for a second. “Is it true? About the father? You honestly don’t know where he is, or what his full name is?”

I lean back in my chair and reach for my water. “It’s all true. But he’s not a bad person. I know it seems like he is, but that’s only because you don’t know him. He’s caring, and talented, and smart. He isn’t some dirty, scruffy guy with a shopping cart like you’re thinking. He’s good-looking, clean, and polite. It wasn’t just a fling. We really love each other.”

Her brow creases. “I don’t understand why he would be homeless, or why you don’t know his name or his whereabouts. That’s not normal, Piper. It worries me a great deal. All of this is so unlike you.”

How can I possibly explain Blue? I’m still trying to understand him myself, and I’ve come up with more questions than answers. “It’s hard to explain. He’s just different. I know Dad thinks he must be a loser and on drugs. When he was younger he did have a drug problem.”

Her eyes widen and I continue before she starts to panic.

“But he was in rehab and he’s clean now. He’s just one of those wandering, antsy, creative artist types. He can’t sit still.” My voice hitches with emotion and I pause to compose myself. Talking about him makes me miss him so much more. I’d do anything just to see his smile and hear his voice again. “He’s special, Mom. He’s difficult, and he lives in his own world, but he’s a good person. I don’t regret being with him at all.”

“I’m trying to understand, Piper. I never imagined any of my girls would be in a situation like this. Can you see him ever being a part of your life again? Or this baby’s?”

“I don’t know. In the immediate future? No. But maybe, someday. I think he’ll come back eventually. At least, I hope he does.” I do more than just hope. I wish, I pray, I envision, and I may have even briefly considered contacting a witch to put a spell on him.

Over the past few weeks I’ve asked myself a hundred times how I think Blue would react to the news of being a father, and every scenario brings me to a different conclusion. Sometimes I think he’d be happy, but other times, I think he’d be scared out of his damn mind and run, not walk, as far away as he could and never come back.