No Tomorrow

“Excuse me?” I ask. “What perfect life do I have? I have some guy who’s been jerking my heart around for years! I work my ass off every day! I’ve been single since the day you disappeared and ya know what? It sucks. I’m lonely. I wanted to be married and have a family and instead I’m all tangled up in this mess with you because I don’t know how to forget you.” Tears stream down my face as I yell at him. “Do you think I wanted to raise a kid alone? Do you think I want to play house with my bi friend? Do you think I like carrying your poor dog up and down the stairs because he’s too weak to come upstairs by himself? How do you think it feels that both my sisters are married, they go on vacations, and they have all sorts of future plans and I have nothing? Do you even care that my father barely even speaks to me because I got pregnant and abandoned by some homeless guy who fucked me and then ran off? No, Blue, I don’t have a perfect little life at all! I’m stuck in an abyss because I love you and you keep stringing my dumb ass along and I let you because I keep trying to believe in you. And ya know what? You’re not worth it.”

My temples throb with anger and my throat is raw. He’s finally pushed me to my breaking point and I can’t take any more. All the confusion and heartache and false hope is overwhelming.

I can hear him breathing hard on the other end of the phone. “Wow.” His voice is strained when he finally talks. “That’s how you feel? About everything? About me?”

I wipe my nose with a tissue from my nightstand. “Yes.” I know I’m hurting him but I’m beyond caring right now because I’m hurt and I don’t know how to make it stop.

“That’s really fucked up. I thought you loved me and now you tell me I’m not worth it? Fuckin’ great.”

“I do love you! You know I do. Why else would I keep trying with you? Who else would put up with this? The problem is you’re in love with getting high. You love drugs and alcohol more than you love me.”

“No.”

“It’s true! Every time you do this you know you’re going to lose me but you still do it. You just don’t care! You treat me like I’m disposable. You take advantage of me because you know I’ll always try again. You always have!”

“Fuck you, Piper. You don’t understand a fucking thing about me.”

His words are like a sword straight through my heart. I’ve tried so hard to understand him. I’ve tried to be patient and forgiving and it’s gotten me hurt over and over and over again. Even now, he’s so messed up I don’t even think he’s comprehending the gravity of this conversation at all.

“Ya know what? You’re right. I don’t understand you,” I cry. “And I’m sick to death of trying! I don’t want to do this with you anymore. You can go get high and get fucked up and destroy your life and your career, I don’t care anymore! I don’t want you to ever call me again. Do you hear me? I want you to get out of my life for good.”

“Piper….”

“Go to hell!”

I slam the phone down so hard the plastic handset cracks and a small piece flies across the room. Burying my face in my pillow, I cry harder than I’ve ever cried in my entire life. I cry until I can’t catch my breath and my ribs ache and my eyes swell and burn. I cry until there aren’t any more tears and I choke and shake with emptiness.

Why isn’t my love for him enough? Why does he need to get high? How can he tell me that all he wants is for us to be together and then turn around and throw it all away for something as meaningless as drugs and alcohol? It makes zero sense to me.

Like a zombie, I go into my bathroom and fill a small paper cup with water and slowly sip it while I stare at myself in the mirror. My reflection confirms I look exactly how I feel inside.

Broken. Exhausted. Hideous.

I’ve never said such ugly words to anyone, and I wish I could take them all back. This isn’t me. This isn’t me. I’m a good person. I don’t deserve to be treated this way and I hate how horribly I just treated the person I love most, because I don’t feel like he deserves it either. Something is just wrong.

I crawl back into my bed, but I can’t escape into sleep. My brain won’t rest, it keeps playing our conversation on repeat, dredging up more tears. My head pounds with intense pain and feels like it might explode. I go back into the bathroom and swallow three Ibuprofen and a decongestant. I put a cold cloth on my head, but nothing eases the pain in my head.