Or in my heart.
The morning sun filtering through my gauzy curtains does nothing to cheer me. Today isn’t a bright new day like the ones I woke up to when things were going so perfectly between us. Hours have passed since I hung up on him, and I truly thought he would have called and at least attempted to make things better. Isn’t that what he should be doing? Apologizing? And I’d apologize, too. I’d tell him how sorry I am and how much I love him. It’s true I don’t understand him. But I know him, and I’m sure he ran to whatever drugs he has as soon as he hung up the phone, to numb himself from all of this rather than face it. I guess the choice for him is never between me or getting high—his choice is always to escape.
Chapter Twenty-Nine
This month’s child support check came today with a folded note in the envelope. I recognize the thin paper—the same he writes all his notes on.
I don’t unfold it. I put the check in my wallet to take to the bank, and I take the note upstairs to my room.
Do I want to read it?
I’m not sure.
I could shove the note in a drawer and forget it.
I could rip it up and flush the tiny pieces.
Or I can open it and see what Blue has to say.
Of course that’s what I do.
Dear Piper,
I’m trying to do what you asked and stay out of your life. I know that’s what’s best for you and Lyric. Everything you said is true. I’m not worth any part of you. I wish I was worth your love and care. I’ve never understood what you see in me. I’ve never understood why someone so beautiful and sweet would let me touch them. That’s why I can never keep my hands off you. Every touch of you is like a gift, something rare and precious I know I shouldn’t have. But I want it. I want you. I have from the first day I saw you in the park. You asked me what’s wrong with me, why do I wreck things, and the answer is I don’t know. Something is wrong with me or maybe this is just who I am and that makes this normal for me and there’s nothing wrong with me. Whatever it is, I fuck things up and I hurt you and I’m sorry. I know you don’t believe me but I never want to hurt you. I want to give you everything. I want to make you the happiest you’ve ever been. I don’t want to be your favorite regret or your worst memories. I want to be someone you and Lyric can be proud of. I’m trying. I promise you with every part of my heart and soul I’m trying so hard and I’m so tired but I’m not giving up. You be strong and I’ll be strong and someday, we’ll get this right.
Not a day goes by that I don’t ache for you and dream about you. I’d love to tell you to find someone to love you and be happy but I can’t do that, Ladybug. I’m selfish when it comes to you. You’re all I have and all I love and I can’t give you up. Try not to give me up, either.
I love you like no tomorrow,
Blue
That familiar ache burns in my stomach and spreads up to my chest, then to my throat. All I want to do is call him and tell him how much I miss him. I want to tell him I don’t care if he drinks or does drugs or walks halfway across the planet. If we love each other this much, we should be together no matter what.
Maybe I’ve been too hard on him, expecting him to be some kind of perfect that doesn’t exist. Lots of people have addictions and they still have careers and relationships. If I’m patient with him, maybe we can find a way to overcome it and he’ll quit for good. It would be so much better than this. There’s no reason we can’t work this out together.
I grab my phone and dial his number.
“Mom?” Lyric pokes her head through the doorway. “Are we taking Acorn for his walk?”
And there it is, my adorable, sweet, world of reason.
Smiling, I press the end call button on the phone before Blue answers.
“I was just coming to get you,” I answer, folding the note back up and putting it in my nightstand with all the others I have saved over the years.
I hope you’re right, Blue, and someday we get this right. For all of us.
Chapter Thirty
Do you think you broke my heart, baby? Do you think I laid down and died?
You ripped my soul out, darlin’, did you think I didn’t care?