No Tomorrow

“Will you call me later, too?” Lyric asks, which puts the biggest smile on Blue’s face.

“What time do you go to bed, darlin’?”

“At nine usually.”

“Then I’ll call you before then to say goodnight.”

“So?” I ask, glancing at Lyric in the rearview mirror on the drive home. “What are you thinking about, sweetheart?” She’s been quiet since Blue got out of the car, which could be good or bad.

“I like him. He’s not what I pictured as a dad. I think he might be better. He looks like someone on television.”

“He likes you a lot. He told me.”

“I like his hair and his earring. And all his tattoos. He’s fun to look at.”

I try to stifle a laugh. “I think he’s fun to look at, too.”

“I can’t believe he got me a real harp, Mom. Can I really take lessons?”

“Of course. All I have to do is call and make the appointments.”

“Is it okay if I don’t call him Dad like other kids do? I like Blue better.”

“Honey, you can call him Blue if you want to. We’re not going to force you to call him Dad.”

“Is he going to stay my dad now? From now on?”

Her words sting my heart. She shouldn’t have to be worrying if he’s going to leave her life. Little girls should be able to trust their fathers with all their heart and soul. Or at least I thought so until my own father ostracized me for an unplanned pregnancy and still refuses to get over it. I hope Blue can be better than that.

“He’s always going to be your dad, and he’s going to see you as much as he can. It won’t be every day, because he lives in a different state and he travels, but he told me he’ll see you as much as he can.”

“Shouldn’t we all live together? Now that you found him? Are you guys divorced like?”

God. Why couldn’t she ask these questions while he was still in the car?

“Well, we’ve never been married so we can’t be divorced. Remember, I told you he’s in a band and he has to travel to play concerts? That’s why we can’t live together.”

“But he’ll come see me?”

“I’m sure he will.”

Holy heck I’m glad she’s never been the mega-questioning type, because trying to come up with answers on the fly is like being on the witness stand. I don’t even know if I’ve given her the right answers. I want her to feel safe, but I don’t want to paint an unrealistic picture for her, either. I know Blue. Even though he’s been great the past few months, I’m still cautious when it comes to him because he could take a U-turn at any moment and disappear on one of his ‘walks.’

At exactly 8:45 my house phone rings, and Lyric vaults off the couch, scaring the heck out of Archie, who runs for cover down the hall. Probably to get revenge by barfing on my carpet.

“I’ll get it!” she yells, running to grab the phone from the kitchen. A few seconds later she’s wandering through the living room on her way to her bedroom, chattering away. I give her a few minutes of privacy before I check on her. She’s sitting on her bed telling Blue all about a TV show we were watching before he called.

“Do you want to talk to Mommy now?” she asks. “Okay. I’ll see you tomorrow, too. Nighty night.” She holds the phone out. “He wants to talk to you now.”

Adorableness.

“Okay, you should get ready for bed now.” I lean down to kiss her and take the phone from her.

“Night, Mom. I love you.”

“I love you, too.”

“Damn… this is so crazy surreal,” Blue says on the other end of the phone as I walk down the hall to the master bedroom. I close the door a few inches behind me.

“You doin’ okay?” I ask. “I know this is a lot to take in.”

“Yeah. It’s just crazy. Like bam. Now there’s this little girl who wants to talk to me.”

“Are you okay with that?”

“Hell yeah. She’s so damn cute. She’s like a tiny version of you,” he sighs. “It just blows my mind that she’s mine. It’s gonna take a while for that to really sink in. Right now I kinda feel like I’m dreaming all this.”

“Right after you got out of the car she started asking me questions. She wanted to know if you were going to be her dad from now on.”

“Shit. I’m such an asshole, Piper.” His voice deepens. “I fucked up so bad not being there for her.”

“Blue, we can’t change that. Be there from now on. That’s all you can do.”

“I will. I promise, babe. I’m not going to hurt her. I’d rather saw my own arm off.”

“She asked about us living together, too. I think she wants us to be like the families she sees on TV. I told her you have to travel a lot.”