No Tomorrow

“I do, too.” I smile, but inside I’m crying. I’m already missing the groove of comfort we slipped into together. Breakfasts, walks, long talks in bed that stretched into the early morning. Romantic dinners, rocking out in his car. The mind-blowing sex. Him playing the guitar just for me.

He’s my very own everything.

He crosses the room, leans his head against the window frame, and stares outside.

“We’ll see each other soon. And Lyric, too,” I say to his back.

“I know.”

I go to him and put my hand on his arm. I touch my lips to his shoulder and let them linger against the warmth of his skin.

“Blue? You okay?”

He nods and turns to face me.

“Yeah. I just feel…off.”

“Off?”

“The things that used to scare me? Now they’re all I want. All I can think about. And I feel like I get a taste, and then it’s gone.”

A twitch of anxiety stirs in my chest. “Do you mean me? Us?”

“Yes. I love the band but it pulls me in so many different directions.” He taps his head with his finger. “My mind spins all fucking around with everything.”

I nod and push back the anxiety building in me. “First, I’m not gone. I’m here, with you, even when we’re apart. And second, I know it’s a lot of pressure but I think you just have to try to tackle one thing at a time.” I feel helpless attempting to give advice. I know nothing about what goes on in his band and on tour and all the behind-the-scenes things that he must deal with.

“I guess I want to be in two places at once and I can’t. And everyone else wants me to be in twenty places at once. I like you sleeping with me every night. I like the steadiness of the day with you. I feel content. At peace, like my aunt said the feather would bring. You’re the only thing that’s ever made me feel that way and I’m afraid without you I’m going to get jumbled up.”

Jumbled up.

I want to be the parachute—the thing that will gently glide him safely through life. I could quit my job, homeschool Lyric, and travel with Blue to all the places the band takes him. It would be a different life for us but it might be exciting. Lyric and I could see the world. I could be there for him, night and day, to give him the peace he needs. I could keep him unjumbled and straight.

I swallow hard, ingesting the craziness that tried to fly out of my mouth and become a very unrealistic reality.

I can’t uproot my daughter and my life right now. Someday… I would love to. When I know that Blue can promise us the same security and commitment we can give him.

I want nothing more than to support him and be his rock when he needs me. I always will be. But it has to be equal, or at least close to it. I need him to get there on his own.

“We can talk every day,” I promise. “And video chat. Everything we have still remains even if we’re not physically together, right? Hasn’t it always?”

“Yes. Always.”

“Then we’ll be okay.” I reach for his hand and I’m met with his—clammy and shaking.

His eyes are dark and intense, the smile I’ve gotten used to seeing this week is gone. “I don’t want to lose you, Piper. I want to do everything right and I don’t know how. I’m afraid I’m gonna screw everything up. Like I always do.”

“You won’t. You’ve been perfect. I’ve never been happier. You don’t have to worry about anything.” I squeeze his hand tighter.

“Do you think it’ll last? With me being all over the place?”

I want it to. More than anything. But if we last depends on him.

I can’t say that to him, though.

And I’m not sure if by all over the place he means as in traveling, or as in his mind.

“I hope so. That’s all I want.”

He looks uneasy. Worried. Lost in the forest of his thoughts again.

“I may have sorta fucked up,” he finally says. He stares at the floor, avoiding me.

Please no. Not again.

My heart plummets then gallops rapidly like a horse trying to climb out of quicksand. I struggle to breathe calmly.

“Wh-what do you mean?”

He rubs his palm across his forehead. “Yesterday… I did something that maybe I shouldn’t have done.”

Shit.

“Did you go buy drugs? I had a bad feeling when you left. It was so abrupt, and you didn’t tell me where you were going, you didn’t invite me to come.” I shake my head. “I just don’t understand.”

His face contorts with disbelief. “What? No.” He pulls away and takes a few steps away from me. “Fuck, Piper. Is that what you thought?” he asks when he spins back around.