“We’ve talked about the bird before. You know he’s not real.”
“I know. But this time, he seemed really real.”
He nods like this is normal and I’m not a level-ten lunatic. That’s what best friends do.
“Why didn’t you talk to me? Haven’t I always helped you? You know you can talk to me.”
“I don’t know. I thought I was okay.”
“You’re going to get some help now, Ev.”
I nod and a pain shoots up the back of my skull and radiates to my forehead. I blink away the stars that scatter in my vision.
“Piper wants to see you.”
This time the pain knifes through my chest like a dagger straight to my heart.
“No.”
“She’s really upset. I think you should just let her see you for a minute, so she can see for herself that you’re okay.”
“No. I don’t want her seeing me like this.” I turn away from him and pain sears through my entire body. My brain hurts.
My heart hurts.
“C’mon, Blue. Don’t do this to her.”
The guard in the corner throws Reece a warning look.
Don’t poke the crazy person. He might jump out the window.
I take a deep breath and my ribs scream in agony.
Every bit of pain well deserved.
“Will you give her a message for me? Since I’m not allowed to use a pen or pencil to write?”
“Yeah. Of course.”
“Tell her I want her to go home.”
“Blue…” He closes his eyes, but not before I catch the disappointment shadowing them, and he slowly shakes his head. “Don’t do this.”
“Tell her I love her and Lyric, but my head is way too fucked with fuckedupness.”
He glares at me like I’m an unruly brat. “Do you think she doesn’t already know that? She doesn’t care if your head is fucked. She loves you. Plain and simple. You need her now more than ever. Don’t fuckin’ push her away.”
“I don’t want to see her.”
No way can I see the pain in her eyes from what I’ve done to her. The jump didn’t kill me, but seeing what I’ve done to her will make me want to try it again, do it right this time, just to escape the unbearable guilt that’s eating at me like maggots. I never thought I’d have to face the people I left behind and have to witness their pain and confusion up close and personal. The bird didn’t tell me that, that little fuck. Like Reece with his dark analyzing eyes and his disappointed scowl. And Ellie with her ‘I saw this coming’ face. I don’t need to see Piper to know what I’ll see in her. Heartache. Betrayal. Utter fear. Denial. Love’s regret.
All because of me.
My little elf-like fiancée will spend days searching the internet and will transform herself into a nurse and psychotherapist in less than a week. She’ll make it her life’s goal to try to help me and I can’t let her do that. I love her too much to put her through all that. I can’t let her lose herself trying to find me.
All I’ve ever wanted since the day I met her is to be a real man to her. Someone who could take care of her. But that’s never been the way it is.
She’s already fixed me as much as she possibly can. More than I thought she ever could. She’s the glue that held all my jagged cracks together, and I love her endlessly for it. Unfortunately, I’ve always known that eventually I’d break myself all over again and she’d be left with nothing but pieces.
Chapter Fifty-Nine
Ditra is waiting for me at the airport. As soon as she puts her arms around me in the baggage claim area, I start crying uncontrollably. Again.
I had a total breakdown when Reece told me Blue didn’t want to see me. I jumped on the nearest elevator, ran down the hallway, and tried to get past the six-foot-three guard standing watch in front of Blue’s private room. The guard literally picked me up with one hand and carried me, crying, screaming, and begging, to the nurses’ station.
I could have easily been mistaken for an escaped patient myself. It was that bad. I trembled uncontrollably. My teeth chattered. My heart pounded and raced dangerously fast. My legs wobbled, my head became light, and I started to hyperventilate as Reece tried to gently guide me back to the elevator. Just as the doors opened, I collapsed, and I woke up some time later in a room of my own. I was diagnosed with a major panic attack episode, pumped full of sedatives for three days, had a visit with a psychiatrist, and was released with a prescription for anxiety meds.
After all that, I still wasn’t allowed to see Blue. A part of me was hoping Reece would tell him that I’d become unhinged and he would want to comfort me. Of course the rational side of my brain understood Reece couldn’t tell him, but it didn’t change the fact that I was scared and heartbroken and just wanted the man I love to show me that he was still alive and still loved me. I desperately needed him to take all the anger, fear, and heartache away.