No Tomorrow

“Eh. Feeling kinda overwhelmed and being pulled in a shit ton of directions. I’m okay, though.”

Do I detect a hint of sadness in his voice? Or do I just analyze everyone now, afraid they might be having a mental break? I’ve searched the internet for signs of depression and suicidal thoughts in others, and this could very well be a red flag.

“Are you sure?” I ask.

I don’t pry into Reece’s life, even though a part of me wants to. He knows everything about Blue and me. We’ve talked for hours, but always about me and Blue. It’s usually me rambling on and on. Most of the time I wonder why he even takes the time to call me because I’m sure he’s tired of hearing my voice and having to pacify me. I know something is going on with him and the mother of his child, and I wish he would open up to me and tell me what’s going on. Who does Reece talk to about his problems? Blue? Someone else? No one?

“I’m fine,” he says. “I talked to Blue on the phone this morning.”

My heart beats faster just at the mention of his name. “How is he?” My voice strains over the lump in my throat.

“He sounded really good. Before I say anything else, he said to tell you he loves you. And he said to tell you he loves Lyric, and Mickey, and Archie, too.”

“Did he really?” A mix of happy and sad tears fall down my cheeks.

“No lie. You’re the first thing he asked me about. I told him you’re doing good. I’m supposed to keep the conversation upbeat for him.”

I frown slightly with jealousy and frustration. Reece has been to several therapy sessions with Blue at the treatment facility. He gets to see him, and hear his thoughts. He gets to ask questions and be involved and understand.

I get a black hole of questions.

“Doesn’t he want to talk to me himself?” I don’t want to ask this question, but I can’t stop myself either. I have little self-control lately.

“He says he’s not ready yet.”

The happiness I just felt is sucked out of me like a vacuum. “But why?”

He breathes into the phone. “It’s really not for me to say to you, Piper. And believe me, I hate being in the middle like this, but I care about you both. I’m trying to keep a bridge between you two. He talks about you a lot—more than he talks about anything else. He’s petrified. He’s not ready to face you and how he’s made you feel. He’s afraid it’s going to send him over the edge. He doesn’t know what to say to you to make things better. He feels like nothing is enough and he can never make this up to you. He’s afraid you might never feel the same way about him.”

The ache in my chest grows heavier. “He doesn’t have to say anything or make anything up to me. Please make him understand that. He doesn’t have to apologize. We don’t have to talk about any of it at all. I just want to hear his voice and tell him how much I love him and miss him. I want to tell him how Mickey learned how to sit up like a gopher and how Lyric is playing Pink Floyd songs on her harp and I want to hear if he’s seen any rainbows lately and—” A sob catches in my throat and I can’t say anymore.

“The doctor is working on all of that with him.”

“I just miss him so much.”

“I know you do. Don’t give up, sweetheart, okay?”

“I’m not. And I won’t. It’s just really hard because I feel so alone in this.”

“I get that you feel like he’s given up, but he hasn’t.”

I collect those words and wrap them up in a nice pretty virtual bow so I can unwrap them and hear them again later when I need them.

“Thank you…for saying that. It means a lot….”

“There’s something else I wanted to tell you,” he states. “Blue wants to come clean.”

“Clean?” I open one of the bedroom windows for fresh air and stand in front of it, looking out at the dragon statue Blue put in the rock garden. “About what?”

“About the suicide attempt, his mental illness, the drug use. Everything. He wants to let Vic release a new statement. He might do an exclusive interview when he feels up to it.”

This is unexpected news, especially after the band’s management and PR team went through so much to cover it all up.

“He really wants to do that?”

“It was his idea. He thinks people should be made aware of depression and mental illness, instead of hiding it like it’s some big-ass taboo thing. There’re other musicians in the facility, and they’re thinking of starting like a non-profit to help others. I think he wants to try to get some sort of good out of this, Piper. He’s got a massive fan base, he’s in a good position to spread the word, so to speak. I think it’ll get him a lot of respect. And if it makes him feel better, he should do it. I told him I’d do whatever I can to help him. The whole band’s behind him on this.”