I didn’t do well at reciprocating these expressions of emotion, but Lucian never expected that from me anyway. He was one of the few people in this world who could read me without words. I didn’t have to say much around him because he understood me. But right now, I wanted to. I just didn’t know where to begin.
He leaned back and studied me, trying to figure out the best way to approach whatever was on my mind. Lucian never came at anything without giving it a lot of thought first, and that was one of the things I respected about him.
“I’ve been wondering how things are going with you taking on Birdie. It’s a big ask. But I know Gypsy is grateful. You are in both of our debts.”
I scrubbed a hand over my beard, craning my neck from one side to the other to release some tension. “She’s… challenging.”
Lucian observed me in a way that told me he was well aware of my internal struggles.
“Do you remember the first time I met you?” he mused.
“How could I forget?” An awkward laugh burst from my chest. “You were the only visitor I had in ten years.”
He’d found me rotting away in a prison cell, and for reasons I couldn’t fathom, he’d decided to help me. But I was more machine than man at that point, and it wasn’t an easy road.
“You didn’t say one word the entire visit,” he recalled. “You just sat there, staring at me like I was some kind of lunatic.”
“Yet you kept coming back.” I shrugged.
He chuckled, but the humor slowly disappeared from his eyes as he went on. “Twenty-three visits. That’s how many it took before you finally spoke to me. I told myself that if you didn’t respond by number twenty-five, I would have to move on.”
I shifted uncomfortably, recalling the time in my life when I didn’t have a voice. Beneath my facial hair, I still bore the scars from the fishing line I’d yanked from my lips. Ed shouldn’t have bothered to sew them shut. I didn’t have anything to say for a very long time.
“You were the first person I’d spoken to in seventeen years,” I admitted.
Lucian’s fingers draped over the arm of the chair, tapping out a steady rhythm as he considered my words. “The guards told me you were either deaf, dumb, or stupid. But as it turned out, you were the smartest son of a bitch I’d ever taken on as a client.”
I shook my head in dismissal, but Lucian wasn’t finished.
“Every time I stop to think about how far you’ve come, it amazes me.”
“I still have a long way to go,” I murmured.
“You’ve overcome more than most people would be lucky to survive, Ace. And as long as I’ve known you, you’ve been too hard on yourself. So whatever it is that’s brought you here tonight, here’s my advice. Don’t let the past spill into your future. Every second, every minute, every hour… they aren’t guaranteed. We have to make the most of the time we’ve got while we’re here, and you can’t do that if Ed continues to control your thoughts. It’s up to you to decide now. What kind of man are you? The mold he created for you or someone else. Someone who you choose to be.”
I leaned forward and rested my arms against my thighs, hiding the disgrace I felt. Lucian’s advice was always solid, but I wasn’t so sure he’d say the same once he knew the depraved thing I’d done. I was ashamed and repentant, but unlike Lucian, I didn’t believe in an ethereal power that could forgive me for such sins. My dark soul would have to bear this stain for eternity.
“I took Birdie,” I blurted. “I had sex with her.”
I almost couldn’t look at Lucian to see his reaction. I couldn’t bear the disappointment I was certain I’d find there. But his face never changed.
“I expected this would happen,” Lucian admitted. “You two seem to have a connection.”
“That’s it?” I grunted. “That’s all you’re going to say about it? Aren’t you going to ask if she even wanted it?”
Lucian leaned back and shook his head. “I don’t need to. I know your character. And I also know that you came here to punish yourself, but you came to the wrong place. I’m the last person who’s going to berate you for something I did myself with Birdie’s sister. So if you are looking to hear how fucked up you are, I wouldn’t hold your breath.”
“But it is fucked up.” I shot up from the couch and began to pace.
Lucian waited for me to calm before he spoke again, his voice softer. “It was your first real experience, Ace. You stepped outside of your comfort zone, and now you’re at war with your thoughts. This is a process. Remember that you went through something similar every time you experienced something new after you left prison. It’s only natural for you to be conflicted, but at some point, you will have to stop punishing yourself. You deserve good things in your life just as much as anybody else. The only person getting in the way of that is yourself.”