She reached out to cup his cheek and only flinched a little when he pulled his head back. Sighing, she let her hand drop to her lap. “Jesse, you’re the one.”
“I can’t be, Jill—”
“I like you calling me that,” she said. “And as for me loving you, it’s too late. It just is. My love doesn’t depend on you loving me back or even on us being together. It’s just there.”
He got up, walked to the fireplace and slapped one hand on the mantel to stare down at the cold, empty hearth. “I can’t do this. Be what you want.”
“You are what I want.”
He shot a hard look at her over his shoulder. “I’ve got a debt to pay. To Lucy. To Brody. I can’t claim a life for myself when their lives are broken because of me.”
She scooted off the bed, walked to him and asked, “Are you talking about the accident? Lucy told me about it.”
“Did she tell you it was my fault? That Dane died because I wasn’t careful enough?”
“No, of course not.” Jillian reached out to lay one hand on his shoulder and she could feel the tension in his body. “She doesn’t think that, Jesse.”
“Whether she does or not, I know it’s true and that’s enough.”
“Jesse, it’s crazy to blame yourself for a horrible accident.”
“Yeah? What if something happened to Mac? Would you be so willing to forgive and forget then? What if I let her get hurt?”
He was so embroiled in his own guilt, there was no reaching him. No way to convince him that what had happened to Dane hadn’t been his fault. He was too determined to punish himself for it.
And still, she tried.
“I would know,” she said, “that you would always do everything in your power to protect those you love. You’re not God, Jesse. You don’t get to make the big decisions. The world is not a safe place. People get hurt. They die.”
“Not because of me,” he muttered thickly. “Not again.”
Jillian’s heart ached and she felt as if she’d been wrapped in ice. She was cold, head to toe, and knew that she’d never really be warm again. Because loving Jesse wasn’t enough. She wanted him to love her back. Wanted the whole dream.
And she wasn’t going to get it.
“It’s over between us, Jillian,” he said and his voice was so tight, so deep, it seemed to reverberate in the air around her. “Best if we just don’t see each other anymore.”
She rocked on her heels, shocked at how quickly this night had gone from beautiful to awful. “What about our partnership?”
Nodding, he said, “That doesn’t change. I’ll help you get the shop and I wish you luck with it.”
“Wow. Thanks.”
His head whipped up and his gaze bored into hers. “What the hell do you want from me?”
“You already know the answer to that.”
“And I told you why that’s not going to happen.”
“You gave me excuses, Jesse. Not a reason.”
Even in the darkness, she saw his eyes glitter. “I gave you all I can.”
“No, you didn’t,” she said, shaking her head. “But that’s your decision and we’ll both have to live with it, won’t we?” She took a deep breath then added, “If it’s okay with you, I’ll spend the night in the guest room with Mac.” She stepped back, putting some distance between them. He didn’t notice because he hadn’t looked at her again. “I’d rather not wake her up.”
He nodded. “That’s fine.”
She gathered up her clothes and walked out of the room. But on the threshold she stopped for one more look at him. He was standing as he had been. Alone. In the dark.
“I was wrong, Jesse,” she said softly. “I guess you are just like every man I’ve ever known. You’re walking away, too.”
CHAPTER TEN
The next couple of days passed in a blur of activity.
Jillian’s heart was bruised and battered, but she buried her pain by focusing on Mac and on the shop she was about to open. If her thoughts wandered to Jesse a few dozen times a day, she pushed them aside as quickly as she could.
During the day, she could manage. It was her dreams at night that kept tripping her up. She dreamed of him holding her, smiling down at her, kissing her. She woke up with the taste of him in her mouth and had to choke down fresh pain every morning.
It didn’t help that her baby girl kept asking for Jesse. Mac couldn’t understand why her favorite person was gone from her life and trying to explain to a nearly two-year-old was a lesson in futility.
Just that morning, Jillian had been getting Mac ready to go when the little girl put both hands on her mother’s cheeks.