She was sitting on her floor, playing with some little plastic horses, when I got to her room. I overlooked the toys spread across the floor as I grabbed shorts and a shirt out of her dresser and tried to remember where she’d put her sandals the night before.
“Trix! Where are your purple sandals?” I asked her as I pulled clean underwear and shorts over her tiny little bum.
The horse distracted her, and I quickly snatched it out of her hand and flung it on the bed. The hair on my nape was standing straight up again, and my stomach was in knots for a reason I couldn’t figure out. I was starting to feel panicked, and there was no clear reason for it.
“MAMA! Why’d you throw my horse?” she sniped at me as I tugged her T-shirt over her head. “I was playing with that! I don’t throw your stuff!” She stomped one foot. “It’s not nice!”
I was strung so tight, spots of sweat were standing out on my forehead. “Baby, I’m sorry. Mama’s in a hurry. Now, where did you put your shoes?” I asked her urgently as we heard a car pull out in front of the house.
Her face was screwed up in confusion, her skills at reading my body language impaired from the peace we’d lived in these last couple of months.
“Someone’s here!” Trix told me as she ran to her window that faced the front of the house. “Whose car is that?” she asked as I came up behind her at the window.
Before I could answer, the sound of a silenced gunshot pierced the quiet morning, followed by something big hitting the front porch. Hard.
I didn’t know why they said that a silencer lessens the noise of a gunshot. It didn’t. The shot I’d heard was by far the loudest thing that had ever reached my ears.
In the movie The Matrix, the fight scenes slowed down to an impossible level, so you could see every single movement. I’d always thought when movies slowed it was for the viewer’s benefit, a chance to see all of the action in perfect detail. What I hadn’t known, what I wish I’d never learned was the fact that it happened in real life.
As soon as I heard the sound on the front porch, I slammed my hand over Trix’s mouth and dragged her away from the window toward her bedroom door. Once I knew she would be quiet, I let go over her mouth and lifted her up into my arms and squeezed her tight. Her little body was trembling in fear, but there was no time for me to comfort her, except to make small noises in my throat as I rubbed her back and hurried across the hallway.
My mind raced.
In a split second, I remembered that the front door was locked. Dragon always locked it when he left. It didn’t matter if Casper was on the front porch or not. He always locked it. It was an assurance of at least a couple more seconds of time.
I carried Trix into my room, knowing I had less than a minute before Tony shot the deadbolt and got inside. I could hear the beat of my heart in my ears as I set Trix down in front of the open window next to our bed. I was glad that Dragon hadn’t gotten around to fixing the screen even though we’d had a fight about it the day before. He slept really warm. This meant that without air conditioning in our room, we had to sleep with the window open, or we’d both wake up in a pool of sweat. I had bitched that he was letting bugs in, which he was, and he’d told me to stop bitching because he killed all the damn bugs anyway, so it wasn’t like I had to do anything.
Fortunately, this meant that the window was completely open to the outside, and it was only about six feet off the ground.
Every mother plays the what-if game. What if a car ran over my child, and I had to lift it off her? What if my house got broken in to, and I had to hide my child somewhere? Where would I hide her? What if my car crashed into a river? How would I get my child to the surface? What if there was a national emergency? How would I keep my child safe? What if? What if? What if?
My what-if was happening.
I’d thought about it. Of course I’d thought about it. I’d had escape plans hatched in my head since before we’d left Tony. They’d changed depending on where we were, but they were always there in the back of my mind. What if? What if? What if?
How would I keep her safe?
Doing the thing you know is best doesn’t make it any less scary. I was terrified as I kissed the silent tears on her face, memorizing her. I knew I had only seconds before Tony made it in the door, so I quickly explained to her what I needed her to do. I grabbed the sides of her face with one hand, so she knew I meant business, and then I started to speak quickly and quietly.
“I’m going to drop you out the window.” I shook my head at her as she whimpered. “You’ll be fine, baby. It’s not very far. As soon as you hit the ground, you start running for the clubhouse. Do you understand me, Trix?”
She sobbed as I jerked her once and then kept on with my directions. “You DO NOT stop. Understand? I don’t care what you see. I don’t care if you step on a rock. I don’t care if you’re afraid. KEEP GOING. You absolutely do not stop until you get to Papa, Gramps, or Vera. Do you understand?”
The heartbeat in my ears was growing louder by the second, and I was terrified that Tony was going to barge in, and all this would be for nothing.
“I love you to the moon,” I told her fiercely as I propped her on the window ledge, kissing her once on the lips. I heard the gun go off again as I leaned out the window as far as I could, pried her arms from around my neck, and dropped her to the grass.
“Run, baby! Go!” I whispered urgently.
I had only a moment to make sure she was okay and running before I spun around and walked toward the bedroom door. I made it all the way into the hallway before I saw him. He was standing in the living room at the end of that hall, looking around in disgust. I’d known it was him, but the shock of actually seeing him after all that time must have caused me to make a noise because he immediately swung the gun in my direction.