Breaking Perfect

“How long?” she suddenly asked.

Not understanding, he looked at her and asked, “How long what?”

“How long has this been going on? Was this whole thing a set-up? Have you been sleeping with him throughout our entire marriage?”

He took a step forward and halted. “Oh, God, baby, no.” He wanted to go to her but also didn’t want to break another vow. “Liberty, I’ve never cheated on you—”

“I saw you.”

“What you saw should have never happened. I swear to you, I haven’t seen or talked to Sean in thirteen years. Yes, we used to be lovers in college and I should’ve told you. I wasn’t keeping it a secret out of fear or shame. It simply never came up.”

“It would be one thing,” she said, now looking toward the wall, “if it was the physical closeness that bothered me, but it’s not. What I cannot comprehend is how my husband can look at another person with such unrefined love in his eyes, such need, such emotional longing, and I never even knew this ghost of your past existed.” She laughed harshly. “I have to admit, if I’d been aware of the history you two shared I might’ve been a little more cautious about agreeing to invite him into our bed. I didn’t realize he was my competition.”

“There is no competition,” he said fiercely.

“Isn’t there? You love him, Mason. You’re lying to me and yourself if you deny it.”

“I love you too.”

She nodded. “I know you do. And I actually blame my ignorance on myself. I’m quite demanding of your time. Our marriage has always revolved around my needs, my illness. If I wasn’t so messed up we would’ve probably discussed this a long time ago, but with all my issues, there simply wasn’t time, was there? My hurt feelings are just another result of my selfishness. My mother was right. You should have never married me.”

Her words sliced through him like a searing blade. He couldn’t take anymore. He entered the room and fell to his knees before her. His trembling hands took her cold fingers in his and brought them to his lips.

“No, Lib, don’t ever think that. You’re my wife and I love you. Do you think I’m perfect? Because I’m not! There are days that I hate myself and can barely look at myself in the mirror. You heal me. None of us are perfect. Don’t ever think you take more from this marriage than I do. You give so much of yourself. You’ve spoiled me and I’d never be able to make it through the day without knowing you’re there for me.”

A small puddle of a tear landed on his hand. She shook her head. “Don’t you see, Mason? Our marriage is already crowded what with you, me, and my sickness. I’ve allowed it to become a living thing between us, an unwelcome guest in our home, a monster we harbor. Why would you want all this chaos when you could have Sean? Because no matter how hard I try, I’ll never be perfect.”

God, she was destroying him and she didn’t know it. He squeezed his eyes tight and shook his head, gripping her small hands harder. “I don’t want perfection. I only want you, Liberty. You, with all your quirks, and needs, and compulsions are what make my world right. It doesn’t matter what’s typical here, only that we’re perfectly happy, because I assure your there is no such thing as happily perfect.”

She suddenly sobbed, her shoulders quaking. “I wanted to be better. I thought…I thought by now I would’ve been. You’ve tried so hard to fix me.”

He pulled her into his arms, her body sliding from the bed and into his lap. He rocked her as she cried. “No, baby, no. It was never my intention to fix you, only support you when you need it as you support me. You aren’t broken. You’re you and I love you, all of you. Please understand that.”

Why had he pushed her? Why had he allowed his past into his present? His emotions were so jumbled. While he loved Sean, that was now perfectly clear, he also felt as though he’d allowed a serpent into their home. Her tears eventually waned and her breathing slowed. “Please come downstairs, Liberty. We’ll work all this out. I swear it. I’ll tell Sean he’s to go and—”

“No!” She fought his grip on her.

“No? I thought—”

“This involves him as much as it involves you and me. He just lost his father and found you again. I don’t want to throw him out with nowhere to go.”

A part of his heart swelled with relief and trembled with trepidation. “Lib, Sean has a place to go—”

“No, Mason. He has shelter, but not a home. A home should be filled with love. Otherwise it’s just an emotional prison keeping you apart from the world. He has no family to return to, no partner. I can’t let you ask him to leave.”