Breaking Perfect

“Yeah, honesty is why this won’t work,” he scoffed.

Mason shook his head. “You may be fooling yourself, but you aren’t fooling me and you aren’t fooling Liberty. We see your fear.”

“I’m not afraid.”

“Sure you are. Love is scary. It’s a free fall into the keeping of someone else, a sort of surrender. You think I wasn’t afraid at some point in my life that the person I loved would suddenly abandon me or crush me when I allowed my vulnerabilities to show? Being abandoned by someone you trust with your heart, someone you trust to love you no matter what, is worse than any form of hate. It’s the indifference that kills you, their ability to simply walk away from something like it’s nothing when it meant everything to you. It sucks. I should know.”

Sean looked down at his feet. “I already apologized for the past.”

“You did, and I appreciate your apology. I’m glad you finally get that you were wrong, but it doesn’t change what happened any more than your father’s death changed what you are inside. You’re the same person you were when he was alive, the same person you denied yourself to be. That’s always been you. Don’t you think it’s time to be honest with yourself? We all fear we’ll somehow be ostracized or condemned, but you get to a point you gotta care about your happiness more. Put all the fear away. There is no judgment here.”

“I hate that there’s a part of him inside of me. All my life I tried to earn his approval and I never even liked the bastard. I’m so afraid I’ll end up like him.”

“Then stop trying to live by his standards, my boy. Some people are just incapable of love, Sean, but you’re not. You’re not him. I saw you tonight. I saw the moment you barked out a threat you couldn’t follow through with. I watched you force your hands behind your back so you wouldn’t be too rough. You won’t allow yourself to hurt the people you care about the way he did. You’re stronger than he was. Christ, look at your career choice. You help people recover from injuries while he spent a lifetime dishing them out. You’re running from a demon that isn’t chasing you. Give yourself credit for having freewill. You chose not to be like him and you’re not. And now he’s dead. It’s time to let his expectations go.”

“You don’t know what’s in my head.”

“Tell me. Do you think it’ll scare me off? Make me love you less? Not going to happen, Sean.”

“This won’t end well, Mase.”

“It may never end at all.”

“Everything has a shelf life.”

“Well, why not wait for the expiration date before you throw it all away?”

“Thank you, Doctor Phil. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I gotta get dressed.”

“Because you pushed too hard?”

“Stop psychoanalyzing me. You aren’t that kind of doctor so stop actin’ like you are.”

A bit of Mason’s calm fell away. Yeah, Sean was lashing out like a hurt child, but he didn’t want to hear this shit. Sean had to hear about his faults all his life from his old man, never once feeling good enough. And now the bastard was dead and he’d lost his chance to ever see pride in his father’s eyes.

It was such a double edged sword. He didn’t agree with his dad on anything. The old fucker was a bigot, a chauvinist, a bully. He never accomplished anything notable in his life, yet expected Sean to somehow conquer the world. He spent decades trying to live up to the standards of a man he hated, a man who had no moral compass, a man he knew he was better than, but who somehow held the scorecard.

“I know you’re trying to help but you’ve got no right to call out my personal demons. Fuck you and your perfect life! You have no idea what it’s like to be raised by a man that hates you, to be told day after day that you’re a loser, and no matter what you do, no matter what you accomplish, there’s no proving him different.”

“You’re right. I’m just good old Mason, always there when it’s convenient, but clueless when it comes to real life issues. Why should I know about pain? My life is a walk in the park. All I’m good for is that little extra, so you can get the affirmation you need and once and for all feel like a strong and worthy man.”

Mason began to pace. “Why, Sean, was my love only good enough when his piece of shit imitation of affection wasn’t available? This entire relationship, from start to finish, you’ve always chosen the slight chance at a knock off over a guarantee of the real thing. It’s like watching someone trade a handful of priceless gems over for a worthless doubloon and being forced to witness their pathetic hope that, this time, it will be different.