Rebel Hearts

Just looking at it is enough to make me feel like I’ve swallowed an egg whole.

So far, none of the ties I’ve severed have hurt me, at least not enough to make an impression compared to the misery that has shadowed me for months. But breaking up with Danny is going to hurt like hell, and the logical part of me knows ending our relationship now is like cutting off my leg the night before a big race. Danny is the person I turn to when things get tough, and things have never been tougher than they are right now. I should be running to him as fast as I can, not running away.

But I love him too much to force him to share this load. He’s done nothing to deserve it, and I refuse to let my selfishness ruin his life the way it’s ruined mine.

I’m stepping into the shade of the maple tree in front of the science building, hoping making this call in public will keep me from falling apart the way I know I will if I’m at home alone, when a familiar voice calls my name.

With a curse, I shove my phone back into my purse, grit my jaw, and brace myself for another run-in with my least favorite person.

I’m sure most people would say I should hate his friends more, but Alec is the one who was supposed to have my back, or at least not hold a neon sign over my head letting trouble know where to find me. Instead, my stepbrother stuck his nose into my private business, and issued the misery of the past year a hand-written invitation, and I hate him for it.

I hate him so much I have to fight the urge to spit in his handsome face every time our paths cross on the way to class.

“What do you want?” I ask as he steps into the shade. “I thought we agreed to leave each other alone.”

“No, I agreed to keep everyone quiet,” Alec says, anger in his dark brown eyes, eyes the same color as his cheesy designer polo shirt with the fern embroidered on the right side. “But that’s over. The arraignment was this morning. The grand jury didn’t dismiss the charges the way the lawyers thought they would.”

“What?” I ask, my brain refusing to make sense of the words. “But I thought there was no way the—”

“That’s what everyone thought.” He runs a clawed hand through his brown hair, but it falls immediately back into place, because that’s what happens when you pay three hundred dollars for a haircut. “But it turned out Deidre being dead made it worse for our case, not better. Now there’s going to be a trial at the end of June, and we can’t afford to fuck around. I gave my new statement a couple of hours ago and the others are down at the police station right now. They’re telling Detective Spanuth everything, the complete truth.”

“The truth.” A sharp bark of laughter escapes my lips despite the panic tightening my throat. “I can’t believe you can say that with a straight face.”

“I’m not going to have this argument again,” Alec says with a frustration that would make a person think we’d had the same fight a thousand times, instead of once, on the sidewalk outside his stupid frat house. “I just thought you should know you’ll be getting a subpoena soon, and a call from the police. They’ll want to talk to you before the trial. Hear your side of the story.”

“It’s not my side.” I pace across the grass, heart slamming in my chest and fear banishing the taste of freedom from my mouth. “It’s what happened.”

“Fine.” Alec’s tone is sharp enough to make me flinch. “Tell them whatever you want, as long as you tell the truth about Deidre. None of us did anything to her. You’re the reason she’s dead. Todd and—”

“Don’t say their fucking names,” I shout, turning the heads of three girls lying out on a quilt at the edge of the lawn. They’re all wearing bikini tops and cut off shorts, and don’t seem to care that every boy crossing the quad stops to drool on his way by.

I’ve never been that kind of girl. I grew up in the water, but while the rest of my friends embraced itty-bitty bikinis, I stuck with the same, full-coverage two-pieces I’d worn as a kid. I didn’t like to worry about my top falling off when I wiped out on a wave and I’ve never been interested in flaunting my body for general consumption. By the time I was old enough to feel confident in my skin and realize I looked good in skimpy clothes, Danny and I had been dating for two years and he was the only one I was interested in turning on.