Steele put a finger over her lips and then rubbed soothingly. “Maybe we’ll never know. You can’t make yourself crazy trying to understand how crazy people think. But as for you not stopping traffic? Got news for you. I’d definitely notice you in a crowd.”
She flushed a delicate pink, color blooming in her cheeks. She bit into her bottom lip until he thumbed it to free it, and he softly pushed back so she wasn’t damaging the tender skin.
“So what do we do, Steele?” she asked quietly. “I know this isn’t what you wanted to hear. I know neither of us planned on it. It may not have happened the way we wanted, but I don’t regret it now. I wouldn’t go back and undo my pregnancy. This baby is a part of me. I’ll do anything in the world to protect this child.”
He weighed her words, still processing the shock of discovering his impending fatherhood. “What we do”—he began slowly—“the very first thing we do is ensure your health and well-being and that of our child. You’ve had a very stressful few months, and even if Caldwell didn’t harm you physically, the strain wore you down. We need to make sure you’re healthy, the baby is healthy and that you both get the care you need.
“After that? You’ll stay here with me where I know you’re safe. This changes everything, Maren. I don’t know what your plans are or if you’ve even thought about it yet. Did you want to go back in the field so soon?”
Slowly, she shook her head. “If it were just me and I didn’t have a child to consider, I’d take another assignment. I wouldn’t allow some crazy bastard to dictate my life or make me so afraid that I couldn’t do my job. It’s more than a job, Steele. It’s a calling. I don’t know if you understand that, or maybe you think I’m nuts.”
“Not at all. We all have callings. Mine is KGI and our missions. I don’t think you’re nuts any more than I think I am for what I do. We both help people. We just do it in different ways.”
She smiled and squeezed his hand. “Thanks for that, at least. And to answer your question, I don’t know. You’re right in that my pregnancy changes everything. Changes my priorities. I’ve lived out of the country for so long and I don’t have an actual place I call home here. I could stay with my parents until I figure it all out and until after the baby’s born.”
His frown was instant. There were a lot of problems with that scenario. Apart from the safety issues, he didn’t want her away from him. He wanted to be a part of this pregnancy. He wanted to be there when his child came into the world. And he couldn’t very well do that if she lived states away.
“What are you thinking?” she asked softly.
Her gaze was focused on him, her blue eyes inquiring.
“I don’t want you miles away from me,” he said bluntly. “I may not have planned this any more than you did, but I want to be a part of my child’s life, Maren. I want to see you get bigger. I want to feel him or her kick inside you. I want to see the sonogram pictures. And I damn sure want to be there for the birth. There’s no reason for you to do it alone. You won’t be alone. Because I’ll be there. Every step of the way.”
Her eyes widened, but he saw relief there. Had she wanted him with her? Had she been afraid he wouldn’t want to be a part of his child’s life?
“I’ve said what I want,” he continued. “But we haven’t talked about what you want.”
“I want you with me,” she whispered. “I’d like that a lot. I wasn’t sure. I mean, I know this was a huge bomb to drop on you. I know it’ll take you time to digest it all. I guess I was worried that you wouldn’t want much to do with me or the baby.”
His eyes narrowed. “That’s not going to happen. But you need to know that I’ll be overbearing. It’s who I am. And you have to prepare yourself for that. When it comes to your safety and the safety of our baby, I know myself well enough to know what kind of man I’ll be. And that will probably drive you crazy. It would drive most women crazy. I’ll try to be reasonable. I’ll try to take it down a notch. But I’m warning you from the start that the only way I know is head-on, and I’m used to having things done my way.”
Her lips twitched and amusement gleamed in her eyes. “I’m not one of your team members, Steele. Just remember that. I don’t take orders very well.”
He smiled ruefully. “I’ll try my best, but you’re going to have to be patient with me.”
“Make you a deal. I’ll be patient with you as long as you promise to be patient with me and to try to control your urge to boss me around.”
“Deal.”
“So where does that leave us, Steele? What do we do now? And do we try to figure out anything beyond the birth of our baby, or do we just take it as it comes and decide that when the time comes?”
He took a deep breath, wondering just how much he needed to lay on her right now. If he had his way, he’d move her into his home lock, stock and barrel and call it good. But he didn’t want to overwhelm her from the very start. Especially when he had no idea what his feelings were, what her feelings were or if they were even compatible as housemates.
Steele put a finger over her lips and then rubbed soothingly. “Maybe we’ll never know. You can’t make yourself crazy trying to understand how crazy people think. But as for you not stopping traffic? Got news for you. I’d definitely notice you in a crowd.”
She flushed a delicate pink, color blooming in her cheeks. She bit into her bottom lip until he thumbed it to free it, and he softly pushed back so she wasn’t damaging the tender skin.
“So what do we do, Steele?” she asked quietly. “I know this isn’t what you wanted to hear. I know neither of us planned on it. It may not have happened the way we wanted, but I don’t regret it now. I wouldn’t go back and undo my pregnancy. This baby is a part of me. I’ll do anything in the world to protect this child.”
He weighed her words, still processing the shock of discovering his impending fatherhood. “What we do”—he began slowly—“the very first thing we do is ensure your health and well-being and that of our child. You’ve had a very stressful few months, and even if Caldwell didn’t harm you physically, the strain wore you down. We need to make sure you’re healthy, the baby is healthy and that you both get the care you need.
“After that? You’ll stay here with me where I know you’re safe. This changes everything, Maren. I don’t know what your plans are or if you’ve even thought about it yet. Did you want to go back in the field so soon?”
Slowly, she shook her head. “If it were just me and I didn’t have a child to consider, I’d take another assignment. I wouldn’t allow some crazy bastard to dictate my life or make me so afraid that I couldn’t do my job. It’s more than a job, Steele. It’s a calling. I don’t know if you understand that, or maybe you think I’m nuts.”
“Not at all. We all have callings. Mine is KGI and our missions. I don’t think you’re nuts any more than I think I am for what I do. We both help people. We just do it in different ways.”
She smiled and squeezed his hand. “Thanks for that, at least. And to answer your question, I don’t know. You’re right in that my pregnancy changes everything. Changes my priorities. I’ve lived out of the country for so long and I don’t have an actual place I call home here. I could stay with my parents until I figure it all out and until after the baby’s born.”
His frown was instant. There were a lot of problems with that scenario. Apart from the safety issues, he didn’t want her away from him. He wanted to be a part of this pregnancy. He wanted to be there when his child came into the world. And he couldn’t very well do that if she lived states away.
“What are you thinking?” she asked softly.
Her gaze was focused on him, her blue eyes inquiring.
“I don’t want you miles away from me,” he said bluntly. “I may not have planned this any more than you did, but I want to be a part of my child’s life, Maren. I want to see you get bigger. I want to feel him or her kick inside you. I want to see the sonogram pictures. And I damn sure want to be there for the birth. There’s no reason for you to do it alone. You won’t be alone. Because I’ll be there. Every step of the way.”
Her eyes widened, but he saw relief there. Had she wanted him with her? Had she been afraid he wouldn’t want to be a part of his child’s life?
“I’ve said what I want,” he continued. “But we haven’t talked about what you want.”
“I want you with me,” she whispered. “I’d like that a lot. I wasn’t sure. I mean, I know this was a huge bomb to drop on you. I know it’ll take you time to digest it all. I guess I was worried that you wouldn’t want much to do with me or the baby.”
His eyes narrowed. “That’s not going to happen. But you need to know that I’ll be overbearing. It’s who I am. And you have to prepare yourself for that. When it comes to your safety and the safety of our baby, I know myself well enough to know what kind of man I’ll be. And that will probably drive you crazy. It would drive most women crazy. I’ll try to be reasonable. I’ll try to take it down a notch. But I’m warning you from the start that the only way I know is head-on, and I’m used to having things done my way.”
Her lips twitched and amusement gleamed in her eyes. “I’m not one of your team members, Steele. Just remember that. I don’t take orders very well.”
He smiled ruefully. “I’ll try my best, but you’re going to have to be patient with me.”
“Make you a deal. I’ll be patient with you as long as you promise to be patient with me and to try to control your urge to boss me around.”
“Deal.”
“So where does that leave us, Steele? What do we do now? And do we try to figure out anything beyond the birth of our baby, or do we just take it as it comes and decide that when the time comes?”
He took a deep breath, wondering just how much he needed to lay on her right now. If he had his way, he’d move her into his home lock, stock and barrel and call it good. But he didn’t want to overwhelm her from the very start. Especially when he had no idea what his feelings were, what her feelings were or if they were even compatible as housemates.
He knew for damn certain that she wouldn’t live in his home without her eventually sleeping in his bed. That was a given. One time hadn’t been enough, even before he’d known she was carrying his child. She’d haunted his every thought ever since the nights they’d spent together, and that was before she’d gone missing. She’d only become more of an obsession once he’d been determined to find her and bring her home safely.
But he had no idea if that attraction was reciprocated. They’d had great sex, or at least it was to him. But just because they’d torn up the sheets a few times didn’t mean she’d be lining up to get into his bed again. And there was the fact that the first time he’d very bluntly told her that he wanted her out of his system, and then he’d left the next morning without another word, further contact or anything. He was still kicking himself over that. If he hadn’t been such an asshole determined to exorcise her from his every thought, maybe she wouldn’t have ended up an unwilling guest of Javier Mendoza aka Tristan Caldwell. It was very possible he’d screwed up beyond redemption and she wouldn’t want anything to do with him other than letting him help her through her pregnancy.
And he’d be a complete bastard to come on strong so soon after her rescue anyway. She needed time to get her bearings, refocus her life and come to terms with everything that had happened in a short period of time before she could be expected to make any decisions regarding her pregnancy, her life and a relationship with him.
Relationship. The word stuck out like a neon sign in his mind. Was he contemplating an actual relationship? If someone had asked him six months before, he would have been quick to say a relationship was the very last thing he was looking for or wanted. His job was his life. His team was his life. And a permanent partner or lover would have had no part of the path he’d chosen. It wouldn’t be fair to a woman to have to share him with his team and his responsibilities to KGI.
Hell, it wouldn’t be fair to Maren or their child. Which meant he had some pretty big decisions in his future. Ones he didn’t want to contemplate yet. But then how could he possibly walk away from a woman who had become for all practical purposes an obsession, living in his thoughts on a constant basis? The mother of his child. A tiny little life that was of his blood. Someone who would depend on him for love and protection. No way could he back away from that responsibility. It wasn’t something he’d even consider.
Which meant that he and Maren were going to be inexorably tied for the rest of their lives, no matter what happened between them.
She was still waiting for a response, and he sucked in a breath before leveling his gaze in her direction, locking with hers.
“What I suggest is that for now, you stay with me. There’s a whole host of reasons, but we’ll go with the two most important. I won’t take chances with your safety or the baby’s. That means you need to be where I can protect you. Where I know you’re safe and taken care of. And you said yourself you didn’t have a residence stateside, which means that you’ll need a place to be comfortable as your pregnancy progresses. I’ve already vetoed you going to your folks because, and this ties in with reason number one, it isn’t safe. I don’t want you in that kind of danger and I don’t think you want your parents or brother at risk either.”
She shook her head adamantly. “No, I don’t.”
“Do you have a problem living here with me?” he asked softly.
She hesitated before slowly shaking her head again. “Do you have a problem with it?”
“I wouldn’t have offered unless it was something I was sure of.”
“But where does it leave . . . us?” she whispered. “Or is there even an us? I feel like an idiot here, Steele, but I don’t know what we are. Are we kind of friends who happen to be having a baby together? Are we former lovers who’ll have a civil relationship because it’s best for the baby? Or am I making a complete moron of myself for even thinking that the time we spent together was something more than you getting me out of your system?”
He snorted but was relieved that his earlier concern might well have been misplaced. He’d worried he’d ruined any chance of ever having her in his bed again. But if he was nothing else, he was determined, and he’d never given up on anything he wanted. And he definitely wanted her.
“I was a dumbass for thinking I would ever get you out of my system. If anything that night just dug you further under my skin than ever. You aren’t a moron, Maren. That night meant something to me too. More than I intended. I won’t lie to you. It was damn inconvenient, and no, I’m not talking about the baby. I have no regrets there. But that’s why I came back to you that time and why I had every intention of coming back to you again when my mission was completed. Because I couldn’t stop thinking about you after that first night.”
Her eyes flared and her nostrils quivered as she stared back at him. There was clear relief in her eyes, and her shoulders drooped downward as if she’d been tense until his reply.
“And I’ll tell you something else,” he murmured, leaning in until their mouths were tantalizingly close. “I plan to have you back in my bed. Maybe not tonight or tomorrow or even next week. But it’s going to happen, and we both know it.”
CHAPTER 27
STEELE left Maren to make her phone calls, but he remained close, intentionally listening in. It probably made him an asshole to eavesdrop on her phone call, but at this point, he’d take any advantage he could in finding out any information that helped him achieve his goal.
It hadn’t completely solidified in his mind exactly what his end goal was. All he knew was that he wasn’t going to let Maren out of his sight. No way he was walking away from her, not when she and their baby needed him the most.
It tormented his thoughts that if he’d known there was any possibility that she was pregnant, he would have never left her and she wouldn’t have been taken by Tristan Caldwell. He understood her reasons. He wasn’t angry with her for not telling him. But he wished she had. He wished she had shared her suspicions and her fears. They could have faced them together, and he would have been there when she got those damn lab results in.
He was suddenly thinking long term, and that unsettled him. His life had always been carefully mapped out. He planned to work with KGI at least another ten years before he even considered retirement. By then he’d have enough money amassed in his bank account and investments to live comfortably the rest of his life. But even as he eyed that time frame, he knew that if he was still in good health and hadn’t managed to get killed or seriously maimed himself, he’d get bored just sitting around, hunting and fishing and being out of action.
In ten years he’d be approaching fifty. Beyond when most men settled down, got married, had children. But he’d never considered having a serious relationship when he was still actively involved with KGI. It didn’t seem fair to leave a wife and children and go off to parts unknown where he ran the risk of not making it back. No woman wanted that kind of uncertainty, and he couldn’t blame her.
But now Maren—and the impending arrival of their child—had changed everything on a dime. And he wasn’t sure what the hell to do about that fact. When he thought of living separate lives, of seeing his child only when their schedules permitted, of being a part-time father, he didn’t like it one bit. That wasn’t who he was. It was never who he wanted to be.
But what did Maren herself want? That was the million-dollar question. But he could hardly ask it when he himself didn’t have the answer to what he wanted.