He moved his hands to his trim hips. “Fill me in on what we’re talking about.”
She waited until the group of teenagers walking by in the hall and arguing about baseball scores moved on and then lowered her voice. “You change from one minute to the next.”
He shrugged. “It’s a job hazard.”
That was exactly her fear. “Is that really your answer?”
“Do you know anyone who’s happy all the time?”
“Are you kidding?” She threw her arms out wide and moved in a semicircle. “Do you see where you’re standing?”
“The last year pretty much sucked. I had this job...” He blew out a tortured breath. “Well, it doesn’t matter.”
“NCIS.” It was the one topic they’d always danced around. Through the getting-to-know-you talks and dinner, he had filled her in about work but only in general terms. More about older days in the navy and how he felt about service.
The light left his eyes. “I’m guessing you know the worst and have made up your mind about what happened and what I should have done.”
She treaded carefully. She knew this one stung. From everything she’d read, he had taken on a horrible situation like an expert, like everyone should want him to do—with dignity and honor—and then got clobbered for it. His father, some military bigwig, had given a ridiculous quote about how “these things” should be handled internally.
Seeing the pain etched on every line of Ben’s face made her ache for him. “Not to make things worse for you on this subject, but doesn’t everyone? But you saved people. Lara told me you saved her.”
“No, Davis and Pax did that. Pax has the bullet wound to prove it.”
“I remember Pax from the hospital.” Patients’ faces sometimes ran together, but his had triggered her memory as soon as he’d said who he was yesterday. He’d been guarded around the clock and demanded to be released almost from the minute his back hit the bed.
“That sort of thing changes you. You think you know the rules and the parameters are clear, then something shakes what you believe in.” Ben’s gaze went to the window for a second before coming back to her. “You come face-to-face with what you think is the end, with the destruction of all you’ve worked for, and you can’t walk away unscathed.”
He was finally talking, and when he stopped, she held her breath waiting for more. “You believed in your boss.”
“I believed in the system and in NCIS and lost all of it. People went to prison, but I went before an administrative board and got sanctioned for working without permission with the Corcoran Team to get the truth out. Had to listen to threats about betraying my country.”
An icy cold washed through her at his words and flat tone. “What?”
“After being so sure and being so wrong, my perspective is off.” His eyes closed for the briefest of moments before reopening with the dullness gone. “I worry I’ll mess up. Guilt eats at me and fear tears me up.”
Something in the way he held his body stiffly and his eyes drilled into her as if trying to will her to believe and accept had her resting a hand against his firm chest. “I can’t imagine you being afraid of anything.”
His hand covered hers. “Only an idiot doesn’t know fear. It’s how you work through it that matters.”
“You honestly believe that?”
“Yes.” Voices sounded in the hallway and he glanced over her shoulder to watch another group pass by.
The buzz of activity didn’t diminish. A constant stream of calls sounded over the intercom. Still, her entire focus stayed on the compelling man in front of her.
“I’ve been stationed overseas and served on ships. After putting my life on the line over and over, I walked into a room and wanted to put a bullet through a man I once respected, a man who worked his way to the top of NCIS.” He gave her fingers a squeeze before dropping his hand. “So, yeah, I believe in a healthy dose of fear.”
The words made a difference. Him opening up, sharing and not holding back. His thoughts about danger and his honesty, even though she could see the storms inside him were ripping him apart.
She’d known fear. She had stood at her door and watched a policeman smash it down. She had listened when he told his superiors lies about how they’d been dating and had a small fight. He’d been a neighbor, then he became a nuisance when he wouldn’t leave her alone and started commenting on her dates and her clothes.
He had built this fantasy about the two of them and sold it to everyone, until she never felt safe. Then one time he had gone so far that even his loyal partner had broken his silence.