Wallbanger (Cocktail 1)

“I did. You’ve got a great set of sconces.” I smiled sweetly and looked directly at his crotch.

“Sconces?” he mumbled, clearing his throat.

“Occupational hazard. So where are you headed, anyway? Overseas, I mean.” I dragged my eyes deliberately back up to his, and noticed his were nowhere near my face. Heh, heh, heh…

“What? Oh, um, Ireland. Shooting a bunch of coastal spots for Condé Nast, and then going into some of the smaller towns,” he answered, bringing his gaze back to mine.

It was nice to see him a bit flustered. “Ireland, nice. Well, bring me back a sweater.”

“Sweater, got it. Anything else?”

“A pot of gold? And a shamrock?”

“Great. I won’t have to leave the airport gift shop,” he muttered.

“And then when you come home, I’ll do a little Irish dance for you!” I cried and started laughing at the lunacy of this conversation.

“Aw, Nightie Girl, did you just offer to dance for me?” he said in a low voice, stepping a little closer.

And just like that, the balance of power shifted.

“Simon, Simon, Simon,” I exhaled, shaking my head. Mainly to clear it from the effect of him being so near. “We’ve been over this. I have no desire to join the harem.”

“What makes you think I’d ask you?”

“What makes you think you wouldn’t? Besides, I think that would mess with the truce, don’t you?” I laughed.

“Mmm, the truce,” he said.

Just then I heard steps on the stairs below. “Simon? Is that you?” a voice called up.

At that he leaned back, away from me. I looked down and realized we’d been inching toward each other on the landing throughout our exchange.

“Hey, Katie, up here!” he called down.

“A haremette? I’ll watch my walls tonight,” I said softly.

“Stop it. She had a hard day at work, and we’re heading out to a movie. That’s it.”

He smiled sheepishly at me, and I laughed. If we were going to be friends, I might as well meet the harem, by God.

A moment later we were joined by Katie, who I, of course, knew as Spanx. I muffled a laugh as I smiled at her.

“Katie, this is my neighbor, Caroline,” Simon said. “Caroline, this is Katie.”

I offered my hand, and she looked curiously between Simon and me.

“Hi, Katie. Nice to meet you.”

“You too, Caroline. You the one with the cat?” she asked, a twinkle in her eye. I looked at Simon, and he shrugged.

“Guilty, although Clive would argue that, in fact, he is an actual person.”

“Oh, I know. My dog used to watch TV and bark until I put on something she liked. What a pain in the ass she was.” She smiled.

We all stood for a moment, and it was beginning to get a little awkward.

“Okay, kids, I’m off to yoga. Simon, have a safe trip, and I’ll fill you in on the gossip from the new couples when you get back.”

“Sounds good. I’ll be gone a while, but hopefully they won’t get in too much trouble while I’m away.” He chuckled as they started up the stairs.

“I’ll keep my eyes on them. Nice to meet you, Katie,” I said, headed down.

“You too, Caroline. ’Night!” she called back to me.

As I walked down the stairs, more slowly than necessary, I heard her say, “Pink Nightie Girl’s pretty.”

“Shut it, Katie,” he fired back, and I swear he swatted her on the butt.

Her yelp a second later confirmed it.

I rolled my eyes as I pushed the door open and headed out to the street. When I got to the gym, I switched my class from yoga to kickboxing.

“I’ll have a vodka martini, straight up with three olives, please.” The bartender got to work as I looked around the crowded restaurant, taking a break from the Fantastic Four. After two weeks of hearing about all these fabulous double dates, I’d agreed to go out with them and turn them into a Fantastic Five. It was fun, and I was having a great time, but after being with two new couples all night I needed a break. People-watching at the bar was a great way to get some time off. To my left was an interesting couple: silver-haired gentleman with a woman younger than I was who had newly purchased tits. Good girl! You get yours. I mean, if I had to look at flabby, old-man buns I’d want bigger boobs too.

I never thought I’d enjoy being alone, but lately I was finding I did pretty well without a man in my life. I was alone, but I wasn’t lonely. Orgasms aside, I did occasionally miss the companionship of a boyfriend, but I liked going places solo. I could travel alone, so why not? Nevertheless, the first time I took myself out to a movie I thought it was going to be weird—the likelihood of running into someone I knew while out and about in the jungles of Costa Rica was slim to none, but running into someone at the movies in the jungles of San Francisco? Odds were greater—but it was great! And a restaurant alone was also just fine. Turns out I’m a great date all by myself.

Still, dinner tonight with my friends had been quite entertaining. The way these two new couples circled each other was fun to watch. Mimi and Sophia had both snagged themselves the men they’d cultivated in their heads as the perfect match. Just then I spotted Sophia in the crowd, her height and gorgeous red hair setting her apart even among hundreds. Hot restaurant, and even hotter bar, this place was packed with people and pretention.

I could see her chatting with someone, and off to the side I found Mimi and Ryan. What was odd? Neil, not Ryan, seemed to be Sophia’s conversation partner. Ryan appeared completely captivated by Mimi, her hands moving through the air and punctuating statements with her toothpicked olive as he listened, fascinated. From where I stood, the distance afforded me perfect clarity. I couldn’t help but smile. They’d found the boys they always thought they wanted, but now they each seemed fascinated by the other one…ah well, the grass was always cuter, right?

Sophia glanced over and spotted me at the bar, and shortly thereafter, she excused herself and headed my way.

“Having fun?” I asked as she perched on the stool next to me.

“I’m having a great time,” she mused. She then told the bartender exactly how to make her cocktail.

“How’s Neil tonight?”

Her eyes lit up briefly, and then she seemed to catch herself.

“Neil? Good, I guess. Ryan looks great, doesn’t he?” she covered, gesturing over to where we’d left our group, and where Mimi and Ryan were still deep in conversation. Ryan did indeed look good in jeans and a shirt that exactly matched his icy blue eyes—the eyes fixed delightedly on Ms. Mimi.

How could they not see it?

“Neil looks pretty good tonight too,” I tossed out, refocusing on the brawny sportscaster. Charcoal sweater, chinos—he was every inch the man about town.

“Yep,” she said icily, licking a bit of salt from the rim on her glass.

I giggled and placed a hand on her arm.

“Come on, pretty girl, let’s get you back to your perfect man,” I said, and we rejoined the group.

I departed a little before my friends did, tired but happy. Once again I’d spent an evening alone and lived to tell the tale. I wondered if other single women understood the delight that came from fifth-wheeling it. To not have to make small talk with some guy you’d been set up with, to not have to worry about some idiot with peppercorn-encrusted-filet breath trying to force his wiggly tongue down the back of your throat, and to not have to explain to that same idiot why you insist on taking a cab home when his super-fast Camaro is parked right over there.

I’d enjoyed—or should I say mostly enjoyed—an assortment of relationships since high school, but hadn’t really been in love for a long time. Not since senior year of college. And since that fell apart, I’d had just a series of casual flings, never really feeling fully invested in anyone. Hence my current hiatus from dating. Getting all the parts to line up seemed more and more difficult for me as I got older, and the process could be exhausting. Lower Caroline might be on board, but Brain and Heart always seemed to have reservations. Plus, now that my O was also absent, for who knew how long, I was finding my solitary lifestyle more and more appealing.

As I mused over these thoughts, headed home in a cab, my phone beeped. I had a text from a number I didn’t recognize.

Have a good time tonight?

Who the hell is texting me?

Who the hell is texting me?

As I waited for the reply, I leaned down and slipped off my shoes. Fantastic heels, but damn, they hurt my feet. My phone beeped again, and I read.

Some people call me Wallbanger.

I hated myself a little for the way my now-naked toes curled. Stupid toes.

Wallbanger, huh?

Wait a minute - how did you get my number?

I knew it was either Mimi or Sophia. Damn girls. They were really pushing it lately.

I can’t reveal my sources.

So, did you have a good time tonight?

Okay, I can play this game.

In fact I did. On my way home now.

How is the Emerald Isle? Lonely yet?

It’s beautiful actually, just having breakfast.

And I am never lonely.

I believe that. Did you buy my sweater?

Working on it, want to get just the right one.

Yes, please give me a good one.

Not going to respond to that one…how’s that pu**y of yours?

Really not going to respond to that one.

Is there something you wanted?

This not responding thing is getting harder…

I know what you mean. It’s hard not to touch that one.

Okay, officially ending this round.

The innuendos are too thick to see straight.

Oh, I don’t know, it’s better when it’s thick…

Wow. I’m enjoying this truce more than I expected.

I have to admit it’s good for me too.

Are you home yet?

Yep, just pulled up in front of our building.

Okay, I’ll wait until you’re inside.

Bet you can’t wait to get inside.

You’re a demon, you know that?

I have been told. Okay, inside. Just kicked your door, btw.

Thanks.

Just being a good neighbor.

Goodnight, Caroline.

Good morning, Simon.

I laughed as I turned the key in my lock and went inside. I sank into my couch, still laughing. Clive quickly jumped into my lap, and I petted his silky fur as he purred his welcome home. My phone beeped once more.

Did you really kick my door?

Shut up. Go eat your breakfast.

I laughed again as I silenced my phone for the night and lay back onto the couch. Clive perched on my chest as I relaxed for a bit, thoughts of that damn wallbanger in my head. It was shocking how clearly I could picture him: soft faded jeans, hiking boots a la Jake Ryan from Sixteen Candles, off-white Irish cable knit turtleneck sweater, hair all in disarray. Standing on a rocky coast somewhere, ocean in the background. A little tan, slightly weathered, hands in pockets. And that grin…

Chapter Nine

TEXT BETWEEN CAROLINE AND SIMON:

You had a package delivered.

I signed for it and it’s at my place.

Thanks. I’ll pick it up when I’m back. How are you?

Good, just working. How are the Irish?

Lucky. How’s that insane cat?

Lucky. I caught him trying to climb the walls.

He’s still looking for Purina. Misses her.

I don’t think a romance is in the cards for those two.

Probably not…he won’t be over it anytime soon tho.

Might have to bump up his catnip ration.

Don’t overmedicate.

No one likes a pu**y that can’t hold a conversation.

I’m actually a little scared of you.

LOL. Don’t be scared. Wait until I offer you candy for that.

If I catch you in a trench coat I’m running the other way!

When are you coming home btw?

Missing me a little?

No, I wanted to re-hang some pictures on the wall behind my headboard and I’m wondering how much time I have.

Be home in 2 weeks. If you can wait that long,

I’ll help you. It’s the least I can do.

The very least, and I’ll wait. You provide the hammer,

I’ll provide the cocktails.

Curious about my hammer, are you?

Going across the hall right now to kick your door.

Text between Mimi and Caroline:

Girl, guess what? Sophia’s grandparents’ house is available next month. We’re on our way to Tahoe, baby!

Sweet! That’ll be nice.

I’ve been dying to get away with my girls.

We were thinking of inviting the boys…is that cool with you?

That’s fine. The four of you will have a great time.

Idiot, obviously you’re still invited.

Aw thx! I’d love to go along on a romantic weekend

with 2 couples. FANTASTIC!

Don’t be an asshole. You’re totally still coming. You won’t be a 5th wheel. It’ll be so fun! Did you know Ryan plays guitar? He’s gonna bring it, and we can sing along!

What is this…camp? No thx!

Text between Mimi and Neil:

Hey, Big Man, what are you doing middle of next month?

Hey, Shortie. No plans yet. What’s up?

Sophia’s grandparents are gonna let us have

the Tahoe house. You in? Ask Ryan…

Hells yes! I’m there. I’ll ask the nerd if he’s in.

Trying to talk Caroline in to coming along too.

Great! The more the merrier.

We still meeting for drinks with Sophia and Ryan tonight?

Yep, see you then.

You got it, kiddo.

Text between Simon and Neil: