My Life in Shambles

Something inside my chest drops, like it’s pulled by a weight in my gut and for a moment I’m free-falling. A terrifying, intoxicating, gorgeous feeling that spreads throughout me. It makes tears burn behind my eyes, threatening to undo me.

I take in a trembling breath, feeling everything all at once and it’s so much but I smile and say, “I should go get dressed then.”

She runs her thumb under my eye, even though I haven’t shed a tear, and kisses the top of my nose before she climbs off of me.

I get up, slowly, carefully and make my way down the stairs to my room to change while she does the same in hers, bracing myself on the wall as I go.

Nan is standing at the bottom of the stairs, dressed in her Sunday best, plus a set of pearls I’ve never seen her wear before. Her white hair is combed back and she’s even wearing lipstick.

“Nan,” I say to her, straightening up and trying to seem normal as I walk down the remaining steps. “I don’t think I’ve ever seen ye look so lovely.”

“Wish I could say the same to you,” she says, narrowing her eyes. “What’s wrong with ye?”

“Me? Oh, just knackered. The winter here is brutal.”

“That’s why I say ye need to take Valerie dear somewhere south. She’s pale as a ghost ye know, and yer looking worse every day.”

“Well thank ye for that very kind remark,” I tell her, heading to my room. “Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to try and make myself look pretty for my engagement party.”

“How about ye try and make yourself look pretty for your nana,” she says before walking down the hall to the dining room, grumbling as she goes. “You can start by getting rid of those bloody tattoos.”

I look down at myself. She can’t even see my tattoos.

I wash my face, fix my hair just so, then slip on an eggplant-colored dress shirt and black pants and, well, hot pink slippers because Nan won’t let you wear shoes in the house, and then join everyone in the dining room.

It looks like quite the feast. With the elegant table settings and polished silverware and fine china, and everyone sitting around the table in their nicest clothes, it really does look like there’s a party going on. I see my Nan even let us drink the good wine, the kind she keeps hidden in a stone shed beside the mews.

“Fashionably late,” Major says as I walk over. “That saved a lot of lives in the war, ye know.”

I take my seat beside Valerie.

“Nice shoes,” she says through a laugh. Of course she looks gorgeous, dressed in a long-sleeved black dress that clings to her curves and shows off her fantastic tits without being too lewd.

Not that it stops the Major from ogling her from across the table. Luckily Val seems okay with it.

“Sorry I’m late,” I tell everyone, looking from my dad, who is wearing a blue dress shirt and seems to have more color in his skin, though maybe that’s the wine talking, to Val, Nan, the Major and Gail. Gail looks a bit on edge, sitting stiffly in her seat, wearing a red dress that still has the apron around it.

“Ach, it’s only yer party,” my father says, grumbling already. Thankfully there’s a bit of lightness in his voice, a tone that I haven’t heard in a long time. He sounds stronger too, which gives me relief.

He then looks at Valerie. “And of course yours too, dear.”

She smiles at him and he smiles back and for the second time tonight something inside me drops. This time it’s heavier, a mix of joy and pride and something I can’t place. Val and my dad are bonding. They like each other, might mean something to each other.

It makes me so happy I could burst right here in front of everyone.

It makes me want, need, all of this to stop being a lie.

“Well, Padraig,” Nan says, snapping my attention back to her. “Do ye want to say grace?”

“Yea,” I say and we all lower our heads, folding our hands in front of us.

Dear God, I think, please forgive me for what we have to do tonight. Please know that I’m doing this out of love, that I don’t want to hurt anyone. I just want this to go right.

And what I really say is, “Dear Lord, we are thankful for this bounty of food tonight and for our loved ones at our side. I call upon ye to keep us safe and warm and happy and may our blessings outnumber the shamrocks that we grow. Amen.”

A quiet chorus of “Amen” goes around the table.

Now we eat.

And talk.

It’s hard to keep an Irish dinner table from talking.

Along with the good wine, there’s Shepherd’s pie as a side dish, which is my favorite when my Nan does it, and baked cod as the main. For desert we have Irish crème trifle and even more wine.

It’s about then that my dad clears his throat and taps the side of his wine glass with his fork.

We all look at him.

“Speech!” the Major cries out.

“Bloody hell, I’m not making a speech,” my dad says. “I just wanted to get yer attention. I have something here, Padraig, something that belongs to you and Valerie. Something that once belonged to me and yer mother. It brought us both so much happiness, all the way until the end. I hope it does the same for ye both.”

He reaches into his shirt pocket and pulls out the ring. It’s simple but elegant with a big diamond in the middle and as a child I remember so many people complimenting my mother on it whenever she wore it with her wedding band.

If I really were marrying Valerie, it’s the ring I would give her.

If I really were …

If I really were …

“Now come on over here, son, and get it, I’m not about to get up.”

I quickly get to my feet and go around the table to the head of it. My dad places it in my hand with only a quick glance at my face.

I grasp the ring in my palm, holding it tight, then I lean over and wrap my arms around my dad, giving him a hug.

“Aww,” Nan coos.

My dad remains stiff as a board, not hugging me back, but I don’t care. I know it says a lot from him to give me the ring and I just want him to know how much I appreciate it.

Even if it isn’t real …

Even if it isn’t real …

I let go of him, and he pats my arm.

“Yer welcome,” he says.

My throat feels thick and pinched and I look over to Valerie.

Her eyes are wide and shining.

I smile.

Come over to her side, moving my chair out of the way so that she can face me.

Drop to one knee.

My eyes latch onto hers and I’m trying to tell her that I mean everything I’m about to say, that this isn’t just for show, that I want and need her to be mine, for real, for now, for always.

She might not feel the same. She might leave me soon and go back home.

But what I’m about to do isn’t lip service and it isn’t in jest and it isn’t just a charade.

There is truth behind it.

There is my heart behind it, even if she might never know it.

I’m in love with her.

I know that with every damaged inch of my being.

I love her.

She is the pulse of my heart.

Perhaps this is the only way I can tell her.

I just hope she’s listening.

“Valerie,” I say, taking her hand in mine and holding out the ring. “A chuisle mo chroi. I love you more than you even know, more than any words can say. It sounds cliché but it’s true. I simply can’t express it the way I need to—that was something my mother was good at, but not me. But for now, ‘I love you’ will do. And I’m sorry this is happening like this, that I couldn’t give you a ring the first time around. But now, now I feel like this means something even more. To me, to you, to everyone at this table. You are the pulse of my heart and the thread of my existence and all I ever want is to go on loving you until my dying days.”

I slowly slip the ring on her finger and glance up at her. Her eyes are full of tears but they aren’t happy tears. She looks seriously upset.

Oh shite.

My hand starts to shake. I need to pass that off as nerves.

I hurriedly push the ring over her knuckle and lean into kiss her.

Her tears spill down over my lips.

“I can’t do this,” she says in a ragged whisper against my mouth.

I pull back and smile warily at everyone else, wondering if they heard her. Everyone seems happy, my nan is even dabbing a napkin at her eyes and passing it over to the Major. Only Gail seems unimpressed.

I look back at Valerie and she gets to her feet, fully crying now.

“Excuse me,” she says tearfully, running to the front door, throwing on a pair of Wellies and a coat and leaving the house.

I watch as the door slams shut, stunned, and then look back to everyone else.

“The poor dear is overwhelmed,” Nan says, pausing to honk her nose into the napkin. “There’s a lot of pressure when it comes to having someone else’s ring, ye know.”

“If she doesn’t want it, I want it back,” my dad says.

“Oh don’t worry,” Nan says, putting her hand on my dad’s. “She’s in love with the boy.”

“I know,” he says. “That’s what she told me.”

When did that happen?

I need to stop napping so much.

No, I need to go and get Valerie.

“I’ll be right back,” I tell them and head on over to the door, pulling on my coat and boots. I leave just as I hear the Major say, “So are they married now?”

It’s a full moon and a clear night and like usual, it’s bloody cold. The start of the night’s frost is creeping over the front lawn and twinkling in the moonlight.

“Valerie!” I yell but I don’t see her down by the road.

I run around the side of the house, past the walled garden and the cottage, looking around the falconry mews. “Val!” I yell again.

And then I see someone. Moving shadows among the trees.

I run across the field, my eyes adjusting to the moonlight. “Val!”