Dez trailed a fiery path of little kisses down my neck, across the curve of my shoulder, and then down, exploring in a way that spun my senses. Sensations raced through me and it was like freefalling through the sky.
Flames ignited inside me when his chest came down on mine. The feel of skin against skin was a startling experience. His lips were against mine again, and I wrapped myself around him, wanting and needing to be closer.
I wasn’t in control of myself and there was something wonderfully freeing in that moment of letting go. My hands flattened along his lean sides as I hooked my leg around his. He murmured something under his breath as he lifted his head, expression strained. My body curled around his and the pressure of that movement was shattering.
And then he rolled off me and onto his back, throwing one arm above his head, the other over his chest. He stared at the ceiling as his breathing slowed.
My heart was still pounding erratically, heightened by the confusion swirling inside me like thick smoke. I sat up and my hair fell into my face. I made no move to push it back. I was afraid if I did move, I would pounce on him. “Why did you stop?”
“Why?” Dez laughed, but it sounded strangled. He closed his eyes again, cursing low as he rubbed his palm down his jaw. “I’m not stupid, Jas.”
That was so not the response I was expecting.
As I stared at him, some of the heat burning me up from the inside faded. “I don’t follow.”
He dropped his hand and pried one eye open. A smile crossed his lips, but it was wrong—all wrong. “This can only go so far, Jas. And being here, in this bed with you, makes it hard not to take it all the way. And there’s one problem with that. I know you don’t plan to tell me yes at the end of this.”
Chapter Ten
We ended up not leaving the city until the following afternoon and the trip south, toward the nation’s capital, was quiet. It had been that way since last night. Dez hadn’t treated me any differently. Quite the opposite. He talked, he prodded at me and tried to coax me into conversation as we left New York and crossed into New Jersey, but I was too caught up in my own thoughts.
I lay back in the seat, head tilted toward the passenger window. Buildings and houses blurred in a steady stream. A bitter taste lingered in the back of my mouth, a cocktail of guilt, shame and confusion, and no amount of drink or food would wash it away.
I kept telling myself that I had nothing to feel guilty about. I hadn’t abandoned Dez. He’d been the one to leave me and I hadn’t made him any promises, but the reassurance rang hollow.
Even my sister couldn’t truly understand why I was so resistant to the idea of mating with Dez, especially considering how much I’d cared for him. But when he left and when I finally accepted, after the many months had turned into a year, that he wasn’t coming home, I had mourned him. Grieved him as I had my mother. I could recognize the blessing of him returning, but three years of mourning was a long time to let go of and I didn’t even understand why he’d left. He claimed it had nothing to do with my father’s offer and it was obvious that he wanted me, but I needed more. Answers for one thing, and I wanted what my parents had had in their life together—love and trust.
Part of me recognized that I was still in love with Dez, that I never stopped loving him, but I didn’t believe he felt that way for me. Not in the way I needed him to, and as for trust? What’s to say that a year from now he wouldn’t just up and disappear again?
I shifted in my seat, restless.
Maybe more than our past was keeping me wary. Perhaps it had to do with me. After all, the whole mating business was serious. I’d be pledging myself to someone for my entire life. The very moment I mated, I would be thrust into adulthood, facing very adult demands. I wouldn’t be the only eighteen-year-old to do so, but it was a lot to even think about. Maybe I wasn’t ready and my excuses were really just that—excuses. A crutch.
We’d crossed into Pennsylvania hours ago and as the SUV eased into an exit lane for a town called West Chester, I straightened in my seat and glanced at Dez. “Where are we going?”
“You’ll see.”
And that was all he said as we drove through the town and then beyond, onto a narrow winding road that was crowded by thick trees. He turned onto a road I hadn’t noticed. About five minutes later, he parked along the shoulder. Dust filled the air as we climbed out.
I looked at Dez expectantly. “You going to tell me what you’re up to?”
He reached down, took my hand and started walking down a worn patch of dirt that formed a trail. Twigs snapped under our feet. “After I left the clan and before I made my way to the West Coast, I did a lot of traveling and I stumbled across this place.”
My heart jumped in my chest. A lake! He’d mentioned before that he’d found a perfect place for the skinny-dipping condition. This had to be it. Oh, God, why had I suggested this?
“The place is off the beaten track, very peaceful.” He held a low-hanging branch out of the way so I could dip under it. “Anyway, I think you’ll like the lake.”
Yep. There. He’d confirmed we were fulfilling another condition. My palms felt sweaty, and I slipped my hand free, wiping both of them on my jeans. Dez didn’t say anything, but slid around me, clearing the branches. “Did you... come here a lot?”
“Twice. I stopped on the way back to the clan. I needed to clear my head. It was a good place to do so.”
I stared at his back, watching his muscles play under his thin cotton shirt. I wanted to make some joke or clever comment but nerves had a hold on me.
The heavy foliage and undergrowth thinned out into a small stretch of land that butted up to an outcropping of large, smooth boulders surrounding a lake.
“Careful,” Dez murmured. “These rocks get kind of slippery.”
I smiled absently. His concern was really sweet, but I wasn’t in any danger of falling and cracking my skull open.
Fading sunlight glinted over the gently rippling water. I wandered closer to the shimmering surface and knelt, dipping my fingers into the cool water. With the exception of the soft calls of birds and the rustling of leaves, it was quiet here.
“It’s beautiful,” I said, standing.
“I think so.” There was a pause. “I know why you think I brought you here, but I really don’t expect you to skinny-dip.”
Turning around, I smiled at him. “I thought that was what you were most looking forward to.”
“Oh, don’t get me wrong. The mere thought of you swimming with nothing but the water...” He trailed off, cleared his throat, and I flushed to the roots of my hair. “Anyway, all of this is for you.” He spread his arms wide, indicating the lake, and beyond that, the entire trip. “You’re supposed to be having fun, not feeling uncomfortable.”
I tucked my hair back as I sat, plopping my butt on one of the boulders. Lowering my hands to my knees, I willed them to stop shaking.
“Jas?” He inched closer, head cocked to the side.
“Why?” I asked, lifting my gaze to his. “Why are you doing this when you know I don’t plan to say yes?”
He stopped for a moment and then navigated the prickly bushes to sit beside me. Leaning forward, he propped his arms on his knees and rested his chin in his hands. “Well, there’re a lot of reasons, but mainly because I wanted to.”