The Choice

It took him a moment to respond. “I don’t know.”

She put her hand on his arm. Her voice was gentle. “Can I get you something to drink?”

“A glass of water would be great.”

She seemed relieved to be able to do something. “Be back in a jiffy.”

He sat on the couch and leaned his head back, feeling as drained as if he’d spent the day in the ocean, fighting waves. Stephanie returned and handed him the glass.

“Christine called. She’s running a little late. Lisa’s on her way.”

“Okay,” he said. He nodded before focusing on the family portrait.

“Do you want to talk about it?”

He took a drink of water, realizing how parched his throat had become. “Did you think about the question I asked you earlier? About how far someone should go in the name of love?”

She considered the question for a moment. “I think I answered that.”

“You did. Sort of.”

“What? You’re telling me it wasn’t a good enough answer?”

He smiled, thankful that Stephanie was still able to talk to him as she always had. “What I really wanted to know is what you would have done if you were in my position.”

“I knew what you wanted,” she said hesitantly, “but . . . I don’t know, Trav. I really don’t. I can’t imagine having to make that kind of decision, and to be honest, I don’t think anyone can.” She exhaled. “Sometimes I wish you’d never told me.”

“I probably shouldn’t have. I had no right to burden you with that.”

She shook her head. “I didn’t mean it like that. I know you had to talk to someone about it, and I’m glad you trusted me. It’s just that it made me feel terrible for what you’ve been going through. The accident, your own injuries, worries about the kids, your wife in a coma . . . and then to have to make a choice whether or not to honor Gabby’s wishes? It’s too much for anyone to handle.”

Travis said nothing.

“I’ve been worried about you,” she added. “I’ve barely slept since you told me.”

“I’m sorry.”

“Don’t apologize. I should be the one apologizing to you. I should have moved back here as soon as it happened. I should have visited Gabby more often. I should have been around every time you needed to talk to someone.”

“It’s all right. I’m glad you didn’t walk away from your job. You worked hard to get there, and Gabby knew that, too. Besides, you were here a lot more than I thought you would be.”

“I just feel so sorry for what you’ve been going through.”

He slipped his arm around her. “I know,” he said.

Together, they sat in silence. In the background, Travis heard the heater click on as Stephanie sighed. “I want you to know that no matter what you decided, I’m with you, okay? I know, more than almost anyone, how much you love Gabby.”

Travis turned toward the window. Through the glass, he could see the lights from his neighbors’ houses gleaming in the darkness. “I couldn’t do it,” he finally said.

He tried to collect his thoughts. “I thought I could, and I even rehearsed the words I would say when telling the doctors to remove her feeding tube. I know that’s what Gabby wanted, but . . . in the end I just couldn’t do it. Even if I spend the rest of my life visiting her in the nursing home, it’s still a better life than one I could spend with anyone else. I love her too much to let her go.”

Stephanie gave him a wan smile. “I know,” she said. “I could see it on your face when you walked in the door.”

“Do you think I did the right thing?”

“Yes,” she answered without hesitation.

“For me, or for Gabby?”

“Both.”

He swallowed. “Do you think she’ll wake up?”

Stephanie met his eyes. “Yes, I do. I’ve always believed that. The two of you . . . there’s something uncanny about the way you are with each other. I mean everything—the way you look at each other, the way she relaxes when you put your hand on her back, the way you both seem to know what the other is always thinking . . . it’s always struck me as extraordinary. That’s another reason I keep putting marriage off. I know I want something like what you two share, and I’m not sure I’ve found it yet. I’m not sure I ever will. And with love like that . . . they say anything’s possible, right? You love Gabby and Gabby loves you, and I just can’t imagine a world where you’re not together. Together the way you’re meant to be.”

&nb

sp; Travis let her words sink in.

“So what’s next?” she asked. “You need help burning the living will?”

Despite the tension, he laughed. “Maybe later.”

“And the lawyer? He won’t come back to haunt you, right?”

“I haven’t heard from him in years.”

“See, that’s another sign you did the right thing.”

“I guess.”

“What about nursing homes?”

“She’ll be transferred next week. I just have to make the arrangements.”

“Need help?”

He massaged his temples, feeling unbearably tired. “Yeah,” he said. “I’d like that.”

“Hey—” She gave him a little shake. “You made the right decision. Don’t feel guilty about a single thing. You did the only thing you could do. She wants to live. She wants the chance to get back to you and the girls.”

“I know. But . . .”

He couldn’t finish his sentence. The past was gone and the future had yet to unfold, and he knew he should focus his life on the present . . . yet his day-to-day existence suddenly struck him as endless and unbearable.

“I’m scared,” he finally admitted.

“I know,” she said, pulling him close. “I’m scared, too.”

Epilogue

June 2007

The muted landscape of winter had given way to the lush colors of late spring, and as Travis sat on the back porch, he could hear birds. Dozens, maybe hundreds, were calling and chirping, and every so often a flock of starlings would break from the trees, flying in formations that nearly seemed choreographed.