‘I was so happy with you, Poppy. But all the time at the back of my mind—no, not my mind—somewhere else, some part of me that worked on instinct—I was half waiting for it to end.’
‘Oh, Orsino.’
The look on her face carved another chunk out of his heart. How he’d hurt her.
‘I’m sorry, Poppy. You have no idea how sorry I am. I should have supported your career, not complained about it. I should have been there for you more.’
He swallowed, recalling that last, terrible week.
‘When your mother died I tried to comfort you, to be a good husband. I couldn’t bear to see you hurting like that, but I couldn’t help. Nothing I did was right.’
‘Because I pushed you away. I was terrified of leaning on you, Orsino.’ Her eyes held his. ‘It wasn’t you, it was me.’
He shook his head, knowing this was his fault. ‘It shouldn’t have made a difference. I should have realised you weren’t yourself. But when you pushed me away it all rose to the surface—the way my mother shunned Lucca and me, as if even looking at us hurt, the way my father ignored us all as much as he could.’ His lips thinned. He’d let childhood fears take over when he should have stood firm and been the man she needed him to be.
‘I felt rejected and it was as if the blow I’d been waiting for had finally fallen. That you didn’t need me after all.’
Poppy shook her head, her mouth working, and he wanted to reach for her hand. He forced himself not to move.
‘I got to the airport and the flight was called and suddenly I knew I couldn’t go.’ His lips pulled tight in a mirthless smile. ‘I’d like to say it was because you needed me and in part it was, but above it was my own overriding need to be with you. So I turned round and came back to the apartment.’
‘Where you saw Mischa leaving.’ Poppy’s voice was flat.
Orsino nodded. ‘I came in expecting the worst, wanting desperately to hear I was wrong, but not really listening. And when I thought you’d betrayed me it was one more rejection.’
He blinked, his eyes burning as his vision blurred. ‘With you I’d known real happiness. I’d begun to hope maybe they weren’t just words when you said “I love you”.’
He swallowed over jagged glass. ‘I should have stayed to hear you out. Hell! I should have been there comforting you from the first, not leaving it to Mischa. But I was convinced I knew what was coming and I couldn’t bear to hear it. That’s why I ran away. That’s why I made sure you couldn’t reach me for months afterwards. Because I was a coward.’
Warm fingers closed around his and shock thundered through him.
‘You weren’t the only one, Orsino. I should have told you about my parents. About my hang-ups.’ Dark velvet eyes drew him close. ‘I shouldn’t have turned away from you.’
‘Why should you have wanted me there? I couldn’t even tell you I loved you.’
Poppy’s face drew tight, pain scoring deep.
Orsino couldn’t bear it. He dropped to his knees before her as she sat. Her fingers were icy as he massaged them.
‘I couldn’t tell you because I was frightened.’
Once more her eyes rounded. ‘You’re not frightened of anything. You’re fearless.’
He laughed, the sound harsh on his lips. ‘You have no idea.’ Even now his belly was twisting like a python shimmying up a tree. ‘I can face cliff faces and deserts and tundra, but telling my wife how I really feel scared me witless. It still does.’
‘How do you feel, Orsino?’ She sounded as breathless as he felt.
He swallowed hard.
‘I’ve loved you since the moment I saw you. At the beginning I thought it was lust but it’s far more. You make me whole. When I realised it was love I was petrified of telling you, fearing it would make me weak. That’s why I never said the words. I was living my life with a chunk of myself missing until I found you. And then when I left you—’ Yawning blackness filled his vision.
‘You loved me then?’ Kneeling before Poppy, holding her hands, he felt her tremble. Her eyes shimmered and his chest seemed to cave in on itself.
‘I’ve always loved you. That’s why in five years I’ve never been with another woman.’
She stared, astonished. He had no pride left, not with Poppy. Pride and doubt and fear had stood between them too long.
‘Why do you think my schedule has been so hectic? How do you think I’ve fitted in so many extreme sports and treks as well as my work as a charity administrator? I had to work off my frustration somehow. I’ve had to channel all my energies into things other than sex and loving you.’