“That...that’s an entire legal adult worth of time,” she said, taking a step back. “I don’t believe you. Your...your abs are like...begging to be licked, and you’re telling me that no woman in the past...all that time, has ever taken them up on that?”
“They have offered. I’ve refused.”
She gaped for a moment, short, half words coming out of her mouth, then cutting off partway. Then she finally spoke. “No offense, but why? You’re a man. Men like sex. Men don’t usually say no to sex.”
“No, Leah, they often don’t. And I find the atmosphere that surrounds irresponsible sexual behavior to be something I want no part of.”
“Not all sex is irresponsible.”
“No. It’s not. But...I always thought that it was best in the context of a relationship. As I was never in the position to have them, I...abstained. I already told you that I wanted to wait until marriage to be with Rachel.”
He wouldn’t tell her the whole story now. Not now. Not while she still looked at him like this.
“And you could wait?”
“Yes. Easily. I prize my control over everything else, Leah. If I decide to do something, I do it. If I decide not to, I don’t.”
“You should win a control trophy or something,” she said. “But then...I guess you’ve never felt very passionately about anyone.”
“No.” It was the truth and he realized it now. If Rachel had made him feel like this...like Leah did, if she’d made him shake...could he have held himself back?
“Because...because if you had, well...if she’d wanted you, I don’t think you would have said no.”
“Maybe that’s true.” A disquieting thought.
“But...but now?”
“We’re married,” he said. “This is...right.”
“Right,” she said, her amber eyes glistening. “Why did you tell me?”
He frowned. “Because it is honest.”
“You’re practically a virgin.”
“I’m not,” he said, his voice hard. “I am no innocent.”
The conversation made him uncomfortable. Maybe that was male pride. Maybe he wasn’t as different from other men now as he’d imagined. Not as immune to the stupid things men measured success by. He knew that there was nothing greater in following your base urges. Nothing more respectable. Any man could have all the sex he wanted. Control was the real strength, and he knew it. Yet, he still felt a measure of shame admitting his status to his wife.
“You don’t look like one, that’s for sure,” she said, looking at him closely.
“Do I not?”
“You’ve seen too many things. It’s reflected in your eyes.” She reached out and traced the line of his brow before pulling away. “What have you seen, Ajax?”
He shook his head. “Things you have not. I won’t burden you.”
“But like you said...you weren’t born the day you showed up at my father’s estate.”
“The man I am now is. And that man is the one who’s going to make love with you tonight. Not the one I was. Not the one I might have become.”
“But I want to know what made you who you are.”
“No. Leah, you cannot want that. Please, the way you’re looking at me now, the way you looked at me before, I will have that for tonight. Please.”
She nodded slowly. “Okay. I’ll take what you can give. For tonight.”
“I do not know where to begin. I look at you...and there is so much I want.”
A deep rose stained her cheeks, but her eyes never wavered from his. “Then we may have a problem, because I look at you and...I ache. And I really don’t know where to start. Because I’m not just practically a virgin. I am one.”
“Now that seems impossible to me.”
“What?”
“How so many men didn’t see your charms.”
“It’s more like...I didn’t see theirs.”
“Fair enough. You do not look like an innocent to me.”
“What do I look like to you?”
He put his thumb on her chin. “A seductress.”
“That’s...almost sweet.” She kissed his thumb. “Are you seduced?”
Utterly. He was ready to get on his knees and beg. He had waited long enough for this moment. He had waited forever to feel something like this.
This was different. Different than a lust that cared only for feeding itself. This was like the first time.