“I wish. I could deal with that.”
“Gonna tell me what happened?”
I stare at him. I feel like someone chopped me up and put me back together. It seems like every stich and every scar is showing. I wonder if I have bolts in my neck. I’m turning into a monster. I know it. I feel it. The pieces of me that remain are so small. “I caught Mel with Sean.” His jaw drops. “Yeah, that’s what I thought, but they said nothing happened.”
“I’ll bitchslap Mel for you.”
“I already did.”
Marty looks impressed. “No way. And you lived to tell about it. She’s knifed people for doing less, you know.”
“I know.” I twist the sheet between my fingers as we talk.
“So, let’s pretend that I ate too much glue when I was little, and that I don’t fully grasp the implications of what you’re saying. So what? I mean, you’re still hooking, so who cares if another girl fucks your guy? I mean, you’re doing it. Doesn’t it seem a little bit hypocritical to be mad if Mr. Twisted decides to have sex with someone else?”
“Yeah, I’m a hypocrite. That’s what had me in that funk last night.” I say sarcastically and sigh as I rub my face with the heels of my hands.
“Then, spell it out.”
I glance up at him. “It was who Sean was with that was the problem. Mel didn’t tell me. She can’t tell Black no, but she could have mentioned it to me.”
“And what would you’ve done?”
I stare at him. “I don’t know.”
“He’s not yours, Avery. And Mel’s gotta work.”
“You’re taking her side?” I shoot daggers at him.
Marty waives his hands frantically, “No, but what do you want to happen here? Mel’s your best friend. And you still have a thing for Sean. There’s no happy ending with him, Avery.”
I close my eyes and groan. “I don’t want to talk about it.”
“You need to. Deal with it. You got a shitty hand. Deal with it.” I look up and Marty’s eyes lock with mine. “Chose someone who can help you deal with it. Sean can’t. He hasn’t even faced his own shit, so he can’t help you with yours.”
My stomach dips. The way he’s looking at me, the barely contained emotion in his eyes makes me look away. My heart thumps to life inside of me and I don’t know why. “How do you know he can’t help me? Maybe Sean’s has dealt with his past and—”
Marty laughs and folds his arms over his bare chest. “He’s dealt with his ghosts as much as you have.”
I bristle. “I’ve dealt with mine.”
“No you haven’t. That’s why you’re a mess. That’s why you can’t move forward. Stop making excuses. Stop feeling sorry for yourself. It won’t change anything.
“Keep your close friends close, and walk through the fire already. There’s a life waiting for you on the other side. I swear to God it gets better, but you’ll never get there with a guy like that. Sean’s pulling you down with him.” Marty’s gaze bores into me. His words are like stones falling from the sky. Each one hits me hard.
I feel naked, like he sees through me. I hate it. I want to pull the blankets up to my neck, but I know it won’t hide anything. He knows me too well. “You think he’s a crash and burn?”
Marty gives me a look. “I think he’s poison. I think he burnt up a long time ago. I think everything he touches turns to ash. I don’t want him to touch you anymore. I can’t stand to see you like this. You were doing well before he came along.” Marty takes a sip of his coffee.
“Is that why you chased him off at the hospital?”
One of Marty’s brows lifts and he gives me a lopsided grin. “You knew about that?”
I nod. “Yeah, I did. I didn’t understand why you did it.” I’m looking at the sheets that I’m twisting in my grip when I feel the bed next to me dip. The springs make a metallic sound and I hear Marty inhale. He runs his fingers through his hair.
“I chased him off because I can’t let you do it.” Marty is sitting next to me. I turn toward him and keep my eyes on his chest, on the smooth toned skin. I’m afraid to look up. This feels weird. It feels like he’s being possessive, but not in a brotherly way. The way he’s looking at me is so adoring, so perfect. He’s gay. There’s no way in hell he feels anything toward me, not like that. I think I’ve gone crazy until I feel his hand on my knee. His touch makes me so nervous. I don’t know where the feelings are coming from.
I glance up at him. “Do what?” Our eyes lock and something inside of my chest tightens. My stomach flips and nervous energy shoots through my veins. This is impossible. The only pull I should feel toward Marty is friendship. I swallow the lump in my throat.
“I can’t let you lose sight of who you really are—that red dress and those clothes—that’s not you. You’re not a call girl. You’re Avery Stanz. You’re a brilliant, caring, young, beautiful woman who has so much potential, so much life left in her. She’s capable of wonderful things. She’s the best person I know. You can’t give up on her, because I haven’t. She’ll pull through. She’s still in here,” he gently presses a finger to my heart. He says everything I ever needed to hear, but no one ever said.
I bite my lower lip to keep it from trembling. The emotions that I buried in the back of my mind start to leak out. “Marty…”
His hand returns to his lap. “Don’t tell me she’s gone, because she’s not. Don’t tell me you can’t go backwards, that you can’t be who you were. You haven’t changed, Avery. You’re still you.”
I swallow hard and feel my chest cave in. Why does he do this to me? Every time I pick myself up and rebuild the walls, Marty tears them down. I need them to survive. I can’t stand on my own anymore. No matter what he says, I know I’m too weak.
“Sentimentality won’t change anything, Marty. After everything I’ve done, after everything I did to get here—” I suck in air and shake my head. When I glance up into his eyes, I see my reflection. It looks the same. It looks like the Avery from before my life spun out of control, but she’s not. That girl is gone.
Marty takes my hands and squeezes them hard. “Then don’t waste it. You made huge sacrifices to get where you are, but that’s all they were. Those choices don’t own you. You own them.
“Come on, who said, regret is for pussies? Who said that you only get one life, live it the best you can and don’t look back? You did. And out of everyone I ever met, you’re the only one who has the right to say it. You lived through hell, and you pulled yourself out. Don’t attach yourself to someone who’s going to drag you back there.”
I’m looking at my hands while he speaks. This conversation feels too personal, but I need to hear it. There’s no one to tell me to suck it up, to get up and keep going. The girl who felt that way about regret gives me a mental high-five. She’s still in there, fighting to break free.
I lift my gaze and look at Marty. “Why do you put up with me?” I smile sadly at him and shake my head.
“Because…” Marty smiles at me, like the answer is so plainly obvious. “I love you.”
CHAPTER 4
He’s said those words before, but they never sunk in the way they do now. I smile at him—like I don’t understand, like I know he’s gay and doesn’t mean it that way. Marty watches my face, looking for a reaction, but I don’t want to react. I don’t want anything to change. Maybe I’m making a big deal out of nothing. My emotions are a jumble. I don’t trust my senses. It’s just not possible, so I disregard the weird tension between us. Mentally, I laugh for being so stupid. He doesn’t love me, love me.
I smile at him and say it back. “I love you, too.”
Marty doesn’t move. He sits on the edge of his bed and watches me. The look makes my stomach dip. God, I’m messed up. I’m not even feeling things right anymore. He’s gay. That isn’t what he meant. He doesn’t like me like that, but even as I think the thoughts, I notice his eyes dip to my lips. The sound of my breath fills my head, and my pulse pounds harder. Marty leans in ever so slowly. He pauses right before his mouth touches mine. We’re a breath apart. I’m frozen. Half of me thinks that this isn’t happening, that I’m wrong about him. I don’t know what to do.
Marty’s breath is warm. I feel it pass across my lips as he exhales slowly. Just as he lowers his lashes, a loud thud comes from the door. It’s directly across from us. We both turn our heads just in time to see Mel walk inside.
When Mel looks up, she laughs like something is horribly funny. “Talk about things that look wrong.”
Marty jumps up and grabs his drink from the counter. “Why did I agree to be key buddies with you?” He glances at me and holds my gaze for a moment before turning away. I have no idea what’s going through his head.
Mel plants her hands on her hips. “I don’t know. That was kind of crazy once you start thinking about it.”
“You’re not supposed to let yourself in whenever you want,” Marty grumbles.
I glance at Mel and then Marty. When did they exchange keys? They must be hanging out without me.
Mel claps her hands together. “Well, let’s get going, ladies. It’s already late and I want my pancakes.” I look at her for a second and feel really uncomfortable. My gaze drops. She notices. “Awh no. Mel does not do awkward, so cut that shit out. Last night never happened. You understand?”
“We need to talk.”
“Hell no, we don’t need to talk about a damn thing.” She won’t look at me now.
I scoot to the edge of the bed and throw my feet over the edge. They land on the floor. I press my fingers to my temples and try to navigate this mess as best I can. To do that, I need details. I want to know what occurred between them, if anything. The whole situation is too weird, especially with Marty watching me. I glance at him for half a second. He’s sipping his coffee, avoiding my gaze. Was he seriously going to kiss me? I feel like I’m losing my mind.