* * *
The question jolted her out of her moment’s reverie. Watching Larenzo’s face as he studied the pictures of their daughter had made Emma’s insides twist with longing. He’d looked so loving, so tender. Now he was waiting for her answer and she straightened, shaking her head.
‘Not really. I just didn’t have the time or emotional energy for it.’
‘You should start again,’ Larenzo said firmly. ‘You had such a gift, Emma.’
‘It’s nice of you to say so.’
‘You don’t believe me?’
She let out an uncertain laugh. ‘No, I do. I think. I just...’ She shrugged. ‘I’ve let it fall by the wayside, I suppose.’
‘Why do you think you stopped?’
Emma rolled her eyes. ‘Because of a certain eleven-month-old, perhaps?’
Larenzo surveyed her thoughtfully, his silvery gaze seeming to see so much. ‘Do you think that’s really it?’
‘What do you mean?’ Emma demanded, but uncomfortably she heard Meghan’s voice in her head. You’ve never committed to anyone or anything for the long haul. She’d loved photography, but she’d let it slide, hadn’t figured out a way to pursue it with the demands of a baby. Hadn’t committed to it.
‘Are you afraid to exhibit them?’ Larenzo asked.
Emma stiffened. ‘Afraid?’
‘Of trying and failing. Most people are.’
‘Then most people are smart,’ Emma answered before she could help herself. Larenzo arched an eyebrow, and she flushed. ‘I mean, no one wants to fail.’
‘If at first you don’t succeed...’ Larenzo quipped. Emma managed a small smile.
‘In any case,’ she said, trying for a brisker tone, ‘I’ve never really been ambitious, for photography or anything else.’
‘Why not?’
She shrugged, trying to put him off. These questions were too perceptive, too revealing. ‘I always wanted to travel, live life on the road. A career seemed so stuffy.’
Larenzo nodded, not saying anything, and Emma wondered what he was thinking. Did he believe her? Did she even believe herself?
‘Yet you gave up travel to have Ava,’ he said after a moment, and Emma tensed.
‘A decision I’ve never regretted.’
‘Yet a surprising one all the same, considering your lifestyle choices previously.’
‘Maybe,’ Emma allowed, ‘but you never know how you’re going to feel until a situation arises. When I realised I was pregnant with Ava, and that she was a part of me...’ Her throat thickened as she remembered the wondrous sense that here was a person to love, who would love her.
‘A family,’ Larenzo said softly and, blinking rapidly, Emma nodded.
‘Yes. A family. Our family.’
Larenzo’s eyes gleamed and for a moment they just stared at one another, overwhelmed by this simple yet incredible truth.
‘Thank you, Emma,’ Larenzo finally said, and although she didn’t know what he was thanking her for, she still felt how it was a withdrawal. They were a family, but not the kind she wanted to be now.
* * *
A week slipped by, a week where Emma couldn’t tell what was going on with her and Larenzo. They’d seemed to have come to a silent and somewhat uncomfortable truce, eating meals together, spending time with Ava. Yet the ease and enjoyment they’d had before that wretched conversation was gone, replaced with a polite and careful civility.
It made Emma ache for what they’d had, what they could have if both of them were willing to try. But she didn’t even know if she had it in her to try, and Larenzo had given no indication that he wanted to start something more.
She remembered with an ache of longing that moment in the study when he’d almost kissed her, but he hadn’t kissed her, even though her body had been sending out rocket flares of desire. There was no way Larenzo could have missed those signals. But he’d chosen to ease back, to pretend as if they hadn’t been about to start something wonderful. She had to accept that.
Didn’t she?
She wrestled with the question for a few days, wondering if she dared ask Larenzo if he would consider making their relationship romantic. The thought of him rejecting such an idea made everything in her cringe. She knew what rejection felt like. She’d kept herself from it for a reason.
Needing a distraction from her endlessly circling thoughts, she got out her camera and, with Ava in the stroller, headed for Central Park.