Jenny (Babysitter's Club 5)

I took a long hot shower to clean the filth I felt crawling all over me, and I felt guilty. I know why I keep going back there, it’s because I can’t stay away. Any opportunity to see him be close to him. I’ve been kidding myself that as long as I didn’t do anything that everything was fine, but it’s not, and it’s affecting Lauren in a negative way.

By the time I switched off the water, I’d made up my mind never to go back. It wasn’t fair to her, to me, to him or anyone involved. Now that I suspect she might be sick, I would be the most awful person if I went back into her home knowing how it would make her respond.

For a while, things were fine. It was coming on to the Thanksgiving holiday, and my family always goes crazy around that time. We had relatives coming in from all over just as we do every year, and I got sucked in by mom, to take part in all, and any festive undertakings.

I wouldn’t say that I didn’t think of them of him, of her, but it was getting easier. I just locked off that part of my brain that had feelings for him, and that’s how I got through the day. It’s only at night when my defenses were down that he crept in beneath my guard, and I’d wake aching and alone.

I still felt no guilt about my feelings for Derrick; after all, I had no control over them. If I could forget I ever met him, that would serve us all well, but that was easier said than done. I couldn’t find it in me to throw away the best part of my childhood.

I was still treating myself like a guinea pig, still monitoring my every move where it concerned him. How many times I thought of him in a day, what my dreams were like. How much my heart had mended that day or if it hadn’t. If anyone ever saw this, it would be like cutting me open and watching me bleed. It was all there.

Two days before Thanksgiving, dad and I were making trips back and forth to the airport to pick up our relatives who were coming in for the holiday. Our house is big enough that every year we host at least ten people and this year was no different.

I was just on my way to run an errand when my phone rang. The caller ID said private, but I still answered. “Hello.”

“Hello, Jenny, don’t hang up.” My heart beat strangely in my chest, not only because Lauren was calling me from an unlisted number, but because of the sound in her voice.

I’d turned her down three times in the last couple of months when she called and asked me to sit for them. Each time I heard her voice, I was tempted to jump right back in, but I always held firm.

It had got to the point where I’d even changed my number, and I never went past that house if I could avoid it, sometimes taking the long way around to get to one of the other families.

I’d even started driving to my jobs, using the excuse of the cold and the fact that it was usually late by the time my clients returned from their night out. I used to enjoy those times.

Walking through the sleeping neighborhood that time of night when everyone was in bed. It was a completely different place than it was during the day when kids were playing outside and cars going back and forth. But now that too was gone.

I was about to ask her how she got my number but figured that was a stupid question. She could’ve easily obtained it from one of the other mothers. Since I didn’t want anyone else involved, I’d neglected to tell them not to give it to her, that would’ve caused some raised eyebrows and got tongues wagging for sure.

“What can I do for you, Mrs. Masters?” The next words out of her mouth made my blood run cold, and everything up to this point flashed before my eyes. All the years of waiting, the years I’d spent loving him from the shadows.

I felt my limbs go weak and then became like led. Every step I took felt like I was wading through molasses with a wet cloth over my face making it hard to breathe. I bypassed my car this time and took off running, fear, and trepidation dogging my every step.

Was I responsible for this? Had I brought this on? No, I couldn’t have, but maybe…

I reached the house and ran through the unlocked door taking the stairs two at a time. I could hear the children screaming in their room, and my heart fell even as my knees grew weak. Please don’t let me be too late. Derrick will be so devastated.