That was three and a half weeks ago. Now with divorce papers in hand, I can go take care of the other half of this debacle. I need to know if there was more to what I felt for Jenny than what I remembered about making love to her.
I wasn’t about to open myself up to more bullshit, but I knew that I needed to at least make up for what I’d done to her. So I left the girls with mom and dad and headed over to her house. I wanted to see her.
I’d denied myself that privilege until Lauren was legally out of the picture, but now with the papers in my hand, there was a fire under my ass, and I couldn’t wait.
I hadn’t timed it right, and she wasn’t home yet from school, my potential girlfriend is a high schooler, fuck. Her mom was there and more than willing to let me in to reminisce. I learned quite a bit about Jenny and was reminded of a lot that I’d forgotten.
I saw her reflection in the microwave when she came in as her mother was telling me another story about her, but when she didn’t say anything, just stood there listening, I decided to pretend I didn’t see her.
Now I’m dragging her across the street to my place because I gotta know. I’m not going to touch her; I’ve told myself that a thousand times. I have too much to make up for first. But as soon as I turned and looked at her in her family’s kitchen, lust and something forbidden awakened inside me. I hope she knows what she’s in for.
Jenny
What does he mean he remembers everything? As he pulled me into his house and slammed the door shut, I stood there trying to find my bearings; he looked pissed. What was he going to accuse me of now?
I’d made up my mind to stay away, to forget my feelings for him once again. If he lashes out at me now, blame me for what happened that night I don’t think I can bear it.
We were both breathing hard as I pressed my back against the wall right next to the door as he towered over me. “Why didn’t you tell me what I did to you? Did you think that I remembered and just brushed it off? And if so, why the hell did you come back here after that to watch the kids? Just what the hell is going on in your head?”
I couldn’t speak, I wanted to, but the words seemed locked off inside my throat. So all I did was stand there staring up at him, maybe hoping that my eyes told the story, that he could find the answers there.
I wasn’t prepared; that’s why. I’d convinced myself that he would never remember that night, that I was safe from him ever knowing what a horrible person I am. I could’ve stopped him that night; I don’t know how since he was so out of it, but I knew what I was doing even if he didn’t.
And the guilt of that has eaten me up inside more than I can say. In the days following, even after I’d made him Thanksgiving dinner, I’d looked in the mirror and not liked what I saw.
I didn’t go into that room that night looking for anything to happen, I didn’t start what happened, but I can’t escape the guilt of loving being with him like that. There’s no justification for my actions. I felt like no matter what Lauren had done; I’d violated the sanctity of their marriage. I had no right.
So, not only was I fighting my own feelings, one minute remembering that night with a sweet feeling coursing through my blood and the next burning with shame. I was also having to deal with the fact that I’d wanted that night to happen, that somehow I feel like I made it happen in some roundabout way, and now his life was ruined.
But even as these thoughts ran through my head, my body had other ideas. This close, I could smell him feel the hairs on his arm as it brushed against mine. He was standing so close. I bit my lip and squeezed my legs together hard, hoping he couldn’t sense what was going on with me. I hope to heaven he can’t smell the heat that just pooled between my thighs.
He lifted his hand to my cheek with a questioning look on his face as I heard him calling my name as if from a distance. “Jenny?” I fainted; fell against his chest as my body just gave out. My heart was beating too fast, and I couldn’t catch my breath.
I felt him lift me and take me to the couch. “Hey, come on now, open your eyes, don’t scare me like that. I’m sorry I was so rough with you. I didn’t mean it. Come on, baby, open your eyes.” He pulled me into his chest and rocked me as I tried to tell him that I was okay.