The rain made it hard to see, and the goggles made it even worse. By the time I’d run and hid behind a lonely tractor tire in the middle of the field, I was drenched and breathing hard. It was like hide and seek on steroids. I peeked over the edge of the tire and watched for my brothers. Out of everyone, they were the ones to beat. They’d played paintball every weekend for years and they knew all the tricks.
I got off a few shots, laughing as I hit my sister-in-law Molly in the ass and completely missed my cousin Cam.
Then, out of nowhere, everything changed.
Someone shot at the tire I was hiding behind, and as I felt the paintball hit with a thump, my ears started ringing. I gasped for air and ripped my goggles off as I stood up. I was disoriented and my heart pounded as I searched the field.
It was so loud. Between the screaming and the laughing and the sound of paintballs hitting people and structures, I could barely think.
“Rose, what are you doing? Put your goggles back on,” my brother Tommy yelled at me.
I looked at him in confusion. What?
Then, a few yards away, the plywood shed collapsed with a huge thud, and I found myself on my knees, my hands covering my ears as I made myself as small as humanly possible.
“Rosie,” Mack said sweetly, running his hand down my back. “Baby, what’s wrong?”
The yard had grown silent.
Embarrassed, I lifted my head and looked around. Everyone was frozen, staring in my direction.
“Where’s CeeCee?” I asked instinctively.
“What?” Tommy replied in confusion.
“No.” I shook my head. “Nothing. Never mind.”
My cousin CeeCee wasn’t there. She lived in California and had for years. God, what was I saying?
I pushed myself unsteadily to my feet. “I’m fine,” I said, brushing off Mack’s hand on my arm.
“I’m fine,” I called out, giving everyone a wobbly smile. I raised my hands above my head and shook them jokingly as I walked back toward the building. Mack didn’t say a word, but he also didn’t leave my side, and I was secretly glad for his presence. I was freezing and my teeth began to chatter.
Every sound still seemed heightened somehow, and when the door shut behind us, I jumped.
“Come on,” my mom said worriedly, meeting us in the back hallway. “You can take a shower in Dad’s room.”
As we passed my uncle’s room, I could hear him and my aunt arguing.
“I told you,” he said, his voice low and angry.
“Charlie doesn’t remember any of it. She wasn’t even born yet,” Aunt Farrah replied, her voice just as angry. “How was I supposed to tell her no?”
“You see Rose’s face?” my uncle snapped. “She obviously hasn’t forgotten.”
“Don’t you think I feel like shit already, Cody?”
“Come on,” my mom said, pulling me along.
“I’m fine,” I replied. “I can just take a shower at home.”
“You’re freezing,” Mack argued, keeping pace with us. His hand hovered behind my back. “Get in the shower.”
My mom walked me into the bathroom and brought me a towel. “I’ll find you something to change into,” she said as she walked back out.
Glancing down at my hands, I realized they were shaking. Shit. What the hell had happened out there? One minute, I’d been laughing my ass off and the next, it was like I didn’t even know where I was. I’d never had something like that happen before.
“Come on, baby,” Mack said, pushing open the door. “You need to get in the shower.”
“I am,” I replied, looking up at him as he stepped into the little room.
“You’ve been standin’ in that same spot for ten minutes.”
“No, I haven’t,” I argued, watching as he turned the shower on.
“Yeah, you have.” He turned to me and started unbuttoning the flannel I was wearing.
“I can do it,” I muttered, taking over. “I’m fine.”
“You’re not fine.”
“I think I’d be the one who knows if I’m fine or not.”
“You didn’t see your face out there,” Mack said, leaning against the wall as I got undressed. “Where’d you go, baby?”
“Nowhere,” I snapped.
“Understandable if it stirred up some old memories,” he replied calmly.
“It didn’t stir anything up.”
“There’s a reason your ma and Trix stayed inside,” he continued. “And Farrah.”
“My aunt was outside,” I replied stubbornly.
“No, she wasn’t. She outfitted everyone and then came back inside.”
“Whatever.”
“Lily didn’t even come today.”
“Gray’s too little for paintball,” I replied. “And I’m fine. You can go now.”
“It’s her sister’s birthday party,” Mack said, his words only hitching a little as I stripped out of my bra and underwear. “But she’s not here.”
“Drop it,” I said, climbing in the shower. I closed the curtain and let the hot water run over me, waiting to hear him leave the room. He didn’t. It was quiet for a long time before he spoke.
“Mia slit her wrists in our bathtub,” he said, and suddenly, I couldn’t breathe. “I didn’t find her for hours. Not until I got home from the garage.”