“She protected you,” he replied.
“Yep.” I nodded. “Too bad she was such a bitch every other moment of her life, or we probably would’ve been closer.”
Mack let out a surprised chuckle.
“I’m thankful,” I said with a shrug. “And I’d do the same for her, but it doesn’t excuse all the other stuff.”
“Can you get outta there now?” Mack asked abruptly. “I’m sorry—it’s just really fuckin’ with me.”
“It’s getting cold, anyway,” I replied, reaching behind me to pull out the stopper. As we both got to our feet, Mack shuddered.
“That sound,” he said, shaking his head. “Jesus.”
I stepped over the lip of the tub and wrapped my arms around him, getting water everywhere. I closed my eyes and inhaled the familiar scent of his detergent as he held me against his chest. With heartbreaking certainty, I knew that the moment we left that bathroom, things would go back to exactly as they’d been.
We hadn’t fixed anything. I loved Mack and I knew he loved me. I was as sure of that as I’d been of anything in my entire life—but that didn’t change the situation we were in. I’d thought it over, sometimes all night long, trying to convince myself that I could give up babies if that meant I had Mack.
The reality was, I couldn’t. I wanted to be a mother. And maybe that made me selfish, or shortsighted, but it was the truth. I wanted to raise Kara and give her brothers and sisters, and Mack would never give me that. It was over between us. It had to be. Drawing it out would only make things worse for everyone in the end.
* * *
A couple months later, I was still struggling with the decision I’d made.
I knew that I was being a miserable human. No one wanted to be around me. I snapped at my family when they tried to be nice, the way I teased Lily had gone from funny to mean, and I was generally just horrible company. I wanted to change, to go back to my normal self, but I just couldn’t seem to do it. I was so angry. Angry with myself for not being able to let go of being a mother. Angry with Mack for not wanting children with me. Angry with fate that I’d fallen in love with a man that wasn’t right for me.
There was a part of me, deep down inside, that was also embarrassed. How did I tell people that the man I’d fallen in love with didn’t want to have children with me? That he didn’t even trust me with the child he already had? When my sister-in-law Hawk cornered me one day, asking what had happened, I’d frozen. When I’d finally gotten my mouth to work, I’d mumbled something about Mack wanting someone else and rushed off before she could ask me questions. I’d felt like shit for lying, but the lie had seemed so much simpler than the truth.
I hadn’t seen Mack in almost a month. It had taken some serious dedication and reconnaissance, but I’d been able to successfully avoid him. And I hated it. I hated not seeing his face. I hated that I didn’t know if his hair had gotten longer, or if he’d trimmed his beard lately. I hated knowing that he was driving Kara around in the Mustang now that the weather was shitty, but I’d never seen him do it. Mack behind the wheel of a muscle car was a wet dream come to life, and I was missing it.
I hated that I didn’t know what was going on with Kara. That I had to accidentally drop by at the same time that she was over at my brother’s or aunt’s houses, just to be able to see her at all. I hated that we’d just spent Thanksgiving apart, and I’d been weak enough to answer when he’d called to wish me a happy holiday from wherever he was spending the weekend with his parents.
He’d called me at least once a week since the day of Charlie’s birthday, just to check in and see how I was. I understood it. I knew that he loved me, and the separation was as hard for him as it was for me, but I’d stopped taking the calls.
I couldn’t keep that connection anymore. It was killing me. I barely slept. I’d lost twenty pounds because my appetite was gone. I wasn’t moving forward—I was stuck.
“Rose,” Lily snapped, making me drop my phone to my lap. “I asked if you could pick up Gray for me tomorrow. With my mom gone, I don’t have anyone to grab him from school.”
“Sure,” I said, shooting her a smile. “Have you heard from your parents yet? What has CeeCee gotten herself into?”
“No, I still don’t know anything,” she shook her head. “But Trix heard from Cam and said they made it to San Diego.”